Unhappy Butterfly
3:46 PM*angst* *angst* *angst*
I have been sitting here reliving yesterday, trying to pick it apart. Seeing if there's anything that I've missed.
You asked me to help you fight.
..I don't know if I can
~*~*~*~
11:09 AM
I want to hide and never come out. I don’t want to deal with consequences. I just want us to be happy with what we have. ‘Friends’ is such an operative word. I want to be able to hug and hold you whenever I want. I want you to show your care and affection. I want you to want to take care of me.
I don’t want to slow this. I don’t want to know that your affection stems from loneliness. I don’t need to know that you’re starved from affection and that you look to me as an outlet. I don’t want to suffer anymore.
I’m sorry for all the wrong I’ve done. I’ll own up, but I don’t want you to leave me. I want more of yesterday. I want us to be able to talk. I want to be able to share everything with you, and I want it to be reciprocated. But I don’t really need for things to really accelerate. I just want to be secure in the knowledge that we can show each other affection. I want things to be good between us.
I don’t need things to be extremely serious, what with meeting parents and being responsible for each other. I just want the security.
I know that you're hard to read. You admitted it yourself. That no one can second-guess you, and that you hold all your cards tight.
Someone kill me now. End this for me. Take me out. I don't want to go through this again. I should know better than to hope. I should know better than to envisage and assume things that may well still not become a reality. I will not beg. I will not ask. Can I not beg? Can I not ask?
Please, let me end this...
~*~*~*~
Interesting line from yesterday's forecast:
The only way to win is to stop caring so much about whether or not you lose
dammit.
~*~*~*~
Sometimes I wonder if we're just going around and around in circles. In trying to move forward, are we simply reliving it all over again? Have we in fact gotten off the tracks? Have we deviated from the previous path, or are we still there?
It would be better if the love and desire had never been spoken. If the passion was hidden and not so evident. If we had never talked about it in the first place. If we had remained good friends. I want to go back - but I can't.
Perhaps if I had another option physically manifest before me, this would not be a problem; he would not be a problem.
However, my option is a 40-hour flight away. And that option will not be viable for at least two years.
What happens after he makes his decision? What if it's another 'no, I just want to be friends?' What happens then? Will I be able to accept it? Maybe it's just better that I leave. That I let go. Yet it is so difficult.
Sometimes I wonder if I complicate things more than necessary. I don't want to betray your faith, trust and love in me. At least you know right now there is a 2 year window before things could change. You know now that I have other options.
How does a relationship "go slow" anyway? You promised me that you would see me between Christmas and New Years. I won't bring it up again.
There are so many phrases that have become so reduendant. 'I will stay away' 'I will not go online' 'I will not talk to you' 'I will give myself some time alone' 'we should have some space' 'I can't be friends with you' - they've all been said before. With vehemence, with anger, with resolve. Yet these days whenever I type these words up, I can only laugh at myself. The mantra is getting old, and the situation does not change. What am I going to do with you?
Your voice yesterday, whispering to me, "what are we going to do?"
God....
Why can't we just get out of this?
But what happens if you say no? Will I be able to take the rejection again? Knowing that he'll sort this out...
How do you progress forwards? By going backwards? By stopping the love and the emotion, and the feeling? By killing your own heart in order to survive? Can I really wait that long before you can give me that answer that I'm constantly craving? What happens when things change? This all becomes such a tragedy...
I need to get out of this. I really, *really* need to go to Norway...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:20 am
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