Muddled Butterfly
The Mercury retrogade starts this week. Oh what fun.Today's forecast:
Off you trot. Into the great unknown, armed only with a dodgy compass and a vague set of plans. You don't, you know, have to go on this expedition. Nobody is forcing you. Several people, indeed, are of the opinion that you should stay on safe, familiar ground. Your own inner voice of common sense agrees. But that's not what you are paying most attention to now. Another urge is pulling you. Mercury, as it now moves slowly backwards through the zodiac, is awakening a very important desire to make a new discovery.Lately I've noticed that I end up telling my boyfriend about the issues I blog up here. In voicing my concerns about moving in together, he reassured me that it wasn't just me who thought that it would be a 'big step,' it was in fact, truly a 'big step.'
So often I've become more aware of my own thoughts and actions. I want to know what 'normal' people do, and go ahead and do the same. I don't like being independent, unique or individual. I want to be 'like everyone else.'
I found myself asking on Friday night in his previous relationships, where they both stood. And he said, by six months, they were essentially spending every night together. And suddenly I felt inferior. Like I couldn't provide the same sort of experience or whatever. While he was also quick to point out that every relationship is different, that by no means made me feel any better about myself.
And I hate myself for it. It seems the more I look at this, the more I'm turning into the person I swore I'd never become. Doing all the things that I not so much despise, but make quiet judgement calls on. And knowing that potentially other people could be wondering and thinking the same things that I would, should I be in their situation.
I'm such a paradox. On one hand I'm saying how much I refuse to follow the code, and on the other, I'm trying to find all the rules of the game so that I can follow them to a T.
The more I ponder on all of this, the more I realise how much I have to learn. I still feel so young. I still feel like I have all these experiences to soak up and take in. While he's gone through it all already and is waiting, albeit patiently, for me to catch up, to be honest, I don't like playing catch up.
I'm spending more nights at his place. Last week and most likely this week I will only spend 3 nights at home. I don't speak to my mother anymore. Most communication comes between my brother. I hate that it is that way, but I can't bring myself to talk to her either.
Slowly but surely I'm getting some space to sort out my feelings and where I want this to go. But to be honest, I have a bad feeling that at the end of the day I might say no to him. After all of this, it might not last. And I hate that. Especially when he tells me 'you're the one for me.'
Funnily enough after Friday's panic attack the minute he let me off the hook all I felt was a welling of disappointment. Females are so unpredictable and horrifyingly changeable. I don't even know how I keep up with myself sometimes.
How do I feel today? Indifferent? Tired? Filled with a sense of inertia? I don't know. I woke up in the middle of the night to throw up - something I haven't done in a long time. My stomach's kind of tender, and my body's a little exhausted.
We went on a driving trip yesterday. All the way up into the mountains for a lunch and view of the scenery. Two hours to get out of the city and see the mountains. And sitting there at the lookout, surrounded by this silence that imbibed awe, we lay our head on each other's shoulders and just took in the view. I could've sat there for hours.
I know I'm supposed to give it time, but the longer I stay in this relationship the deeper I see us sinking in. And this quagmire of emotional insecurity does nothing to help me exercise my restraint.
Is this what I really want? Is this where I see my life going?
I had a dream on the weekend that we bought a house and renovated it, only to find out that because of the feng shui, ghosts inhabited the place. I was told that I should never be in the house alone. That I had to make sure he was always with me.
Except that I found this out when he was away. And suddenly all the ghosts started crowding in.
I told him about my dream, and he broke it down for me. The renovated house was my new life - the one that we're in the process of creating. And the ghosts are all my doubts and fears, all the traditions and family expectations that keep on pulling me down into an abyss of despair and unhappiness. And as I've often said to him, I need him to keep all the demons away.
Seems like I have a lot on my mind. But at least I feel like I have a little leeway to breathe. Not like the week before when all I felt was trapped.
"Will we ever get there?" I ask him.
"We're already there." He says.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:24 am
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