Curious Butterfly
I know I said that I was getting over him. I know I said that I didn't want to see him ever again. But somewhere in there, in the hidden recesses of my brain, I have been wondering. Are you really ready to let me go? Have you broken down yet and realised what you've lost? Will you really stop trying to test the waters and try and contact me? Are you honestly, truly, *that* cowardly?Seeing as I didn't see you on Wednesday, I don't think I'll see you on the 27th. Reason being you'll have soccer practice. So i guess this is it until graduation huh? Our surnames start with the same letters. So i'll have no choice.
...have you really given up on me? truly? definately? It might just be the vanity speaking. *shrug* or maybe the loneliness. I'm suddenly back where I started. Now that the thesis is out of the way, and I'm expected to rest before doing my last assignment, I find myself with too much time on my hands. My friends are busy with their own lives. I'm going out this afternoon - but that's just with family.
There really is no life here for me. I was supposed to go out to dinner with my best friend on thursday night, and she ended up cancelling on me coz she was sick. So she's out of commission for a week tops. and the others - well, we don't keep in touch as much as we used to. the only time they ever come is when i organise something. and most of the time they come because its an 'event'. y'know, like birthdays or something.
...but honestly... you really don't think about me? at all? I know i gave you the cold shoulder the last few times you contacted me. But, like, have you really given up on me already??? Don't give me this crap about a guy only being able to take so much rejection. You're a guy. If you really want me...
of course, the obvious answer is: you Don't want me. which is probably very legitimate. You have been one of the things that's been floating around my mind lately. The situation that we were in, was really not the best. and both our actions are understandable. I just wish you'd tried and handled it better. Least that's my side of the story. Your side of the story is that *i* couldn't handle it well. And that i'm immature and couldn't take the rejection. My vanity and pride got in the way, and the anger i harboured against you because you had the nerve to reject me, really got me. Honestly, what's the point of telling a girl that you love her, if you refuse to keep her, right?
*sigh*
I guess we weren't meant to be.
But honestly, after all this... you're not even going to try one more time to contact me and try and mend broken bridges? I mean, regardless of whether I shoot you down or not. And to be honest, I still don't know what i would do if you came back. We'd have to talk things through. and i'd have to know that you were 100% genuine. and that you were killing yourself over me. And i'd need to know that we could work out. you'd have to give me all the right answers. you'd have to be so sincere. and you'd have to be willing to compromise. because to be honest, in the past you held all the cards. yes, you did. i never really had a say. maybe i did, but you got me to a stage where i often threw away my own self-esteem and pride for you. just to keep you in my life. whereas you, you weren't willing. but i wanted you so badly at the time that i was willing.
...won't you even think about coming back? Are you really ready to let me go? We didn't end the greatest - least I don't think so. i don't feel there was ever complete closure for us. Well, there was and there wasn't. I just ended up taking everything on board and decided to ignore you. You wanted for us to be friends, but i just felt it was ridiculous for us to even try or bother. I couldn't even look you in the eye. I couldn't bear to be friends with you when you pretended like nothing mattered. ANd i don't care how hard it was for you to do. It hurt me too much. It cut me up so badly that you didn't have the courage or the sudden urge/desire to come up to me, pull me roughly aside and demand to know what was going on. You didn't have the courage to face up to my rage and anger. You'd prefer to slink away. I don't care about the rationale. I don't care that you probably were justified in your actions. All i know is that as a contradictary female, who says something and wants something else, I just wish you'd come chasing after me.
..if nothing else but for my foolish pride.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:33 am
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