Fanfiction Butterfly
I have a confession to make. One that is probably defunct in its secrecy based on yesterday's post. But i'll say it again anyway. I used to be an XPhile. Obsessive to the point where I had scrapbooks of articles, X File comic books, collectors cards, novels, episode guides and tapes of episodes from all nine seasons. I also read X File fanfiction (the weakness of all true 'devout' fans).In the last few days in an attempt to assuage my boredom I found myself strangely turning to fanfiction reading again. If nothing for the sake of looking for something to read to keep my mind off things and fill in the time. And it seems in the process of reading this fanfiction I have rediscovered something. It seems strange, but fanfiction reading can make fans out of normal people. In reading the fanfiction I remember back to a time when my interest in the show was waning, but my interest was rejuvenated through the very process of reading alternate endings, and the emphasis on certain parts of the show that i particularly loved that were not necessarily covered by Chris Carter and his creative crew. Ironically I also find myself digging out old tapes to rewatch the episodes.
This time in reading the huge collection of fanfiction out there, I have come across a funny parallel reading. That fanfiction to me is something appeals simply for what it can represent in our normal lives. Fanfiction is the 'what ifs'. Our realities, much like the tv show's plotlines is determined by things beyond our control. In writing fanfiction we regain some sense of control. They allow us to relive certain moments and envisage different endings. They allow us a path upon which to walk where we can do what we wish as opposed to what we must.
And in some way, it echoes a feeling that I have been harbouring lately. In the context of my life, there have been so many moments where I wish that I could delineate from reality. Where i could indulge in my true desires and pursue things that I truly wanted, where I could honestly throw caution to the wind and have circumstances that were always favourable for me. For example, going to Him 'one last time' to see if we were viable. And having us work out. Or even more ridiculously, being absolutely irrational, and hopping on a plane to Norway and asking my 'friend' if he was still interested. I had a dream last night about my friend in Norway. maybe that's what making have these wistful thoughts.
*shrug* I don't know. The pressure's starting again. I have my final essay to hand in next Wednesday and I started to panic this evening. I don't think I'll have time to write it. I reread my thesis this afternoon in an attempt to start thinking about what I want to write for my final essay and discovered that my last paragraph detracted from my entire thesis. And i got so upset. I have a careers fair to go to this weekend, so I'll be 'out of commission' to write this essay.so littel time... *sigh*
eeeeeek!!!
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:54 pm
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