Moving Butterfly
I spoke to him last night. for purely sarah purposes. apparently they're showing lilith fair on max. and i needed the details.I ended up talking to him for a little while.
I have discovered that i am the only one interested in anything more, and i probably did let him off the hook in the wrong way over this friendship. nothing i can do about that though because i can't bring myself to leave either. so it means we have to be friends. and sadly that also means that i gave up something in return.
There is a really cute guy at work that i always joke about with him and my friends. the guy is *really* good looking. but he's also got a gf. my guy joked about when i was planning to get her out of the picture in order for the cute guy from work to fall for me. And i told him that I don't want someone who doesn't come to me willingly. I'm sure he picked up the subtext on that.
And after having said all this, i realise that i do in fact want to be friends with him, and i do want him in my life. But i am also very paranoid about this entire situation. I don't want to bring up the closure talk. i think in some sense the closure talk is already done. we won't bring it up again. I'm too scared to. i don't want to be told i'm not wanted. i'd prefer in some ways to ignore that there is anything there. if he's not going to give me the answer that I want, then i'd rather not know the answer at all. I'm a coward that way.
I'm not exactly 100% happy. but then again, kicking him out of my life isn't exactly something i want to achieve either. i don't want everything sorted out between us. i don't want to give him a deadline. i think i'm just going to leave it to 'time' and wait it out. in the meantime if something else happens for me, then so be it. i'm keeping my options open. although what kind of people i could find daily commuting on the trains is beyond me. it seems these days public transport is my only source of social interaction outside of work. and i know that work people are off limits.
As to everything else... i stuffed up on buying my third eye blind cd. and i was telling him how i had to go back in and get it sorted. and he didn't even offer to come in with me. if he's waiting for me to make the next move it's not going to happen. because i'm waiting for him to make the next move.
After i get the lilith fair details i'm going back to my self-imposed hermit-status around him. maybe he doesn't recognise my distance for what it is, because i am so friendly otherwise. maybe i just hide things too well for my own good. but then again, if I don't hide it, well... what's the point? I've already lost my self-respect once before. and no matter how much i pine and harbour thoughts for him inside, there's no point airing them.
And like i said, i don't really want to recover old ground again. the only way out of this is to try and put it behind me. if this means that i no longer talk to him about it, then i will. because to be honest, i'm absolutely terrified of the answer. and he means too much to me for me to just kick him out of my life.
I could be wrong. i could just be lying to myself. i'm taking steps to help myself out with that though. i will try my best to not talk to him daily. and come the next few weeks, if i can last out the weeks and months, that would also be ideal. i don't think i will try to keep in touch. only if there are things that happen for eg, sarah, that make it necessary.
I just wish he would get out of his comfort zone for me. but then again, most probably he is staying away because he still isn't sure what he wants, and prefers to conduct all this online rather than in person, in order to ensure that more confusion does not ensue.
I'm going to start to learn to love myself. Work is overrated. And after the work christmas party, well, there's nothing really left for me to look forward to. my friends are coming over on Sunday, all 2 of them, to watch dvds, drink wine, and eat. so that will be a nice distraction. i'm going to the optometrist soon and i have to waitress tonight. i need the cash, because seriously this entire cd thing is really bugging me.
I want you so badly but i don't think you realise how much. or if you do, maybe you are simply trying to sort out for my sake what it is you want, and you want to make sure that you don't hurt me anymore. i let you off the hook again quite easily this time around. and to be honest i don't know if that is a good thing or not. but if i didn't, we would've just gone around and around in circles, because i was still prompting you for more. to be honest i don't know if i'm 100% happy with my actions. i just know that if i want more, or if i really believe that i want you in my life, *This* whatever this is, has to happen first. i have to be willing to talk to you.
But like i said, i am trying to hold back a little. I hope it's the right thing for me to do. because i really am at a loss otherwise as to how to get out of these woods.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:26 pm
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