Thursday, December 09, 2004

Pining Butterfly

Day Three.

Well technically it could be Day Four, if we're talking about days since we last chatted on msn. But let's just go by contact of any means. In which case it's three days, because I had msged him on Monday.

So yeh, I think I"ve found my threshold. Three full days without contact with him, and I'm pining again. What am I going to do about you? Do you miss me? Or will it be like last week, and your three days pass by so busily that you don't even have time to register missing me?

Your birthday's coming up. Will you have a party? And if so, will you invite me? And if so, will I go?

You say that my willpower is stronger than yours. But often I feel like you are stronger than me. Or maybe you just hide it better. If i don't hold myself back tonight, I'll find myself on msn awaiting you.

I'll admit I felt both disappointed and relieved that you weren't there last night. I changed my msn nickname too. Not that it matters or means anything. I really did like my old msn nickname. But I think I should try and play it safe for now, and move away from butterfly references - at least for a little while. Blogs are 'butterfly-ey' enough. And it's about time Sarah rated a mention on my msn nickname. =P

I'm planning to go into the CBD today and check out my cd store. Apparently they have a main store. And I'm curious to see what stock they have, and how much they charge.

In my meanderings I have also wondered if your Tuesday fell through, and instead you chose to postpone to one of these weekdays. I proably won't make it to the CBD tomorrow, if you postpone it till Friday. I have a work christmas party to get ready for.

My hopes for you and I to go to uni to pick up all our thesis documentation also looks like it's falling through. For circumstances beyond my control. However, it's probably for the best that it's happening this way anyway.

Sometimes I wonder how much I'm really moving on, if I continue to talk about you here. But then again, if I don't blog it out, where is my outlet? THe thoughts continue to float in my head. Or is it because I write about it constantly, it is always in the forefront of my mind? Catch 22...

And if I stop all this repetitive thinking/blogging, then what happens then? GUess I'll have to change my tag line huh? =) Coz I've spent too much time on this blog to just disable it.

I could just end up turning this thing into my mini-you. Tell it all the things I used to tell you. Treat you as my new best friend. How sad am I? That I sit here seeking solace in a bunch of connected computers? Every one else goes to people, living, breathing, human beings for comfort. I turn to a computer screen.

You know what's really weird? Sometimes I wish you weren't a guy. If you were a girl we could be best friends without all these complex undercurrents. Nothing we did would ever be questioned. We'd understand each other in ways that only girls can understand each other. Our needs, and our desires, and the right words to say in order to sympathise and placate the other.

But then again, if wishes were pennies, and all that...

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