Trying Butterfly
I know I say this a lot, but I'll say it again: I don't know if I want you in my life. I don't think you're all that conducive to my state of mind. I don't think I really need you and what you stand for. I don't think you are what I really want or need.Your idea of a relationship is so different to mine. So much more stark and unfathomable. So unemotional. So cold. You don't want to spend time with me. Talking to me for ten minutes is enough to make you feel gooey inside. Speaking to me on the phone, chatting to me via msn, it doesn't matter. It could be for ten seconds, but it would be enough for you. I don't think you treasure me enough. I don't think you could treasure me enough.
I want someone who's constantly dying to talk to me, to share their thoughts and opinions with me. Who's bursting with wanting to spend time with me. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one.
I can say over and over and over that I don't think I should stay with you. I can say continuously that I don't think we could be friends. I could repeat that I don't believe we will work. I could incessantly tell myself that I should just leave, that I should cut you out of my life for good, and that we shouldn't talk, communicate or interact. But it wouldn't work.
It's just that I want to share so much with you. And often it seems like I don't really matter to you at all. I'm just some icing on the cake. A pretty flower on the shrub that you smile at in passing. It's a highlight, but it doesn't really make your day. You can be so independent. You don't need me, not really. And if you don't need me, then why should I need you?
Why should I continually give out, when it's so obvious that you won't? No matter what you say about how you want us to work, and how you're trying to sort all this out - sometimes I don't feel that you are at all. I continually feel like I'm just a speck of dust on the mantle, and nothing more. I know that it might well all be in my mind, and I just need to be reminded. But hey, you didn't even sms me a Merry Christmas. It doesn't matter that we just finished chatting online. You stayed for barely 20 minutes.
I don't mean all that much in your life. I truly don't believe I hold any position in there at all. I don't feel special at all. ANd if I don't feel special, why should I stay? When I try so hard to make you feel special. WHen you know how much you mean to me?
I just want to leave. I want to get out. I hate how I continue to break. I know that if I was patient I might still be able to keep you. But to be honest, I don't really know if I want to. Because I know that your idea of a relationship won't change. I don't think we really will see eye to eye on this issue.
We had a discussion last Sunday where we outlined potential consequences of this situation. One of them, was that we would assume that it was too hard to salvage, and that we would both walk away without ever really trying. To never go back, despite knowing how well we could be, because it was just too difficult. It brought tears to my eyes when I read that line from you. That you would think that. Even though that situation might be true, it hurt a little to think that the thought would cross your mind.
But right now, the last few days, I have wondered whether I should just do that. I have said this a million times here and I will say it again. You will never tell me what I want to hear. You will never make me truly happy, because you will never know what it is you really want. I think I should start walking away, distance myself from you. I think I should, I really do. This truly is getting us nowhere.
It often seems that no matter how many times I block you, every time I see you online, or every other day when I go online, I will unblock you. My resolve falters and breaks so easily. Sometimes it's like we have nothing to talk about anymore. I'm tired of handling all the conversation. And you never act like you're really interested in me anyway. Just polite chit chat. We don't talk like we used to. Mostly because I no longer choose to drive conversation like I used to. I've already tried to back away a little.
I don't know what to do. I want out of this rut. I want someone who can give me affection and attention. I want someone to give me all the right answers. I want someone who's truly interested in me. None of this half-interested stuff. I want someone who constantly wants to see me, who constantly wants to spend time with me. I don't want the independence stuff. It's like he's given me all this space. Not because he think it's good for me, but because it's how he likes things. Which just means that he wants his cake, and he wants to eat it too.
I know that the person I am in a relationship is entirely different to the type of person I am in general. Because I've been hurt before. I tend to shy away from relationships and truly opening up. But for the right person, I want to open up. I want them to see the real me, and I want them to appreciate what they have. It's like a gift. A personal gift to see beyond all my false and empty claims about wanting to be independent. I just want someone to love me. I want someone to make me feel wanted. I have so much neglect in my life cycle. I just want someone to fill that void.
You're not the one.
You can't be the one.
I want to drift away from you, and I hope you realise what you've lost. At the same time, I know that you will rationalise it out. I want you to go through exactly what I'm going through: 'how can you not see how good we will be together? How dare you feel that we are incompatible?'
But I know you won't.
I know you aren't sure if you want to commit 110% to me. Thanks for the ego trip. It's been wild. My self-esteem has never been at a higher place than now.
I will never hurt you the way I want to hurt you. I am too soft-hearted. The only way I can hurt you, is if I never talk to you again, and I walk out of your life completely. I might get to that stage one day. But for now I think I'll have to settle on distancing myself from you. I know that you see when I start to change the relationship. But I think you will only feel that it will be a good thing. You will "understand" and you will not fight for me. You will never *truly* fight for me, because you are a coward.
No matter what you say about how I hold more cards than I realise because you keep on coming back, I don't believe it's true. I have so many emotional insecurities. You may make me feel special sometimes, but most of the time it's because I'm looking for them, I'm asking for the comfort. I come to you. I make the first move. Not the other way around.
Wake up and smell the dandelions. I don't think he's coming back. I should just hold onto that little moment that we had, and thank the heavens that we ever had that. It will never work out because I don't think he wants it to work out. Or maybe I don't want it to work out.
I know that the minute we become friends I have to truly let go. And I'm scared that in the letting go I will never be able to love him again. I have to stop loving you before we can be friends. If I let go.... that's it. I don't think I will return. I don't think you can make me turn around. And I think that that's something you're willing to risk. In fact, quite happily willing to risk.
I don't care that right now I'm pining for Norway. It means I'm trying to run away from my problems. It means that this is too hard for me to deal with, and most likely I'm trying to use another relationship to hide the things that arre coming to light right now.
Come on, wake up and see what this truly is for crying out loud. This, whatever 'this' is, isn't going to work. You should know that by now. It's NOT GOING TO WORK. We've said too much. We've done too much. There is no going back. It will never work. He will never want me the way I want him. I don't want to wait anymore. It's too hard. It's too heart-wrenching.
I just want you to know what it is you will have lost when I leave.
There are days when All I Want Is You. When I want to spend every waking moment with you. When I want to open up my innermost soul and bare it to you. I want so desperately to trust you and love you. And I want so desperately for you to accept me. And then there will be other days when I retreat into my shell. And then as I sit there in the darkness, contemplating my future plan of attack, I start to wonder. What if it is my anger and hurt that is keeping you away? What if I become the one responsible for making you stop loving me? I don't want to deal with that. Maybe all it takes is for me to remain steadfast. To be here loving you. And maybe I can still turn you. Maybe you want me so badly, but you are just so lost, and all I have to do is stand here with the torch and guide you home. What if all it took was *one* *more* *day*? And what if I've just been to impatient to wait for that *one* *more* *day*? There are just days when I think I can make it. When I think I can wait. When I have it in me to await that *one* *day*.
...but what happens if that *one* *more* *day* doesn't come? What happens then? Where do I draw the line? I can't stand here and wait forever...
...can I?
I am such a fool.
I am trying so hard to keep myself busy and stop from reacting and thinking about you. I truly am.
I am trying so hard to keep my dignity.
I am trying so hard to pretend that I don't care.
I am trying so hard to be the something that you want/need me to be.
I am trying so hard to act independent.
I am trying so hard to quash down my feelings of neglect and loss.
I am trying so hard to be you.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:26 pm
1 Comments:
Hi Jay,
Being myself is just so difficult and heart-wrenching. If I can't hold my emotions in, I don't know if I can survive. I don't want to be bitter and angry again. I know that feeling this way is only a means of escape so that I don't have to handle the truth.
Nothing changes in a day. Nothing changes in a week. THe problems we are experiencing are fundamental to the relationship. And nothing is going to change.
If I don't try and hem this in, if I don't try to understand and hold back, I don't really know what else there is for me to do.
I really don't think he's going to come back the way I want him to. And even if he does, I may well just be prolonging the pain. He holds too many things close to his chest that I don't think he will ever tell me. By the end of it, it won't even matter anymore.
I'm just so miserable right now...
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