Frustrated Butterfly
This essay is killing me. So i didn't go to the careers conference. What did i do instead? I crawled back into bed and slept until midday. I blogged, surfed the net, and suddenly it was 4pm. I took a nap until 7.30. Had dinner. Started writing, and have decided on a change of topic. Now i'm frustrated.Nothing's fitting in properly. I have no time. I'm going crazy and I still haven't really settled on a topic. And i have no one to turn to. Last time I had frustrations about these coursework essays I ended up talking to Him, who suggested my topic. This time round I can't do that. The only other person who I could even try to turn to for comfort is my ex. And i really don't want to go there. We had an argument of sorts the other night, and since then I've decided that the best thing for me to do is to keep my distance.
He and i had a phone call argument on Sunday night. I was basically told how badly I had treated him and how he needed to know whether or not I was willing to sacrifice a friendship with him. How much he still loved me, and why couldn't I just give him another chance? I don't dare tell him that in actuality, I probably didn't love him. Not really. I mean, yes I cared about him - hell I went out with him for 2 years. But seeing what I see these days, I wonder how often I would run and hide from the truth. Sometimes I wonder how much I really did love him, and how much it was something that i felt compelled to do, how much of it was responsibility, how much of it was something I did just because he wanted me so badly. How much of it was vanity. how much of it had to do with ideas that someone else loved me. Someone finally had the courage to come up to me and tell me how much they wanted and cared for me. And for that alone, I succumbed.
So now, I'm trying my best to do right by him. He swears black and blue that he doesn't care if I use him. But i feel horrible enough. I've used him often enough that I hate myself and i question myself everytime I keep in contact with him. I hate it when he comes by and asks me for help. I don't know why but i get irritable every time he asks for assistance with his masters work. I don't care. I want someone to look out for me. I'm tired of holding his hand, and I'm tired of trying to help him out.
I know that I don't respect him enough. I know that I constantly feel superior. And i know that they are not good things to have when trying to hold a relationship with someone. So for those two factors alone I know that we can't be friends - not the way that he wants.
It's strange though. How lonely I feel these days. I've been having strange dreams lately where there is 'another' guy in my life. I think I miss that presence of having someone. It doesn't matter who. It's not a specific person so much as it is sometimes simply the idea that I have someone to turn to. Someone who cares. And of course, as mentioned above, this person cannot be my ex. Because it's wrong of me. If i can't love the person, if i can't care about him that way, if i can't respect him, then how dare I even try and be friends and ask for his care and assistance?
Perhaps it is simplly because he has a biggest threshold than i. I know there is a line between how much I can take before I snap. I think that maybe if he would just stand up for himself, and quite laying himself down for me, I would respect him. there is no love, if you can't firstly respect the person. And somewhere in those two years he lost my respect. For every moment that he came crying to me for assistance, for every moment that he did something against my expectations and acted like he didn't know what was the difference between right and wrong, my respect for him dropped. And now in his constant attempts to keep in touch with me, my respect for him doesn't grow in any way. and there's no way that I can help him unless i leave. because if i tell him/teach him what it is he needs to do in order to get me back, it defeats the entire purpose. You don't get told by your ex girlfriend how to be a person so as to gain her back. Its not right that she should teach you what you need to do in order for her to return. it's nonsensical and postively stupid.
That was what was so strange about the other guy that I've been chasing down for so long. I never cared or worried about him using me. I was constantly willing to do everything for him. to be everything that he ever needed. As my ex once bitterly told me, 'he treats you like crap, and you go running to him. i treat you with love and respect and you treat me like crap'. I can't explain it. Ironically I think I respect the guy I go after probably because he is so stubborn and he stands up for what he wants. He makes me work for what i want. Whereas my ex basically gave me everything. Which says so many horrible things about me. Why do i hate and respect a person who makes me work for things? Why do I want this person who treats me so badly, why do i want this person to accept me? is there a fine line between a person giving themself to you, opening up, being vulnerable, and showing off a facade that they are invincible?
I want everything it seems. I want a person who can lay bare their soul to me, and at the same time, gain my respect. My ex laid down his soul for me, yet I never respected him. It used to irk me how he would fall into little pieces and tell me he couldn't do his essays. I did the unthinkable and half wrote them for him, because it was the only way i knew how to get him out of the depression funk. I liked that he would be so grateful. But at the same time it irked me that he could just let someone roll over him like that. If i were in his position, I would accept assistance gratefully, but i would refuse for someone to help me write. I find there are some things that you must do yourself. Otherwise the results are never truly yours. Which is why I used to get so funny about my supervisor. Because i constantly worried that I was taking advantage of his kindness and that my thesis was never truly mine, as much as it was a 'collaboration' between my supervisor and I.
So basically it seems I am in a bind. I have been a horrible person. I have treated another human being with disrespect, and disdain. I have used them (no matter how willing they were to be used) and i have done so repeatedly. After being soundly told off on the phone the other night, I have learnt my lesson and know deep down that I cannot have any more contact with him. Because in doing so, I only hurt him. No matter what he says. Because i know that i will treat him badly. I know that i will somehow use him. I will take his hugs and his kisses because i am constantly pining for human contact these days. I want someone to take me in his arms and comfort me, and tell me that everything is ok. I want someone to reassure me that what i write is up to par, and that I can do this. I want someone to give me a plethora of ideas, to inspire me, and promise me that everything I do is correct. And i want to believe so badly. I want to believe that I am capable and not just some half-decent wreck of a human being.
Instead, all that seems to happen is that i stare frustrated at the computer screen and wish to the high heavens that I could write a decent essay and finish my academic career. I'm ready to work now. I'm ready to move on. Why do i need to prove myself with this stupid essay? I've written everything that I've ever wanted to write about. I'm screwed. i know that. After re-reading that last paragraph in chapter 4, i know that my thesis is sucky. I know i detracted from everything. it's all over. so why don't you people just let me move on? Why put me through this one last hell? Why put me through these burning fires? Why not just let me walk away? I can't do this anymore....
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:19 pm
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