Troubled Butterfly
Last point of contact. He msged me around 6 today asking if I was going to the dinner. I ended up responding because I wasn’t just standing him up, I was standing up the entire class. I explained that I’d lost the organiser’s email address and couldn’t get through to let them know I was taking advantage of the extension, and to send my apologies. He msged back saying “ok… Thanks for letting us know. Hope it goes well.” My immediate reaction is indifference.After a few minutes however, some funny feelings wager in my stomach and in my mind. On one hand, my mind is rationalizing that this is for the best. I am taking ‘the road less traveled.’ I am forging ahead with my own life, I am not in his eyes, pining, and I will sweep him aside. I don’t need him. He did not deserve the long nights of tears and heartache. You are scum, best left on the wayside. I am strong, I am mighty, I am woman. =P Yet, at the same time, my stomach somersaults and my mind whirs in tandem, contemplating girlish desires that he might think of me and wonder why I am so stand-offish.
If I had gone tonight, do you think he would’ve made an attempt to talk to me, to become friends? How childish and naieve of you to think that we could still be friends. I know that what you did wasn’t necessarily wrong. And I know that you tried the best you could to keep us together. But frankly, I don’t think you did a good enough job. I know that I only have myself to blame. After all, you didn’t ask for me to hang on the way I did. And you certainly didn’t ask for me walk on eggshells around you. I chose to do that of my own free will. Therefore, you could technically walk away with a free conscience. Unless of course you love me, then you may feel terrible that you had to put me through this ordeal at all. But I digress.
So yeh, I know that if you take an objective view of all this, what you did was perfectly reasonable and justified. And in turn, I bet that you don’t even think twice over me not turning up tonight. You might have a passing thought that I was doing this to spite you, but I don’t know if you honestly think that much anyway. I don’t care how sensitive or insensitive you may be deep down. I made a decision two weeks ago to step away. And step away I shall. After all, I don’t think we can hold a decent conversation anymore. You may, but I don’t think I can.
I probably didn’t handle us very well. I’m most likely responsible for a lot of the angst running through us, and I’m definitely responsible for the feelings of anger and rejection that I feel in the aftermath of us. Because in my vanity I made a mountain of out a tiny eensy weensy molehill. And I do believe that if we were in the same room together, nine times out of ten I would most likely vent all my pent-up anger and hurt at you. My fanciful thoughts tend towards the idea that I loved you. I know one thing for certain is that my affection for you was genuine. I genuinely cared for you. Despite all my shallowness and desire to be constantly showered in displays of affection from you, I genuinely respected and desired you. Let’s not go into the shady realms and discussions of love. Suffice to say that I cared. A lot.
So in me dealing with your departure I have opted for the only way that I know I can handle us no longer being anything more, by assuming that you do not love me and do not want me. Why? Because it’s easier to deal with the black and white than it is to deal with the greys. The greys make you think. The greys stop you from sleeping. The greys give you headaches, and the greys only make things more complicated than they could actually be in the long run.
I just personally don’t think that I can hold a mature conversation with you. It probably says a lot about me, that I can’t let it all be water under the bridge. To be frank, I don’t think I could bear to be around you – ever. The pain and knowledge would just be too great. And I truly hope that you’ll suffer. And even if you don’t, just stay the hell away from me, so I don’t have to know the true reality and can blissfully fall asleep each night imagining all the torturous emotional upheavals that you will go through because you scorned me.
No, this butterfly is not bitter. Not bitter by far. Ha! =P
I am ready to let go. I am. I am ready to move on. I want to progress into my life, and I have accepted the fact that this life does not include you. You cancelled yourself out of the equation that first day of Spring when you told me that you didn’t know what you wanted. And to be honest, I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to fall for you again. Because I know that I could so easily fall for you again. And I don’t want to be hurt anymore. That black abyss, that pain and suffering that I went through those first few weeks nearly killed me. I never thought there would be a time when I would feel like I was facing a brick wall, and that there was no exit for me. That’s what it felt like when you left. It was like the end of the world. And me, the ‘normal’ ‘real’ me, has always been one that’s stuck to optimism to get me through life. To fall so far from that reality, into this black hole where the object of my desire was barred from me, killed me.
Perhaps I was being too dramatic. Perhaps I should’ve accepted your rejection gracefully. But I guess I’m just not emotionally mature enough to handle that sort of rejection. I mean, it’s not like you left me for another girl. It’s not like you cheated on me, or lied to me. In your deepest of hearts, you may well have lied to me, but I think you lied to yourself too. You let go of a good thing. I hope you realise that. Now that you have time on your hands to think I hope you can take a good look into yourself and realise what you’ve lost. Not just the girl that was ‘everything you ever wanted’, but the girl that you once told that you loved, and opened yourself up to the most.
I trusted you. I opened myself up to you and let you into parts of my psyche that I’ve never opened up to anyone else. I allowed you into parts of my soul that so many others would kill to get into. You seemed to get there so easily. You bypassed all the security checks and the booby traps and made yourself at home, and you were welcome. Yet you threw it all away. Guess it goes to show that what they say is true. No guy ever wants a girl who is easy. You throw yourself at a guy and they walk all over you. Why should they respect you, when you don’t appear to respect yourself? Who cares it if it’s the reality or not? Does it really matter that you’re willing to let down the prickly walls of your pride for someone, when they don’t even appreciate what you’ve done for them?
You broke my trust, and if nothing else, I think there is a possibility that this has taught me a lesson to not open up to anyone. Not so easily. Because I will get hurt. You took advantage of me. You took advantage of my emotional vulnerability. I trusted you, and you threw me away because you didn’t feel that you could give me everything that I deserved.
If you say so. You weren’t even willing to try. Yes, you put us on hiatus for a month, a ‘trial’ of sorts. But so what?
*sigh*
I don’t know. I guess I just hurt. I have no counter-argument for what you did. You were justified. And I guess you did try. It just hurts to know that I’m not wanted. I’m not the ugliest of girls. Despite all my lack of motivation I can be classified as fairly ambitious. I have goals and desires that I wish to achieve ‘one day’. I can hold a decent intelligent conversation. I’m fairly social, and I can be entertaining, if only to laugh at, as opposed to laughing with. This is me. What’s there not to love? Despite the demands, despite the temper, despite the superficial needs and wants of any girl in a relationship.
I guess if anything this has just shown that I’m not ready for a relationship huh? I’m not ready to give out and commit. Not that I’m looking for a marriage partner. I’m just looking for genuine companionship. You’re probably as confused as I. You probably want friendship and love. And maybe we went about things all wrong. I know that people make mistakes. I just don’t like it when that mistake is me.
No one wants to be the mistake.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:57 am
1 Comments:
A relationship is never simple. There is no rights or wrongs, blacks or whites. It is a mixture of greys and whole rainbow of other colours and hues. Yet our minds and souls cannot take this 'colour' overload. To maintain our sanity and lives, we have no choice to categorise them black and white. The complications of life can sometimes be so overwhelming that it is better sometimes to keep things simple.
Given what you have gone through and if i were in your shoes, neither i think i would be able to step back in that relationship. The fear of the haunting knowledge might just have killed me.
Still we all go on with life...
Post a Comment
<< Home