Meandering Butterfly
My moods are funny these days. Right now, I'm in the Caffienated, Stir Crazy stage. Where if people were talking to me, I'd be really loud and boisterous, and make crazy statements. Basically a big bag of fun.Around two hours ago, I was a lump of oatmeal. My brain couldn't focus on anything, and my entire body was absolutely exhausted.
I haven't had the most interesting of days, but perhaps you could say that I had one of the more stressful ones. There will come a day (most likely soon) when I will say that pressure is good. But when you're actually under that pressure, pressure is BAD. *very* bad...
Trying to write an entire chapter from scratch HURTS in ways I can't even begin, or even want to, describe. So if anyone's wondering why I haven't blogged like 10 times in the last 12 hours today - you now know why. *hangs head*
Right now, I'm one or two paragraphs away from finishing the new 'revised' Chapter Four. After that, I want to type up a whole bunch of references, before going to bed. Tomorrow, I have to see my supervisor at 4. Before then, I have to fix up Chapter Two (I left half of it unwritten. Why? Because I didn't want to write it... lol).
And then I have a day and a half left to FINISH it. OMG. I wonder if my supervisor has ever had a student like me, who's left things to the last minute like I have. I feel bad sometimes, wondering if I'm pushing the limits of academic ethics. When is help, 'help' and when is it 'cheating'? He's not writing the thesis for me, but he's definately been very open with the suggestions. NOT that i'm complaining. After all, I'm taking any help I can get. And you have to admit, he's a nice guy. I know that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't have morals. But I'm a nice person too. *grin* I mean, you ever notice that you're more willing to help someone, when you know that they're a good person, or if you get along with them more, etc.
I personally know for a fact, that I get along, or at the very least, feel very comfortable around my supervisor. Yes, I may hide behind certain facades with him, and not show him all my ugly sides, but at the very least, I feel that we get along. He has that ... 'gentlemanly' air around him. *shrug* i can't describe it. It's like, he's polite - but in the nicest possible way. So that you never feel self-conscious around him. You can just be yourself, and although he may well judge you, he never makes a show of it. And he lets you be yourself. That's one of the things I like best about him, and I think one of the main reasons why I wanted him to be my supervisor, because I knew that the supervisor-student relationship would be very important. And it would be something that could make or break a thesis. In my case, I am *so* grateful for him. Words cannot describe. But anyway, I'm digressing...
So yeh, I took a shower, and now I feel a lot more refreshed and motivated to do work. To be honest, I think it's the adrenalin talking. I hope I can last the next three days. More importantly, I hope that my supervisor's standards are as high as my own. And I hope that he hedges his bets like I do. In which case, there still might be a chance that I could do reasonably well, as opposed to just 'well'.
My standards are high. I'll be the first to admit that. I know I push myself. Yet what makes it so ironic, is that I also seem to constantly set myself up for the fall.
Gah... I need a labotomy.
I stand by everything I say - and i mean, EVERYTHING I say. It makes for very contradictary and confusing moments in my brain at times. I'm surprised half the time, that people can actually follow all my convoluted meanderings.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:10 pm
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