Sunday, December 12, 2004

Forgetting Butterfly

I've just woken up and I can still feel the fuzzy edges of sleep around my consciousness. I've been lying here in bed curled around my pillow thinking...

I mentioned this in passing the other day, and I have wondered if I am *not* letting go by the simple fact that I am constantly devoting a few moments each day to blog out how I am feeling over this situation. Maybe ironically by the very act of doing this, I am somehow not letting go...?

Perhaps by *not* talking about all of this stuff I might be able to better go about my life. Whether it will work or not will depend on numerous factors methinks. Either way, I think it is a worthwhile experiment to attempt.

So if you're coming here for a daily dose of emotional angst, bear with me. I'm going to attempt some fairly neutral, potentially bland, blog entries. There is more to this butterfly than emotional instability I can assure you. But then again, a peaceful butterfly doesn't exactly make for entertaining reading =P LOL. ...although when I started caring about what other people thought when coming across this blog, instead of just treating this thing as what I had originally intended as an outlet for all my depression is beyond me. Writing should always first and foremost be about and for yourself. This is especially the case when we're talking about journal writing. Maybe absence is what I need. A little rest from all this. Although when work gets too tedious for words, guaranteed I'll be here blogging away on *some* thing.

My friends are coming over today. All 2 of them. We're going to watch Mean Girls. So that should be fun. =) In between I think I should go and clean up the house. It's supposed to be my annual Christmas party. But due to my laziness and basic waning lack of Christmas spirit there are no Christmas decorations in sight. Anyway, my Christmas party is only an excuse to see my friends. I always seem to be the only one who ever makes an effort.

I must also admit that I dreamt about him this morning. As in dreams, the person you dream about isn't always necessarily the *exact* replica. It's Him, but somehow it's also *not* him. But anyway, in the dream He took me back. I think I'm just lonely and placing all my affectionate starved feelings into my unconsciousness. And Garbage's Crush (I would die for you) is playing on Winamp. Talk about mood music... yikes.

"Violate all the love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored"

And on that note, I think I should get up and start cleaning house.

*sob*

*whines*

But I *like* mess...

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