Relieved Butterfly
Well my dilemma is solved. He just msged me to say that he's going home (at 12.30) because he's not feeling well.I have mixed feelings about this. On the plus side I am relieved that I don't have to deal with him and his friend, and all the trappings it can imply. I can also spend my lunch hour reading my novel.
On the downside, I still have to go into the city to buy my brother's books. And I'll be honest in saying I am a little disappointed.
I probably could have forced the issue and still saw him, if I had decided to leave for the city at midday and sms'd him about meeting up for coffee. He couldn't have said no then. But I had decided to leave things in his hands. And it's not nice to force the issue to have him stay anyway.
So this situation, while being a little frustrating for sure, leaves me back at the impasse I was at on the weekend.
From now on, I think I'll stick to my guns and stay away. If he really wants to talk to me, he can ring me. Otherwise, I'll just keep my distance.
THe only bad thing about writing all this down, is that in writing, it makes things a little concrete in a sense. And while that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it can be confusing and misleading, because often whenever I write, the feelings I feel at the time are genuine. Yet, when I go away and come back to it all later, I am feeling or acting differently. And each and every time those feelings change.
Sometime I end up just writing things up because I want to be able to test out how I feel about saying or telling myself certain things. If I say 'I don't need you anymore' will saying it out loud, or writing it down make it real? If I say we can't be friends, and that we should just leave this, will it come true? Will it be ok?
If you ever wonder why I'm not making a big deal about this, it's simply because I don't want to fight anymore. I only go around in circles. And anyway, I have bigger fish to fry (finish reading my novel). Maybe when the book is done, I'll get upset.
I just don't want to force any more issues with you anymore. If you want me, then show me. Otherwise, I'm going to assume that you don't. And I need to learn to just be fine with this.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:42 pm
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