Junkie Butterfly
As much as I'd like to claim that I was wordly, often I think I am in fact quite naieve.I sent a gift to Norway last week. A Christmas present and a card - only one of 2 gifts that I gave out this year, and the only christmas card I sent out. The other one went to Him, and technically it don't count, coz it was his birthday also. So that was a quasi birthday/christmas present. Essentially then, my Norweigen friend is the only one who was party to any of my Christmas cheer this year.
He has talked to me about his interest, and how things could perhaps progress if he were here. And despite my initial wariness (he flirts disturbingly often), I do believe him. And in believing him, I am watching myself open up to another potential fall. If only because I am watching myself open up to someone. And I am watching myself settle on certain expectations or hopes. And as past history has shown, you really shouldn't do silly things like that. Expectations and hopes can be so tiring.
Anyhow, he rang me last night. He rang my mobile. Apparently the gift arrived yesterday morning. And he was so touched and moved that he rang me to thank me. He also pointed out that he "didn't deserve it" because he hadn't done anything really for me to send him such a gift. Call it an investment, I say. I never did really explain why I did it. I only told him that he was the only one I sent a gift to. ANd the unspoken is of course that I am perhaps more willing to go along with his little plans than I claim. And often I am still a little wary. What makes it worse is that it seems I cannot detach myself from his harmless, often suggestive flirting, and simply being friends. It seems quite difficult for me.
In a sense, trying to examine all of this, I wonder if perhaps I have a difficulty gene in me. On one hand I want freedom and a means to pursue whatever interests strike me. On the other, if you are interested, I'd like to think that you were serious (regardless of how serious or not I may in fact be). In which case, I'm just an emotional rollercoaster junkie with a severe and deathly strain of hypocrisy.
Well you can't win all the time =P LOL
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:30 am
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^_^ERRY X'^_^AS!!
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