Analysing Butterfly
Having said all that I said last night, I woke up from a horrible, horrible dream. My younger brother was driving us home, and didn't listen to us/me and started to speed. It was raining. I told him to slow down, which he did, but not quick enough and the car crashed. He was thrown from the vehicle. I rang for emergency. There was a misunderstanding, and they took forever to arrive. We had the crash at a t-junction on the cross street of Stacia St and some other road whose name eludes me now. To skip a whole bunch of scenes, it eventuated that no ambulance or emergency crews arrived, and an antagonistic friend drove me and my brother to the hospital. No one at the hospital would help me. When I got out of the car, my brother was bleeding from the rear. Throughout the dream I couldn't fathom what this might mean, but upon waking, I'm thinking internal bleeding. When he was lying on the tarmac he had told us that his left leg hurt, but he could still move his legs and toes. For a while, he couldn't speak either. I was so terrified that the crash would leave permanent damages.At the hospital I was told that the emergency floor was on level 6 or something. And warned that the climb was horrible. I didn't care. I carried my brother all the way up. On the fifth level it looked like I was going to get help. Except that I watched doctors trying to defer the 'job' to another. I made a caustic remark about doctors and their fobbing off of saving a patient and went to the final floor and discovered that on this level also, no one cared. It frustrated me to no end. I tried talking to the doctors and nurses, and then bizarrely there exists another floor above full of cameras and board of directors. One lady announces that emergencies were a waste of time and told the doctors to stop operating and take a break. Or something to that effect. Meanwhile, there I was standing there, with my brother in my arms, sort've slung over my shoulder, who's just suffered from a severe car crash, and has started to bleed from his behind. And no one would help. I ended up wandering down one level thinking even if doctors were indifferent on the floor below, at least they kind've were interested in saving a life. I went down there, opened a door to the side, walked in and saw my boss, who was telling a whole bunch of people how stubborn I was not to wait for the emergency crew, the 'rangers' - who had ironically been waiting for a follow up confirmation call before they came. (which I never made because I had misunderstood what they meant).
I have tried to piece together what certain aspects of this dream means. According to dreammoods.com, my brother symbolises an aspect of me, most likely my masculine side. So maybe what I'm afraid of is my current situation. I'm afraid that my masculine side is taking over and I'm terrified that it will take over me and die. Maybe I'm afraid that I'm being way too vulnerable in my current situation and I will only get hurt. The blood symbolises loss. Maybe I'm afraid of the direction I'm taking with all of this, because I went to bed with the mindset that I was going to see if I could in fact just treat him as a friend and quit with all this love mumbo jumbo. Maybe I got scared that if I followed through with putting up the walls up (the masculine side of my psyche) that it would ultimately kill me. Maybe I'm just scared of the consequences this will bring.
THe fact that I was in a hospital and that no one cared about the medical emergency also might mean that I'm watching this relationship doomed to failure and no one cares. None of us save me seems to care that this is all going downhill and that we could crash and burn so badly.
No one cares. Or more succintly, *he* doesn't care. I sat in the car last night trying to think about it all, and trying to put myself in his position. If I didn't know what I wanted, how would I take his constant presence in my life? Would I feel comforted that someone loved me and was simply waiting for me to make up my mind? Or would I get annoyed, and wish that they'd take the hint and just leave me alone? I'm trying to understand this so that I can do the right thing.
My eyes are starting to feel a little heavy again. That was a horrible dream to have to go through. It's 7.53 am here. Hopefully I'll be able to go back to sleep and dream of something less violent and emotional.
The irony is that earlier, prior to this dream, I was dreaming about trying to take photographs of the moon. Haunting pictures that had an urban myth attached that the moon would disable all control and allow for true feelings to surface, leading to many couples forming. According to that website, dreaming of the moon depicts your feminine side. And trying to take photographs means you're trying to hold onto something. So maybe I'm also trying to hold onto my love for him. I'm trying to preserve the very feminine motives and feelings, the side of myself that is willing to forgive him.
Maybe those two dreams are just trying to show my subconcious mind that my two sides are warring, battling out how to deal with this situation, and see who is dominant. Something perhaps obvious when you sit down and think about it. Maybe all this is doing is reminding/reinforcing those thoughts and putting some perspective on what is happening.
Unfortunately rather than wake up feeling refreshed or gaining more insight into anything, it's more like I've woken up feeling blood in my mouth.
The terror that I felt when I thought I was losing my brother, is not a feeling I would wish on anyone. Am I really that scared to let this relationship go?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 7:57 am
1 Comments:
I just have to comment on this. I don't know where you are now, but I found this in a search.
The dreams. I see something here that might ring true. Your comments on your dream are amazing and beautiful. I see something just a step beyond what you've seen there. Wow. The masculine side and feminine side are perfect. You went into the hospital and found that nobody could take care of your masculine side but yourself. You are the one. Holding onto your feminine side is what keeps you vulnerable which is good, but it's also what keeps you wanting to be taken care of. There's a boldness missing. You're afraid to fully let go of your "holding back". You're afraid of letting go of your ability to be taken care of. You think you need that to be who you are. That is not who you are...and you know it. Don't hold back. Don't play it safe. Don't try to keep protecting yourself. He wants your unbridled passion. He'll keep that forever. He might not know it. He might not know what's available. You might be confusing to him, but that might be all he knows. Show who you are! Show it all!
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