Parenting Butterfly
Parents are hard people to live by.They expect so much from you. They can try to relive their lives through you. Give you advice in the hope you "don't do the mistakes that they did."
When your parents are divorced - it makes it that much harder. You spend half your time trying to placate one, in order to feel less abandoned. You've already lost one parent. You don't want to lose the other. When sometimes it turns out that you haven't lost either of them at all.
All they are really doing is trying to love you in their own way. But, being young and impetuous, you don't understand. You don't appreciate. All you want is for them to understand you. You want them to allow you to make your own mistakes. You want the freedom to be able to do what you choose whenever you choose.
And that's when the conflict arises.
I'm always so exhausted, emotionally drained after a bout of tears.
I just got off the phone with my dad. I told him what happened two weeks ago between my boyfriend and mum, and while he made of point of saying he was 'on my side', he felt obligated to point out to me all the things I should've done in order to make things better.
The best way to deal with things is to not complain. To suffer gladly through it.
That's too hard for me.
Sometimes I just wish I could wipe the slate clean and have two 'real' parents. Two parents who weren't so obviously culturally different to the status quo.
But as my boyfriend points out - you don't get to choose your parents.
I'm too exhausted to type and analyse more.
Suffice to say that home life is a tangle of emotions, cultural etiquette and delicate egos that I for one am gradually no longer willing to untangle. I am starting to want to just walk away from it all and wipe my hands clean.
But if I want to be honest with myself, I'm not brave enough. They are my parents, after all.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:10 pm
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