Truthful Butterfly
One of the most asked questions, is 'what is the meaning to life?' Countless people have sought to answer this question, and constantly we are curious as to the beginnings, justifications and reasoning behind our existence.However, the question that I seek to ask, I find is much more profound. What my dear friends, is Love? What defines it? Is it that indescribable feeling that we want to spend time with a person? Is it the choice and desire to care about someone other than yourself or immediate family? Is it a chemical reaction in your brain that compels you to do things that you normally wouldn't?
Emotions are the hardest to control. They overtake you and run the gamut without you being allowed to say yay or nay. You simply, 'do.' What happens to us?
After my decision to accept my relationship/friendship status anew, I am trying to ponder on these questions and come to some defined reality. I have been warned by friends to be careful, so as not to go through all this pain and remorse over again. I adhere to their warnings. I don't think or feel there is any right way to go about a relationship though. As he keeps on telling me, rules don't seem to apply to us. Normality is not a definition that applies to us. I know that we fluctuate on many levels. I know that often we are not constant.
I am also aware that love is always fleeting, and that pain seems to be the constant. Why do I want to commit to something that will potentially hurt me down the road? What can I learn from this? What do I want from this? Will having you back in my life truly enrich me? Or will it simply bring about a long-winded way to re-experience hearthache and pain?
I don't have the answers. I don't know where to go from here. I will try my best to make this work, and I hope that you will also. But I can't help but question where we are truly going. I don't want to look back on this and think, 'well that was a waste of x years and effort.' I don't want this to end. I want this to remain. And as always, good things never last. This is just the beginning, and I acknowledge that at these beginnings the days are filled with promise. And there is promise in the air. I can feel it.
Yet... I am also afraid of this promise. I don't know if I want to deal with the later downfalls. I don't want to go back to 'friendship' alone. I know that there are many things that cannot be answered right now, that only being friends can (hopefully).
If anything though, I am heartened by the fact that you have told me upfront that you want more. That means a lot to me. Whether this means that I am reading too much into it, or adding assumptions that I shouldn't add, well, I don't know.
I went into yesterday prepared for the worst. So nervous at seeing you. I had butterflies in my stomach for the last three stations. ANd when I saw you, and you hugged me, and could barely stop hugging me for the entire day...
All I wanted was to be close to you. To feel you again, and to be able to come to you for comfort.
I hope you felt the same way. I hope that you can feel what it is that I feel. And while I noted that you did not tell me that you loved me, only that you liked me, I know that I in turn, did in fact tell you that I loved you. I know my reasoning behind it. I know that it was probably not the best thing to do. But it seems that love never falls far from the Honesty Tree.
I hope that we can work this out. ANd me being the coward that I am, I hope that I can live with whatever happens. Because I don't want to face a moment down the road when I discover that you in fact do *not* love me, or do *not* care about me *that* way. I know that you will always care about me. But that doesn't mean much, when caring about someone, loving someone, and being *in* love with someone are three entirely different things.
What is love really? How can it benefit our lives? What benefit is there in us putting our little heart on our sleeves and constantly being rejected? Is the euphoria that comes with love honestly worth all the pain and suffering at the end? Is this why friendship is always the safer option? I no longer know if I want to face love.
And I also question whether it is truly *you* that I want to settle down with. I'm scared that in you being ready to commit to me, I discover that you aren't what I really want. ANd while I managed to dodge the bullet this time around, this by no means guarantees that you will not tell me somewhere down the track that we won't work out. The risks are so great. The falls are so deep. The potential for pain, so plentiful.
You told me last night that if I had been hostile towards you, you would never have suggested that we try again. That you would have called it quits and admitted that it was all over. How was I to know that so much hung on the balance.
I never believed it was difficult to get along with me. I try my hardest to be a congenial person. Yet you pointed out to me how you could interact with a dozen 'me's in a three hour conversation, and how that constantly threw you. Guess I am a gemini after all...
But what you told me last night has indeed given me pause. Food for thought. What is it that I want from you? You manage to hide so much from me. And while we will work around trying to compromise to each other's needs and wants, well... at the same time, I don't know what it is we're really after. Companionship? Love? Friendship? Someone to be there? I don't want to help you become a better person for someone else. I am selfish that way. I want you for myself. ANd I want no one else to have you. Very selfish. But true.
As I went to sleep last night, I also recognised that perhaps I should tell you about this page. I don't want you to think that I'm betraying you by putting my thoughts up about you on here. But how to broach the subject? How to make it alright? How to make sure that you will never be upset that I have broadcast your actions to the world? You have seen much of my ugly side. But there are still layers of me and facets of me that you haven't seen. There are stories of me that I haven't told you.
I want to be the closest person you ever have had. I want to be. But what I can't pinpoint is whether that is the genuine thing, or if it's the vanity talking again.
Time is where it's all at. I know that. and I know that you're trying to pace ourselves. I know that I shouldn't have emailed you today about that book sale, but I did. And it's too late to retract now. The best I can do is refrain from talking to you tonight. Maybe I'll go and finish a novel, or take a few photos. I didn't get around to buying my 2 dvds today (The Last Samurai, and Pirates of the Carribean) because a co-worker asked me for advice on her love life. Not that I'm the best person to be talking to about all of this. I only know what I went through/am going through, and my trains of thought and vindictive, spiteful and bitter nature isn't necessarily a good place to be working for. There should be less of me in the world, not more =)
Overall though, I'm still back to the same old question. What is love? Why do we feel this, and what does it really mean? How does love fit into the big equation, and is it really worth it all in the end?
I will try my best to be patient and sit this out. I promise I will. In the meantime though, I do often wonder whether doing this is the right thing. I can't help it though, that knowing that you still want me makes me light up and smile. But the knowledge that this could still crumble away still worries me. It gives me pause, and makes me wonder whether I am in fact doing the right thing. Am I going too fast again? Have I not read all the instructions? Did I just run another red light?
Or am I just a lonely, desperate little girl looking for someone to love and care for me?
It's just that the possibility for downfall and breakdown is so high.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:09 pm
1 Comments:
Hi Jay,
thanks for your comment. i am trying to stick this through. i don't really know what else to do. i guess i just don't want to say yes for the wrong reasons. and this is going to sound terrible - but i don't want to be 'stuck' either...
the nice thing about being single was at least i always had my options open... everyone had potential. but with him back on the scene it narrows and limits it a bit. and again i'm back in a situation where i worry that i'll hurt someone. isn't that totally bizarre?
there's nothing left but to go with the flow. i know that. and i know that we can be great friends. and as reassuring and calming to the soul to know that he wants more (i.e. i *am* good LOL), it does push a little at the edges of my awareness.
sometimes i do wonder how much of me is good and how much is bad. how much of me is true and real, and how much is just as flighty as a butterfly. and it worries me. anyhow, i better stop before this becomes a quasi-blog entry. breakfast is on the table, and i have to go to work. =)
chat to you later...
Post a Comment
<< Home