Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Stranger Butterfly

Tell me why I feel so guilty going home? Why do I get the distinct feeling that when I go home tonight I won't be able to look my mother in the eye? I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't betrayed her trust in me - at least not since the last time. We both know where each other stand. And if I truly believe what I'm doing is right for me - then why the hell am I so goddamn scared? Why do I get this attack of guilts?

Do you know I haven't spoken to her in 2 1/2 days? If I don't say anything to her tonight it will be 3 days of silence.

I haven't rung her, I haven't spoken to her.

I have nothing to say to her. And she has nothing to say to me.

It's like we're strangers. There seems to be no mother-daughter relationship here. I know I'm supposed to grow up and things are supposed to change - but seriously, this is a bit extreme, isn't it?

Maybe it isn't so much anyone's fault but my own. Maybe it's me that doesn't know how to see other than in black and white. Maybe it's me that can't handle change. Maybe it's me that can't handle the grey.

4 Comments:

At Wed July 27, 08:44:00 am, Blogger sansanity said...

wow! i am so glad someone else has a relationship with their mom that is like mine. now i have grown accustomed to the silence and she wants to talk, but not true talking,just chit chat. i lived for years in a house with a woman i might go dyas without speaking to. hang in there.

 
At Wed July 27, 10:21:00 am, Blogger Enigmatic Butterfly said...

Glad you relate - although I feel compelled to point out that the reason I hadn't spoken to her for 2 1/2 days was because I wasn't home.

Although having said that, it still doesn't stop me from feeling guilty that the bridge between us is breaking down, ever so slowly.

 
At Thu July 28, 01:41:00 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ditto!

I go for weeks not speaking a word to the old lady... I just despise her now, I feel bad.... sometimes

 
At Fri July 29, 08:02:00 am, Blogger sansanity said...

i understood that. i don't think it is the proximity, it is just the silence between two individuals.

but if it is any consolation, moving away from my mother was the best thing i ever did. things aren't perfect, but we can talk now. and when it gets too much, i fake a bad phone connection and hang up.

 

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