Regretful Butterfly
It's Day Two of 'end of thesis' syndrome. I find myself at a bit of a loss. I have one more essay to write (due on the 27th) but I have strict instructions from my supervisor to not start work or even thinking about it until this Monday.I woke up today around midday. I struggled so hard to stay awake last night to post up my blog, and then sort've wandered around the net in a half sleep-induced haze. I think my body is catching up with me. Mentally I probably am alert. But my body is somehow telling me, that I'm really not.
I think the biggest shock about this thesis being over is the fact that i can't go back and change any of it. I reread my thesis last night before going to bed (the soft copy) and discovered that I could've fine-tuned one of the paragraphs in my last chapter. And my supervisor was right to comment that my final two paragraphs were weak. GAH... *double* GAH... I was so upset I was tempted to relog into blogger and blog about it. But then i wondered if all my ill-pent up feelings were just a result from tiredness and mental exhaustion, and decided to wait it out instead.
I just hate those feelings of 'i should've..' y'know? It's one of the reasons why i always swore that I'd jump on the cliche bandwagon of 'no regrets.' Yet i still find myself drawn there sometimes. Not that I won't jump off when i get sick of the self-misery.
But seriously, I think one of the reasons why this 'ending' of sorts has been such a shock to my system, is because I was in the middle of a run. I *had* to settle. I *had* to finish. I didn't have a choice. And it shocked me when I went into see my supervisor on Wednesday morning. I was prepared to do another rewrite that morning before handing it in. But my supervisor being the wise person that he is, just told me to fix up some sentences, and leave it at that. I think i was shocked. I'd gotten so used to the routine of writing and rewriting, that I expected it to continue. It is all my fault, and I will suffer the consequences (most likely in the mark), but I still wish I could've given myself more time.
Right now my shock stems from the fact that I want to go back and rewrite my thesis. Even though I have been complaining for an entire week or more about how much I hate this thesis. And how much chapter 4 sucks. and what's really the point or the use of doing this anyway? Seeing that thesis in black and white. Seeing that thesis printed and bound - literally like a published manuscript, it .... put everything into perspective. *i* wrote that thing. and it wasn't even like.. I don't know how to explain it. It's so strange. Seeing my thesis in one collection for the first time was such a shock. Honestly, it was. To me the thesis was still in its early stages. THat burgeoning process where everything is malleable and you can manipulate it, coz it's all just lines of black on a white screen. Nothing's concrete, nothing's set in stone. And then suddenly seeing it bound like that... i mean, *wow*.
And then I sort've realise that maybe I could've done something about it. Maybe if i had seen that a month ago, or even a week ago, that would've motivated me even more. I just wish i had one more chance to rewrite it. Fix up that stupid chapter four. the stupid stupid chapter four. the ending is alright, but i think it will detract the reader. And i can't believe i didn't need to rewrite my abstract. They made such a big drama about hte abstract in summer school at the beginning of the year. 'abstract writing is an art'. uh, buddy.. i wrote my abstract around 5am. I sort've half copied another abstract i had from another girl. (you know, same sentence structure type of thing. her thesis was something entirely different, so there's no way you can call me for plaigerising). so like, it really shocked me when my supervisor said, 'yeh, it's ok'. and the worse part of it all is that I can't even feel happy about it all.
It gets me sometimes knowing that my supervisor is right. You can tell by the way he handles things that he's very experienced in the whole thesis/supervisor thing. He knows when it's time to let go. I think he's gone through enough students to be able to take a step back and recognise when it's time to let go. me, personally.. i'm not ready to let go. I want to be back on that bandwagon, as sick as that sounds, because I know now what the end result will be. I have the motivation now. It's not like before, just seeing text on a screen. This is the 'printed word' we're talking about here. This is the closest i'll get to like, academic glory. and it had so much potential to be better than it stands right now. and it kills me that it looks like it all felt apart at the end. grr...
there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head. I don't really know where to go from here. This blog was originally started with the process of dealing with 'you.' and suddenly i find myself blogging up hundreds of words on my thesis instead. I think i might go and try ringing up work and seeing if the new boss will 'take me in' and give me a job (long story). But yeh, I might come back later and see if i'm in a better mood to write about you.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:06 pm
1 Comments:
i guess there is a streak of perfectionism in all of us...
i have designed stuff during my coursework, during the initial stages there is a need to envisage and consider different scenarios for the product. As the project progressed there is always some new ideas on how to improve it. Up to submission of the report, there are still strong urges to change it. However i had to resist the temptation to.
My teacher sums it best: No design is perfect.
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