Pointless Butterfly
four things have been haunting me the last two? three? days. These four topics swirl around in my head and don't leave. The only constructive conclusion that emerges out of these constant thoughts are feelings of irritability and utter tiredness, followed by the pounding sleepy headache that i know so well.Thought #1.
I should've done better with my thesis.
I let people down - but most importantly, ME, down.
I should've brought a bounded copy home with me.
Thought #2.
Work betrayed me.
I was an idiot not to explicitly state to the new boss that I had confirmed with my old boss that i would come back on 1st november. instead i get stuck with this, 'well i'll need to talk to the CEO and get back to you' bah... i don't what stupid gene in me decided to kick on yesterday morning and go, 'stuff this, i'll just play dumb, and hope that she's on my side.' and she's so obviously not. I hate fawning. I hate inter-office politics. you know what i hate most though? making sure that i say the right hting at the right time. It drove me nuts two weeks ago. trying to sound intelligent is such a chore. I hate it. i hate politics. i really do. making sure i don't step on people's toes. it drives me insane. I'm such a perfectionist that when things don't go right i'll end up mulling over the things i did wrong for weeks and hours on end. I'm obsessive-compulsive when it comes to things like that. and even when i go 'stuff it', i'll still end up sometime later on in the night bringing it back up and going, 'YOU IDIOT'. *sigh*
Thought #3
You. Dealing with your departure from my life. Dealing with the knowledge that we will never work out. We are just aren't meant for each other. Trying to analyse why i went off the deep end like i did. when at the end of the day neither of us did anything really majorly wrong. not really, when you take a look at it. you had to kick me out because you had a thesis to write. people sacrifice love all the time. you're no exception. And i got angry and hurt because the feeling of rejection was too much to bear. and that's understandable. silly, but understandable. so where does this leave us? I want the contact with you - i really do. But at the same time - i don't think it will achieve anything. so i guess it's better for us to stay apart. I just wish that you'd come after me sometimes. And i sit there and I watch all these movies with romantic leads and plotlines and I wish sometimes that something like that will happen to me. It's funny how fast i've fallen back into the single life. How after a month bemoaning the loss of a quasi-boyfriend I have effectively shut the door on love. There is no 'new love' on the horizons. And i guess i'm ok with it. but i can't help but have my thoughts stray to you every once in a while and wish otherwise. especially now that it is considered 'opportune' time. what with the thesis out of the way and all. i was told on thursday that 2 people didn't hand in their thesis. they have medical certificates and will not be handing their thesis in for a LONG time. I wonder every now and then if you suffered a mental breakdown or something. most probably not. but i do wonder sometimes, and i wonder if i should contact you and see how you are.
Thought #4
I am lonely and bored. I have no true friends. My best friend is sick and her time is tied up with family anyway. my other friends have work and their own lives. And i'm tired of ringing up my ex for company. we're friends and stuff, but i don't think i want to constantly rely on him for company. it's not healthy.
and so these 4 thougths go around in my head like a merry-go-round. round and round and round. and on top of it all, i know i am still mentally and physically exhausted. the amount of times i've fallen asleep or wanted to sleep in the last two days is proof of that. hell, i fell alseep watching tv at 5pm yesterday. that was weird. one minute i'm sitting in the lounge room curled around my pillow on the couch watching tv, the next minute i'm opening my eyes hearing mum say 'is she awake yet? dinner's on the table'.
*sigh* what's a girl to do with her life, when everything is up in limbo??
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:41 pm
1 Comments:
Wow that's quite a bundle of thoughts to weigh down any normal person!
Hmm... but hopefully things will eventually work out for you...
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