Disconsolate Butterfly
I honestly do not know what to do about you. I have no clue how to work this out. At times I sicken myself with the way things go, and I know that the only way out of this hellhole is forward. I can't help the way things are. I guess I never recognise how foolish I am to chase after certain dreams unless it's too late. I don't want to lose you. I'm terrified I will - and for the last time. You hold me back from exploring opportunites with other people. Yet you light up my life like nothing I have ever experienced. And for that alone, there are a multitude of reasons for me to stay.I know you are trying so hard. You pointed out that all your actions were towards me rather than away, and yet I still worry that you'll leave me. I guess this time around I'm the one looking for the catch. I'm the one who thinks that maybe your return is too good to be true. And I'm waiting for the other penny to drop. I know that I'm a difficult person to be around, and I know that I can make the most simplest thing complex. But to be honest, even after telling you all my thoughts and concerns, I still feel troubled. I don't feel that we've reached any new ground. If anything, I feel at a loss.
There are many avenues that this could take and as I mentioned last week, I don't even know if my motives are pure.
I know I need to wait for you. But it's just that I'm so scared of putting myself out there for you again. Even though in some ways, I already have. I guess all I really want is out of this situation. If I could spend all my time in your arms being hugged, and have you whisper sweet nothings in my ear, that would be enough.
In many ways I'm haunted by our past. I feel the echoes of it every way I turn. And I don't know how to exorcise those demons, when talking it out with you no longer works.
I guess I just feel like I stuffed up last night. I started something that perhaps we weren't ready to finish. While you torture yourself over devoting to me 110%, I'm just looking for someone to give me the time of day.
And I know that talking to you is useless. I went to bed last night with clumps of conversation trapped in my head. I was crafting paragraphs in my head. But I didn't have the effort to put them down in writing.
This situation is so helpless. Maybe I'm not even looking for an answer. Maybe knowing that you're there, and that you want me is enough.
You read something out of my statements last night that gave me pause. You questioned whether just 'being friends' with you was worth it. And my response told you that perhaps I believe that you aren't worth it if we are just friends. That you are only worth it if we are in a relationship. I don't know what to think or feel about that.
It's just been such a hard and difficult road to walk. I wonder if it's really worth it in the end.
In many ways, I know that the only way I can not care about the way things are, is to not feel. And if I don't feel, well, then that's it. There's nothing left to salvage.
Family doesn't make it easy for me to be in a relationship either. My mother is like a dragon. And I know that I myself have issues. Lots and lots of them. And that since she disapproves, I find it difficult to remain. I try so hard to keep everyone happy. And while I know that if this worked out, it would be so great and golden, I also know that my mother could still ruin it all for me. I wish so often she didn't have such great influence on my life. But she does. And for better or worse, when she goes, it will devastate me, despite all the freedom it will bring. She has been hurt herself and that's why she cautious me so. If I was true to myself, it wouldn't matter so much. But so often I feel like a little lost girl trying to find her way home, and looking for mother's constant approval before taking a step.
There are many extremes in my personality. Many facets to the glass. And I know that the person deep down is the polar opposite to the tough cynical exterior.
I don't know if we talk about this in person, whether we will come out of it any better. I don't know if we pretend that nothing happened, and we forged on, whether that would work either. I do not want to trivialise this relationship. I do not want to compromise what we have.
I know that I am quick to the draw, and I may well shoot you before the chips are down. I also know that I don't know what I really want, and other than the abject knowledge that when things are good with you - they're *really* good, I have no other indications.
You make me smile, you make me laugh, you light up my life like christmas light trimmings on a dowdy house, transforming it into a magical wonderland. I don't believe that I have ever met a person like you before. There is no equal to you elsewhere in my life. You can disable me with your charms quicker than a retaliatory rattlesnake in a confined corner.
Yet you don't always give me the right answers. My Norweigen friend the other night made statements. Declared his devotion, and paved a road for me to walk on. Despite my qualms, I have another road if I choose to take it. Yet, you hold me back. You make me hesitate to go elsewhere.
I feel comfortable with you. No pretention, no facades. I can just be me.
Why is it though, that I always make an impact on guys, but it is never enough to have them by my side? Is it just me? Am I the constant variable in this equation? Maybe I don't really want the outcome to this game. Maybe I'm just giving my ego and vanity a nice long run? Maybe all it is, is just a state of mind?
There is no 'out' in this situation. No safe place to hide. I see you tomorrow, and I don't know how to act. I have decided to show you my remorse through gift-giving. Your Simpsons dvd box set, an astro boy phone cover, and a box of Panadol/Nurofen. If you're going to hang around me long term - you're gonna need them =P
I just want you in my life. I want you. And perhaps I'm not willing to settle for any less. I don't want to force your hand. I really don't. I want you to come of your own free will despite my stupid angsty comments. It's not that I don't mean what I say, it's just that I do accept reality when I have no choice. It doesn't matter what I say or do, it's the end game that counts. And to be honest, sometimes ironically I don't even know what that end game is. I know that that doesn't help matters much. I know that I muddy the waters to no end. And I know that I'm complex to a fault. But I'm at a loss as to how to fix things.
When I see you tomorrow, can I hug you? And then, can I make a request to pretend that Sunday never happened? And nice as it might be to request that we talk, maybe I need to stop spilling my guts out to you every 10 seconds. Maybe all we need to do is just move on. I don't want to be here. It's not even the limbo or steady ground. I just wish we could erase Sunday, and remain with the thoughts and feelings of Wednesday - that nothing matters, as long as I know that you want to make this work, and that you're willing to try and make me feel worth your concern. I don't want to go through this again. I really don't. It's unproductive and painful.
Maybe it was wrong of me to bring up my concerns in the first place, and I get so lost in your presence that clarity just vanishes completely.
I guess at the end of the day, I just want you to appreciate me. Be grateful that I'm giving you the time of day. And quit with all the arrogance, the control and the high and mighty indifference.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:31 am
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