Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Unsure Butterfly

For all those who have stuck by me in the last three months, you are all going to hate me. I went down to see him today. We have agreed to be friends and see how things go from there. He told me that he did want more. But in order for that to happen friendship had to happen first.

I don't know if I'm 100% happy/sure with the answers. I don't know 100% if this is what I truly want for myself. The idea of being able to let go of the burden of bitterness and anger is both exciting and worrying for me.

I don't know if being tied back down into this friendship/relationship is what I truly want deep down. In many ways he is an imperfect person. But then again, everyone is. Is he truly what I want? I don't know.

Can I live without him? I can, and I can't. Does he enrich my life? Yes. Does he make me happy when things are going well? Yes. Does everyone make me happy when things go well? Yes. He's in this for the long haul. I know this. But the question to ask right now, is am I? Was all this about me winning? Was this what it all boiled down to? At the end of the day was I just upset over someone believing that I wasn't worth fighting for? Was I honestly that bad? That I could be looked over? And now that I'm told that I actually *am* worth fighting for, does that make everything ok?

I was so nervous going in to see him today. So many things said, so many things left unsaid. So many questions asked, so many left by the wayside. He promised me that he would not dismiss me so easily this time around. It makes me wonder if he did in fact dismiss me in the first place. It is always interesting to see how people view you. And whether the way they view the situation is similar to the way that you view the situation yourself.

I know there are differences to us. I hope that we work out. I don't think I want to go through all the heartbreak again. I know that I can come out stronger than before. I also know that I'm messed up. Is today really the end of all discussion? Is this it? Can I never bring it all up again? I don't know. Is it the next time we talk about all this relationship stuff, will be the day we decide to go one step further? I don't know.

I just want him to show that he cares about me. He tells me that I should know that he cares. I just want him to make me a priority in his life. I don't want him to pick his friends over me, and I want him to make time for me, and act like he wants to see me, and spend time with me. I didn't make that request 100% clear.

Here's to time.

*raises glass*

So here goes nothing...

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home