Ruminating Butterfly
Sometimes I wonder if love was worthwhile. If going through the process of falling in love is worth the pain when things fall apart. When we first broke up the agony that I felt was indescribable. It was the ever-cliched, someone pulling my heart out of my chest feeling. It tore me apart to know that you didn't want me. That you didn't love me. That you refused to have me by your side. That you rejected me, and that our relationship wasn't worth your time.And there were moments when I swore that I would never be in a vulnerable situation like that again. That I was stupid to have ever ventured out so far on the limb. And that from thereon out, I would no longer do such things. I think since then I have settled into a strange plane of complacency. In the last few weeks I have often wondered about those feelings of hurt and pain. And to be honest, I think that I would probably go and venture out again, and I would risk getting my heart broken again. Why? Most likely because I am a sucker for emotional trauma, and nothing will ever stop me from trying to hurt myself emotionally in order to feel the angst. An emotional martyr in its true self-destructive form. Don't ask me how I got to this conclusion because it will lead me down the path of my past emotional history and lots of over-the-board egotistical dramatics.
Suffice to say that this round of heartbreak has taught me something about myself. I'd like to think that I've grown emotionally. I know I did certain things wrong, and in some way, this heartbreak has essentially cemented things that I'd always wondered about myself. Am i really ready for a relationship? Am I really as selfish as I always thought myself to be, but refused to admit? Am I really so stubborn and stupid when I should be open and willing to compromise?
The time alone has given me a chance to soul-search. I realise that I went into the first relationship very stupidly for the wrong reasons. It sounds horrible to say, but I don't believe I ever truly respected my ex. Not the respect required for true and equal love. I always found myself feeling above him in some form. Be it academically, physically or mentally. It was like I always had to look out for him and 'teach him the ways of the world.' In reality it's most likely that he's superior to me in most forms. But because he loves me enough, he chooses to let me think that I take the lead. It was such a complex relationship.
The other thing that I have realised, and been angsting over for the past two months, is that I often act impulsively. Last night, I was reading fanfiction of all things, and realised something about myself. I am impulsive. I don't really think things through. There are situations in life when you wish that you could do certain things, when you want to throw caution to the wind. and when it comes to relationships, I think I tend to be in the category that does in fact, throw caution to the wind. 'sure, let's try this,' telling myself that if i don't, i'll regret it.
There seems to be a strange credo that I go by in most things: when opportunity knocks, open the door. When it comes to love, i think i apply this credo in the most exagerrated and most likely most un-useful way.
Pop-culture reference:
"Time passes in moments. Moments which, rushing past define the path of a life just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed? But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, seeing those choices, choose another path?"
That's a line from the X Files. Scully said this during the episode where her and Mulder 'get together.' It's a strange episode because it's so different from the others. the main reason being that Gillian Anderson (Scully) was the one who wrote and directed it. But what i find interesting about this quote, is that it talks about 'what ifs'. so tv show analysis aside, let me try and apply this reference to real life.
I have this quote typed up on my wall. I find it encapsulates the way that I see life. For better or worse, I tend to find that often there are moments in my life where things could go either way. And in my mind, why bother going down the straight and narrow? WHy not venture out into those 'paths untread'? Why not go out there and try and experience life? Of course, the problem is that often the repercussions are not what you entirely expect. Looking back on Him and I, I think that the first defining moment was the day after I broke up with my ex. I could've not kissed him. I could've sat back and let us just be friends. But the thing of it was, I was so excited at the thought that I had solved things. That i could finally be with him. That i rushed towards that moment. I wanted him so badly. It was an awkward time for all of us. And in some ways I don't know if i'm proud of what i've done.
I know that I've broken my ex's heart. I know that. And it's something that sometimes I don't dare face to myself. That I fell for another guy, while still in another relationship. And perhaps I was in that first relationship for the wrong reasons. Perhaps I should never have opened the can of worms that was my love life. And perhaps I did settle for a guy who was not everything I wanted. And when I suddenly found a guy who seemed to connect with me on more levels than I had ever imagined possible, I suddenly realised how much I had settled. And so I left. Because I hated myself that I couldn't give the same amount of love to my ex that he was giving me.
It doesn't make me a better person for having left. He loves me completely. I know. It's something that I have to deal with. It's hard to explain the situation that I am in. He believes that we broke up because he did wrong. In some ways he did. In the last few months of our relationship, he showed a side to me, that I had never seen before. And it was a side that I didn't like. And i guess you could argue that you can't really stray from a relationship if that relationship's foundation wasn't as solid as it should be. So it really was a relationship problem. I felt insecure and his actions did not nullify my fears in anyway. At the same time though, I will be honest in saying that I was having my head turned by this guy. It is so hard to explain and justify.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve everything that I get. That it's all just a karmic circle. Which is fair. But, being human I can't help but still feel that I deserve better. There are things that happen in life that you have no control over. And there are others where you realise you do have a hand to play. And sometimes you sit back and wish that you could just forget that you have choices to make things better.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is what you make of it. I'm glad in some distanced way that things have happened the way they have. I'm not thrilled about what has happened. I'm not proud of my actions, and I'm definately not impressed with being rejected. But if nothing else it has put my life into a bit of perspective. It has pointed out flaws in my character that I'd always suspected but never dared admit to myself. It has I guess made me grow a little. And in some form, I think I would be willing to go into another relationship. If only for the lessons that I could learn. As horrible as the break-up is. As much emotional toll there is, I think I would be willing to go through it all again. If only for what that experience could teach me. If only for what strengths I can gain from it. It sounds strange to say. To seemingly predict the fall before anything has even begun. But that's the way it seems sometimes.
Maybe one day I will be able to say thank you to him for giving me this lesson. I don't know. i wonder too sometimes if i love this guy as much as i seem to think I do. I really don't think that we could become anything. And I honestly feel like I could close the door on this 'chapter' of my life. why? because i can i guess. but if i must be honest, also because i'd like to think that i'd be hurting him if i did. I find myself so shallow and vindictive. And I can't help it. It seems to be the only way that I can pick back up the little pieces of my self-esteem. to wish horrors on his life. I really do want him to regret what he's done. If i'm as important to him as he once said, I hope that he really does die, curling up into one of those brown crispy autumn leaves, whose only fate is to be stepped on and crunched up into little pieces.
I wonder sometimes, if i can really let him go, if we can ever truly be friends again.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 8:46 pm
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