Grey Butterfly
Stand up and take a bow. You deserve a big round of applause. You are in the process of breaking through a barrier. You are resisting a temptation. You are responding, quite brilliantly, to a tough challenge. It's a shame you are so self critical though. You feel more inclined to kick yourself for dropping a grappling hook, as you climb up the mountain, than to accept praise for arriving at the top in one piece. The Moon and Mercury, though, insist that you are doing well... and that you should soon begin to do even better.
If only words were all we needed to feel better about ourselves. A horoscope to make us feel better about the decisions we make. A few lines, a small paragraph to reassure us in our times of hesitation and uncertainty.
"I think your mother is a bad influence on you."
"I am happy to provide you safety."
"I'm just tired of all the responsibility."
"Then stop it. Most 23 year olds are selfish. This is the time to be selfish. It's when you turn 33 that you begin to start thinking of others." ~ yes, but, see, if I start being selfish, and not think of other people, I'll lose you - don't you see, baby?
"I will never control you. You can do whatever you want. I just want to guide you. I won't control you, even if you wanted me to control you."
"She thinks you're just playing with me."
"And am I? Do you think that I'm playing with you? You know I'm serious. Maybe she'll come round once she sees how serious we are."
"Are we serious?"
"Well, I'm really serious. What about you?"
"...I love you."
"You're not as serious?
"... you've always been three steps ahead of me."
"I guess I'm scared of how serious this all is. I've never been here before."
"I don't think I've ever really been here before either."
"You're so sad these days. I don't like seeing you so sad."
The thing that struck me last night was how alone I really am. I can't share this relationship. I can't talk to my mother about it (for obvious reasons). I have to censor certain parts of my life with my best friends (because I think they will never truly appreciate or understand the decisions I made), and I can't talk to work people about it either (for even more obvious reasons).
Suddenly I again see how small my circle of friends is. If not for this blog, there really would be no outlet for me at all. No place for me to express myself without his knowledge. No place for me to vent. Because you can't expect people to carry your loads for them. Blog aside, all I have is him.
I think I realised a while ago with my first boyfriend, how alone I really was. But with time, we tend to forget or fudge a lot of things.
Last night was the first night that I spent two nights in a row at his place. Even if I hoped to call mum on her bluff about being cold and distant to me from hereon out, by my very actions last night, I've guaranteed that that's what she'll be like. If only because I've antagonised her. It's only natural for her to respond. No need for bluffing when that's what you really feel.
Yet if I am to believe my horoscope, or at the very least apply it to the things that seem to dominate my thinking these days, I did the right thing.
I fought so hard for this "independence." If you can even call it that. I can't turn back now.
We started rambling last night about me moving out. And I commented that I sort've didn't want to - if only to prove her wrong, or for the principle of the thing. To which I was told it was very stupid and silly of me. His suggestion was that we get a place and I could go home with him every night, and stop thinking about all this stuff and be happy.
When you take a step back, it all seems so naieve. Running away by moving in with him won't really solve the problem. His solution seems way too simple. Just because I'd be living with him wouldn't mean that I'd stop thinking about family, or that my problems with home would just fade away. But then again, me staying home won't solve the problem either. There seems to be no solution. Nothing to make it easier.
My brother explained it to me the other day. She's so set in her ways. And I'm so adament on this thing. We just have differing social outlooks - something that is difficult to change over night. And I know I'm right. But whenever I go home, I get immersed in her world - because that is the world I grew up in. Where certain values are cherished above others: filial piety, duty, family. You don't get that in western society. In western society, it's all about the self.
Sometimes it seems like the only way is to be black or white about it. It sounds harsh, and I don't want to get to the stage where I have to cut ties. Family is still important to me. I could never bear to break the bond that ties me to my brother. And in many ways, I couldn't really bear losing my mother - not while she's still living.
It's just that it's so tiring living in the shades of grey.
~*~*~*~
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got to live my life the
way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but
it's right for me...Sarah Mclachlan ~ Elsewhere
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:00 am
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