Terrified Butterfly
You messaged me this afternoon. A sweet “get the essay off ok?” sms. I was tempted to reply but declined. I am troubled by the mixed emotions I feel. You suddenly have time to reach out and try and be friends with me. If I was that important to you, you would’ve made some attempts to contact me and maintain friendly relations during the thesis period. Oh wait, who am I kidding? You did sms me twice. Once to sort’ve ‘check up on me’ on our mutual deadlines, and then a week later to tell me that your supervisor sucked. How romantic and endearingly sweet.Stay away from me, so that I can exorcise my demons in peace. I never want to see you again. I want you out of my life. I’m sorry that we can’t be friends. I have accepted that we can no longer be together. But in doing so, I have built up the walls of my pride higher than I have ever had before. I don’t want to fall anymore. It hurts too much to try again with you. Please don’t make this difficult for me. Please.
I am so terrified of loving you. I’m scared that if we became friends again, I would quickly fall back into that emotional quagmire, fall back in love with you. I'm scared that I will read into things that aren’t there. I don't want to love you again. Because i know that in doing so, I will fall again. And I don't want to face that. I don't want to fall. To break into little pieces like shattered glass. Only this time around, I won't have a thesis to throw myself into. I won't have a honours year to glue myself back together again. It will be ten times worse for me this time around, if I take up your offer of friendship and then discover that at the end of the day that your desire to stay in contact with me is only for the sake of being 'friends'. I have harboured so much more. We had the potential to be so much more.
Can we really be friends?
It just doesn’t seem fair in my mind to have accepted your rejections and then come running back to you the minute you start beckoning. Why does everything have to be what *you* want?? What about me? Why couldn’t you have ever done anything that *i* wanted? You made out everything like you would only do things that I asked if it was ‘ok’ with you. Not because you genuinely wanted to please me or whatever. It was more, ‘well I guess so. I think I could live with that’ sort’ve attitude. And that’s not exactly fair. Most of the time it seems like the ball was constantly in your court, and you took advantage of it.
Lately I remember what it was like to be single, and to be honest, it’s not so bad. Or maybe the euphoria of finishing my Honours year is competing with notions of singledom. Who knows. All I know is that I am happy. So please don’t ruin it by coming into my life and putting up my hopes again. Expectations and disappointments are one of the cruelest couples that can enter a person’s life. They’ve already come to me twice. Do I really want them a third time round? Are you willing to risk my feelings again? how genuine are you really? Can you guarantee me that you're here for good this time around? regardless of all the claims that you stick by your friends, and if you're around, you don't plan to leave - for a very long time. buddy, you already left. So before you start/continue/stop smsing me to test the waters, have a good long think. What do you really want? Are you truly prepared for the consequences of hurting me again? Can you guarantee me that you will not disappoint me?
Think about that. A lot.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:01 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home