Obliging Butterfly
A good relationship is based on sacrifices. It’s about compromises. It’s about showing that you care about them; that they’re important enough to you that you’re willing to give in on certain or all things.I understand that. And I want to show that I am the best girlfriend that I can be.
He broke his wrist the other day. I’ve spent the last few days dealing with the Invalid. I cancelled my Rotaract meeting yesterday. It was a talk on MS (Multiple Scelerosis). Something I’m interested in because I have scelerosis in my back.
Tonight there is a foreign policy talk I want to attend that I’ve been looking forward to for quite a while. But seeing how upset and hurt he was, I told him I wouldn’t go. And while it didn’t seem that big a deal this morning, after looking at the reminder email, and remembering what the talk is all about, I’m kind’ve regretting it. I really wanted to go. But at the same time I feel very obliged to stay with him.
That’s not to say I hated my time with him. I had a wonderful dinner with him last night. We went out to have dinner – indian – for our 14 month anniversary.
In a way I think that his wrist has brought us closer together. Strange as the sentence seems. I think internally, I was kind’ve glad about the way I panicked and despaired at finding out he was in hospital. It felt like I was proving to myself that I did in fact care about him, and seemed to dash away some of those doubts I’ve been quietly harbouring over whether I loved him truly, or if it was simply that he was replacing something in my life that I needed. So the fact that I’ve missed him so much says to me perhaps he really is important to me. And deep inside, I’m really glad. Although I wonder if perhaps my subconscious is trying to play mindgames with me.
He’s dead set on me. I think he made reference to us getting married one day. And to be honest, if he asked, I’m not sure I would say yes. I’m too young and scared to make a commitment. At 23, I’m too scared to commit to one person ‘forever.’ The idea scares me. That he is the “last one.”
But I know that if I left, I’d miss him. He makes me momentously happy.
I guess I just grew up being taught that marriage is the End of the Road. And I never imagined I’d get there so quickly. Not that there is anyone else I’m interested in anyway. No matter how good looking the next person is who says they are interested, I don’t want to go through the whole rigamorale of getting to know them and being comfortable with them. That’s the role my boyfriend has. He makes me feel loved and secure. And he’s the sweetest man. I may not have enough experience to compare, but I think it’s enough. And often I know I am lucky.
If only that were enough to stop me from wishing I could go to all these events without feeling obliged to him.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:46 pm
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