Inner Butterfly
Life it seems is never a steady line to the finish. Why is it when they come, they all come at once? And at inopportune moments? When nothing can be done?I know that I am a scaredy cat. That my true life existence is to continually complicate the most simplest of things. I want everything and more. On one hand I have a guy who sometimes appears emotionally crippled, who makes me do all the hard work and makes me feel stupid and foolish because I am constantly at his beck and call. Yet when he is sweet and tender, I become so infatuated with it all, that I dismiss everything out of mind and declare my undying love.
On the other hand, I have a guy who is a continual flirt who underneath it all, is in fact a gentleman. Who will take me out of my depth, make me like it, but at the same time, seemingly hover in the background to make sure that I'm ok. Yet other than his looks, and the flattery associated with knowing that a 'man' is in fact interested in me, I seem to wander a bit. While I echo many of his passions the intensity that he goes about them scares me a little. Well, not so much 'scare' as ... puts me off. I'd just like to take the easy road and enjoy life and have fun. Sit back and be able to laugh at everyone, including myself. While he seems a little more serious about it all. It might be the age difference, it might be the cultural background. Or it just might be a personality clash.
Yet despite all the traits and faults between these two people, I think deep down I am emotionally scarred enough to be desperate to hold onto anyone who ever expresses interest. I am not the type of girl who dismisses you out of hand. If you profess interest, I will be curious and remain to see what type of person you are. I think the good ol' 'can't say no' problem is a sticking factor with me. And that's not really a good thing.
I don't really know who to trust. deep down I think I'm scared that if I think too highly of myself in the emotional realm that no one will want me. Maybe deep down I am a desperate soul looking for affirmation of my existence. And I hide this in layers of cynicism.
Last night I wwas given a lot of food for thought. Maybe I can go away and try to digest some of it and see where it takes me. Hopefully I will have no contact with Him until Tuesday when we go into uni.
Meanwhile, I want the chance to try and sort some things out. I know that loneliness, time by myself and so forth is good for soul-clearing. But to be honest, while I can quite happily exist on my own, I also do very much want company. I crave for company like a dehydrated man in the desert for water. I crave societal acceptance. I know it's shallow and bad of me. I know I should stand up for myself. And in pockets of safety like in groups of close friends, I can take the reins and pretend that I am boss of the Universe. However, not everyone is part of that close group of friends. And so often I find myself relegated to the fringes, until someone deigns to spend some attention and time on me. I know that I can stand on my own when it comes to social gatherings. But deep down, deep, deep down, I just want someone interested in me. I want that acceptance. And sometimes I can't even tell if that acceptance will come after someone gives me their undying love, or if acceptance comes after I can enchant the entire world to fall in love with me.
Anyhow, I better get up out of bed. I have to go to the doctor's today and pick up my blood test results. Ugh. I better not have anything wrong with me. Last I need is to be told I'm on the verge of something like Diabetes, or that my blood sugar is low, or that I need more iron intake, or god forbid I have some unkillable disease. I've lost a lot of weight lately. More than is healthy. I'm currently at 47kg. Which scares the doctor and mum. It doesnt bother me. If anything I'm concerned that once I start gaining it all back, that I have to put away all my new lovely clothes. I like the way things sit on me right now. And that's not to say I'm anorexic. Because honestly, I love to eat. It's just that lately I get so tired after coming home from work that I don't feel like eating. And on top of that, having to deal with him the last three months have taken out any appetite that I used to have.
The thing with him though, is that he tells me that he wants us to be friends. What I noticed last night though was that I automatically went into 'wanting more' mode, and tried to read more into things. This of course led me to foolish actions and later idiotic ranting at self. I'm hoping the next three days will help clear my head a little. I should stay away from the net. And anyway, after Tuesday, most likely I will not see him until the new year. I'm free for New Years Eve, as much as I want to go out on the town. *sigh* No one has time for me anymore.
Btw, I decided to give him the Simpsons thing as his birthday gift. *shrug*
ANyhow, best to leave now before I get discovered blogging online at 8am in the morning when I should be getting ready to go out.
Have a nice weekend poppies. It's supposed to go up to 38 or 40 this sunday. *sweats*
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:34 am
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