Directionless Butterfly
I'm unhappy. Had a 'discussion' with mum this morning.All I feel right now is hopelessness and loss. I feel like a potentially happy and bright future with my family has been torn away.
At the same time I wonder how much of what she says is truth.
And while in some ways I hate that my boyfriend brought all of this to a head (because I have to blame someone) I can't wish him away either.
I need to know what I want - and to be honest, I don't even know that.
I want a scenario where my mother happily helps me pick an apartment, and gleefully helps me furnish the place. I want a scenario where I get to go out and live my life with my mother's blessing.
But because of my own impetuous actions that life is now beyond my reach. From hereon out she will stop. She will stop putting her nose into my life. She will stop involving herself in my life. And all I feel is hurt and loss. I think loss is the overall winner.
But see, in order to follow through with that life of hers I have to wait 3 years. My boyfriend won't wait 3 years. And even if he will today, I can't get back the mother I want.
All the while through that exchange, I heard my boyfriend's voice quietly telling me, 'there's always change, baby'. Yes I know that things change, and I can't expect things to remain constant, but it still hurts.
And I'm so totally responsible. And that so totally hurts.
She tells me that she never expected me to stay at home. I never got that vibe from her at all. All I ever heard from her was wanting to live with us 'for the rest of our lives.' That's all I ever heard. But according to her - that's not the case. And well, if that's not the case, then what *is* the case?
I feel so hurt. So lost.
I suddenly feel like I've lost my compass. I feel like I have no sense of direction anymore. Whereas previously it was all about getting away, suddenly knowing that she would've let me go, changes everything.
But then again, had I done it right, it would probably still be wrong.
I just don't know anymore.
Moving out no longer seems to be the priority it used to be.
I'm going over to stay at the boyfriend's tomorrow. I'm hoping that that will give me a bit of perspective.
After all the fighting, all the pain, I can't, I refuse to give him up. But see, if I don't - the path I'm taking leads to certain death - marriage.
I don't want to be tied down to a person like that.
I just don't know anymore. All I want to do is curl up into a little ball in a corner and cry. And all I hear resounding in my head is, 'if you had done it the right way, I'd be helping you pick apartments right now; daughter you should check this one out, two bedroom apartments are better than one...'
All I feel are tears.
..what do I do now?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:05 pm
1 Comments:
Things don't always turn out the way we plan, sometimes you gotta make it up as you go along. Your mother will come to terms with it eventually. Like you said in your other post, she just needs to distance herself.
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