Contradictary Butterfly
I know I said I would stop thinking about Him and all that it entails, and stay focused on writing my thesis. But, well, deep down I am a mass of contradictions. So here goes…I think I’ve decided that we can’t be friends. I know that there were reasons why we couldn’t be together. I know that you didn’t do anything technically wrong. You couldn’t handle it, and you had to bail. Someone always has to get hurt when a break up occurs. In this case, that person was me. I accept. If anything, it’s shown me a few things about myself. But in order for me to heal, in order for me to pull back the remaining tatters of my dignity, I can’t see you. I can’t talk to you. I don’t think I can bear to be near you. I’m halfway through that process of leaving you now. I don’t want to go back. You probably could get me, if you pushed. But you’re not the pushy type, and I doubt you’d go after something like this.
So I’ve decided that for my own sanity, I don’t want to see or talk to you. I want to be able to walk by you and move on, the next time that I see you. Hell, I could even imagine it’d be like one of those Hollywood flicks, and you can hear the ‘I am woman’ soundtrack playing as I saunter off, slow-mo. LOL
You picked the path that we were to lead, and now you have to deal with the consequences. I guess it doesn’t matter who was right or wrong anymore. All that matters is dealing with the present.
And I hope you can regret what you’ve done. I hope that you revel in it, and die. I hope that you crack into a million pieces and realise what you’ve lost.
I was the best you ever had. I am the best you’ll ever have. And if you’re stupid enough to throw me away, then it’s your loss. Truly. You couldn’t do better if you tried, and I don’t care what you say. If you don’t deserve me, then no-one deserves you. Because you are trash. You are scum. You are weak.
And all guys SUCK. Damn your inconsistencies. Damn your emotional insecurities. Damn your pride. Damn your ‘I don’t knows’ and fear of commitment. Damn your inability to stick things through. Damn your responsibilities. Damn your logic, and damn your stupidity.
I hate what you put me through. I hate what it feels like to be rejected, when I know that I am so worth it. I know I am worthy. I know I am more worthy than you’ll ever be. And I hate it that you throw me away anyway. I don’t care that you recognize that you are the one at fault. That you are the stupid one that’s throwing me away.
You believe that you can’t give me everything I need and deserve. All I ever needed was you. All I ever needed was you… the real you.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 2:37 pm
3 Comments:
*APPLAUSE*
good for you!
Strangely, i didn't think that all those stuff you wrote sounded "contradicting". In fact, somehow i felt that it was almost like the most honest and direct thoughts so far (Not that i think you've been lying).
Hmmm... maybe i'm just weird, but truly i felt everything seems so clear.
Thanks for the comments.
Zan - I meant 'contradictary' as in contradictary to what I was saying the other night about staying away from talking about Him. It seems sometimes that all I do is jump from post to post on the fence. And today was an example of one side.
I think that in some ways, the things I was talking about in today's blog was something that I've been thinking about and mulling in my head for a while now.
To be honest though, I don't know how much I talk about everything that goes on in my head here. A lot of it seems integrated to the point that I don't remember what i write and what i only think about. But there have been many moments lately where I do want to be friends, where I've gotten to the point where I write an sms to him but don't send it...
so today's 'revelation' of sorts it seems to me to be not only a contradiction of what I said yesterday, but also of some of the thoughts and feelings that I've had lately.
What makes it ironic, is that my revelation today could still well fall apart tomorrow, or whenever I see him next. *rueful grin*
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