Remorseful Butterfly
Life doesn't always work out the way you expect it. Oftentimes you are faced with problems and sometimes as much as we want to bury our heads in the sand you end up doing something about it. It may not be your finest hour. The decision you make when looking back in hindsight are perhaps not your best. But they were the decisions you made based on what you thought, felt, saw and experienced at the time.
Hindsight is a funny thing. Covered in a golden haze of memory. We often select what it is we want to remember. Sometimes some memories surface and dominate and we forget about other parts. Sometimes we simply choose to forget.
Mum and I have made up to some extent - partly because my brother is now going through a similar road that I went down five years ago.
Mum is looking to sell and this means I have to go home and clear out my bedroom. Being surrounded by objects that I grew up with brings back a wistful, nostaglic feeling.
In spite of everything my family grounded me. My mother defined who I was, be it for better or worse, be it her choice, my choice, or simply the way things were.
I grew up with such expectations. I loved the feeling of the unknown, never knowing where I'd end up. Deciding to be a journalist. Seeing my name in print. Doing all my work experience jobs.
Then going to uni and taking a different career path. Suddenly deciding journalism wasn't the route I was going to take. And then taking a job as a temporary measure and then suddenly everything changed.
One night I purposely decided to try something for the sake of trying it. And it all snowballed from there. Who says big things never happen because of one simple decision?
My decision to go out with him changed everything. And the one chance I had to cut it, to end it, I folded. How things would've been different if I hadn't been so young, and simply stuck to my guns?
Objects hold such tangible memories. Sifting through my bedroom of things. Unused gifted photo frames, containers of jewellery, a box of cds. I still remember the excitement around the purchase, my feelings when I used these seemingly indifferent tangible objects.
And the worst thing is the regret. The feeling of remorse that I put my brother through everything that I went through. He's had the hard end of the stick. If I hadn't done what I'd done, my brother and I would probably be out there living together enjoying the high life. Mum would be happy and content and it would be an entirely different life.
The person I was, the person I grew up as under my mother's tutelage and loving protective cocoon is no more. I no longer recognise that person. Or perhaps if you went back in time and asked a younger me who I was now I wouldn't recognise that person. I am changed. Perhaps there are smidgens of my real self here, but sometimes I feel like I'm living a dream life. I'm living a foreign life that I know nothing about.
I live in a house that's empty of clutter. I eat food that I didn't grow up with and I speak a language that is not my mother tongue. I own pets. I live in the middle of nowhere. If you had asked me ten years ago where I would be, and what I would be doing at age 29 there is no way that I could fathom that this would be where I was at.
What happened to all my exciting ideas of travel? What happened to all my dreams of being famous and being able to Change The World?
What happened to that filial daughter who cared for her family and was close to her younger brother?
That naieve girl is no more.
I went through a baptism of fire, dragged through by a man that perhaps did not truly realise what he was doing. Or maybe he did it anyway. Perhaps he was selfish. Perhaps I was just too young to see what was going on. He thought he was helping me to live my life. When in reality the life that I knew was suddenly torn asunder. Dramatic, I know.
Going through all these 'things' I am reminded of the girl I once was, and I weep to know that she no longer exists.
I sorrow that I could not provide for my sibling and be a better role model. I regret that I was not there for his formative years.
In some ways I feel guilty that I have been so selfish and yet there is nothing that I can do.
Sometimes I dare not say it aloud in case I break the spell. But sometimes I feel like I have live a charmed life.
My mother belives in reincarnation. That we live the lives we live based on the lives we lived before. In her moments of angst and anger she claims she lives the life she lives now and suffers at our hands because she must have owed us a great debt in her past life.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder how bad my life might have been if I can seemingly coast through this life.
Make all these mistakes and yet at the end of the day have a loving husband, a roof over my head, a job, independence. And despite my selfish decisions I still manage to have my mother look out for me (albeit often with a grudging complaint) and a brother who seemingly still recognises me.
I watch him with my half sister and I wonder at the rapport they have. They are so close. It makes me so jealous when I spent my entire life trying to be close to him and not to her to show him that I love him best.
Is it me that is just too conservative? What am I?
Who am I? What have I become?
Lately I have been wanting to go back to some of my roots. I want to write. I still want to be famous. I want to produce. And yet I am so scared. Scared of what my writing would show. And do I in fact have anything to say? All great stories have a moral backbone. They all have something to say. I don't believe I do.
They say write about what you know. And on this blog I have. In fact it is all I write about. There are some posts that are so searingly honest and some that I have been proud of. I grew up in high school wanting to be a writer. Believing that I could do it.
I read copious books. You'd think with that kind of track record I could write something.
In the end I think I am a pretender. I am not a creator. I am a follower. A copier. A second rate.
I can't create the painting, but boy can I copy what you've done. I can put together a pastiche of cliches, but I don't think I could start my own trend.
I am creative, don't get me wrong. Just not creative
enough. I often feel like I fall just short of the mark.
It's been close to ten years now since I met him. Over five since I've left home. What have I made of myself? What have I become? And how sad is it that I am not proud of the journey I have made?
That I don't feel morally right in my decisions. I know the decisions I made and I know why I made them. But I'm not proud of them. And being unable to embrace that part of myself, makes me feel like I'm only half living. It makes me feel like I am only half of what I was. And I don't know how to change that.
I regret not being there. I regret not being more for my family. I regret not being able to provide.
Yet I know that at the time I struggled so badly to live my life and I chafed under all the expectations of my family.
Sometimes I think the only thing I am qualified to write about is my life. The struggle to find my own identity. And the best way to write it is to simply tell the story as it is.
Yet I am scared. In order to be successful it means other people have to read your work. My mother would need to read it. And she would learn through this that I do not feel sorry for what I did. Only the way it came out.
He would read it and realise that I am not the person he married.
I am so scared of what people think of me. Those who are close to me. I want success but I am so scared to fail. But if I don't write about what I know, what else is there to write about?
And yet so often these days I feel the urge. The urge to purge and simply put words down. To craft something. Is it simly one of my impulses? Like that craving to draw? Or my sudden interest in sewing? A brief flash of inspiration, a half complete project to satisfy the cravings, and then no more?
I want to think and feel like I can contribute. But to be honest I think I am not that great. I am just another normal mediocre person who aspires to be something different but is too scared and too lazy to do anything about it. And in that mediocrity I will live and then die.
Wistful Butterfly
It is nice to be loved. Put on a pedestal and thought of positively.
That sweet feeling of What Might Have Been is so intoxicating.
And the thought of it always makes you smile. Especially when you are reminded of the feelings they once held for you.
Getting married in two weeks time, but got contacted by an Old Friend today. I know I shouldn't take to heart anything he says - he is across the other side of the world. But to hear him say that I was one he always dreamt of sure makes me feel good. To think that I had an impact on someone. And someone who I always thought was a looker to boot. I never thought I'd ever impact on anyone who was that good looking. I never went to that much effort.
Tall, blonde, high cheekbones with the deepest blue eyes you ever clapped eyes on.
And he could've been mine - if he'd only stayed in the country long enough and I'd gotten up enough courage to hang around instead of going out with someone else.
In typical fashion he only brought up his feelings as he was about to leave.
So the only thing left was to go on with our separate lives.
I know it can't happen - I'm getting married in less than a fortnight. But every once in a while it's nice to dream and think of What If.
Being told that my fiance is one lucky bastard makes me feel so special. Especially when I didn't prompt for any of this discussion at all.
And I'll be honest, it sure doesn't help to have that little bit of an ego boost.
Consumed Butterfly
Day in, day out. I'm re-reading emails that we have written to each other. And while I know that he's not the right one for me, I'm craving. It's like I've been drugged. All I think about is him.
The conversations we've had. They go over and over in my mind. Round and around they go.
At dinner that night when I commented that he didn't turn up to our dinner bash, and joked, "you just didn't want to see me" and he replied so seriously, "you know that's not true. in fact you know how much that isn't true. there was a time when i all i wanted to do was see you." And he said it so sincerely that I knew they were said with the depths of his soul. Thinking back, I must have blushed. But whether or not he noticed was another matter.
I watched him throughout the night, on and off, and at one stage when he got up to talk, I had a mental image of what he must look like at that most heightened of passions. And I baulked. I knew that he was not the one for me. He's even older than mine. What am I doing? Am I crazy?
After dinner drinks, we chatted away, and the topic came up about his original faux pas. And it was a bad faux pas. But you could he tell he was still very interested in me. When I told him of my recent engagement you could see his disappointment on his face, before he brushed it away and looked at me and half-joked that he was a patient man and that he would wait.
It wasn't until afterwards when I put my glass of wine down that I realised that I had been holding my glass of wine and sipping it as a shield against his intentions.
I feel like I am suffering from a drug. I already have someone. Who makes me smile by his very presence. Who proposed marriage to me in one of the most romantic ways possible. And yet here I am, being consumed with thoughts of another man. How is this possible? Why do I constantly obsessively compulsively through myself into imaginations of a time and place with someone else? Last time it all ended after I had a torrid dream where I was going out with the guy. And since then, I can look him in the eye and know there is nothing there.
I've done it once before, but I always knew with that one that I was using him. This one, I'm not so sure. This one has a lot more higher stakes. What happens if I kiss him? I've kissed one before while in another relationship. Is it me? Is it me that is the problem?
Why do I always toy with the unknown?
I think the fact that I was drinking 2 glasses of wine that evening - way past my limit - assisted a lot, and helped to entrench in me this feeling of euphoria. It made me a lot more susceptible. I walked away from that evening flying high as a kite, feeling very attractive and seductive. And I guess I haven't felt that way in a while. Because I seem to be constantly emailing him in the hope of recreating that feeling.
I was very tempted today to ask him out for a drink tonight, because mine is away at an all-night boys poker night. But I didn't. I was good. And a good thing too. Because he rang me while I was cooking dinner tonight for a chat. How would have I explained my evening to him? Would I have lied? How would he feel that I was going to have after-work drinks with a man other than him? If it was me, I'd definately feel upset. I am stupid to play with his fire. Why am I being drawn to this unfaithful flame? I am silly and stupid. But everything I do atm, every spare moment I have is filled with thoughts of him. I am consumed.
I check my email constantly, anticipating his email. I think about him, wondering, 'what is he doing now?' 'is he thinking about me?' and then I think that's stupid. Why would he think about me if knows that I am taken. Why in fact am I even thinking these thoughts, when I have just become engaged?
Does this mean that I said yes to the wrong man? It can't be, because halfway through that dinner, I wished he was there with me. So is it just that I'm chasing after that feeling of being wanted, needed and lusted after? Am I feeling that neglected for attention? Or am I a whore for a man's attentions? I need them all to be after me. And then I wonder when it all goes pear-shaped, how this turned out so badly?
Temptation is a horrible thing. He's not even the right man for me! I don't like men who have no sense of boundary or propriety. When he first crossed the line, mine found out. And he was slightly angry. You could tell. Who is this guy and why is he trying to pick her up??? And when he met him, he even told me that he was lusting after me. Men can tell these things.
I don't understand why this demon is trying to claw out of me. Making me want to message him or even write him an email saying "i've been thinking about you."
He said to me the other night, how he had thought at the time that he really liked me, and he thought that he could tell that the feeling was mutual. I'm sorry but I love analysing situations like these. I play the playful distant woman very well. I reel them in a little and then become mysterious and ambiguous. I will leave things open-ended and let you read things a myriad of ways. Why? Because it's fun, and I like playing with your mind.
But I already have someone. I think I love the thrill of the chase. But it's consuming me so badly. I drive home everyday and he is all I think about. The conversations go round and round in my head.
Is it that I'm aware of how much he likes me? I don't even know if I like him back. And why should I? I'm about to commit to life and death forever with no end with another man. This is INSANE.
Is this how all unfaithful women feel? Or even men? Do they just work on instinct? And then next thing you know, they've slept with someone else. I know that mine won't tolerate it. He would never let me back if I left. And I'm not even sure I would be sorry. It's hard fighting these temptations. I even know for a fact that the sex would be empty. It would be exciting because it would be new, but that would be it.
I read a book the other day where a character says: "it's not what you think, it's what you do that matters." so does that mean that I can be intellectually unfaithful? or even emotionally unfaithful? but that as long as i don't act out these temptations it's ok? i'm not 100% sure. the comment was made in an entirely different context.
I know now why I never continued the friendship much. I don't like getting rid of people in my life. I think it stems from my father leaving me when I was young. But I don't like exiling people. As a result, I usually try to make everyone feel like they are my best friend. Personable, as mine would say.
But perhaps I did wrong here. I need to make it clear that he's not important to me. But if I'm constantly checking my email to see if he's online, then that's not going to work. I don't want to be unfaithful to mine. That would be so hypocritical, and well, just bad.
How do I purge this man out of my life?
I'm worried that he's going to overstep the boundary again. I don't mind harmless flirtation. A line here, a line there. But last time he went too far. Ending an email with three 'x's is just a bit too much. Especially when you only met the person 3 weeks ago. And you know they're taken.
I am constantly grateful to all my friends for their distractions - often they help me without even knowing they are.
Irate Butterfly
A few things are irritating me lately. The one foremost on my mind atm, is that I wrote an email to someone who last night was claiming how they wanted us to keep in touch. I know he's interested. I know I'm unavailable. But the excitement of knowing that he's interested made me do something stupid today. And now I'm constantly checking email to see when he will reply. And he's NOT replying. Which makes me feel like an absolute fool. I don't do the cool, calm and collected very well. Somewhere underneath that tough facade is a very fragile person. And when I open up after 2 glasses of wine, well, what do you expect? Anyway, now I wish I'd written a much cooler email, as opposed to the friendly one I'd written earlier. I just feel so stupid.
I'm also grumpy at my bf. He's applied for a job that would've been much better suited to me. And I'm angry because 1, that job is mine, and 2, it's in my neighbourhood. I'm just so much better for this than him. He's wasted there, and I have all the contacts. It's not fair. But I really should be reasonable about it> I decided not to change jobs because life at the moment is at a bit of a standstill for me. I want to start a new business. An at home kind of thing. But I can't do that, and start a new job as well. So I decided to stay where I am, while I try to make this baby of mine grow. But that means I have to sacrifice other things, like a job in a neighbourhood I know and will feel passionate enough about. I just feel a bit betrayed I guess, that he would do that to me. If I knew that the job was nothing I could do, that's another thing. But the impression I get is that it's one that I could
actually do. Anyway, I'm just being silly and petty.
Nothing new really.
I mean, I even get the vague feeling that I was the one who showed him the job and went, hey, that'd be cool to do. And he took it and went yeah sure. And that's not fair! I don't want to be competing against him. Especially if it's a job that *i* can do. It's hard, since it's obvious he's overqualified. GRRRrrrrrrrr
Tempting Butterfly
He contacted me the other day. Found me on Facebook of all places. I couldn't believe it. Although I have also been guilty of looking him up every once in a while. I've never found him though.
We bought a house about 4 months ago, and I am ironically closer to him than before. I have driven close by his house, when I go to work (it's a shortcut when the traffic gets bad), and I use the same train station that we used to frequent when I was at uni.
So I guess it goes without saying that he passes through my mind every once in a while.
It's strange. I always thought I'd never ever want to talk to him again. If I saw him in the street, I thought I'd be torn between totally ignoring him, being civil, or simply being rude.
Since this has been over 3 years now, you'd think I'd just let it go. But there's something in me that tends to hold grudges.
Being told that he never loved you enough to make an effort to keep you tends to hurt a girl's ego a lot more than you'd imagine. Or maybe I just have a big ego. =)
Most girls would probably just get over it. But after seeing his Facebook msg, I couldn't help but inspect. He's single - thank god. And he looks a little worse for wear. In comparison, I look pretty good, if I do say my vainself so. LOL.
He's been on my thoughts lately. I've been uhmming and ahhing abt whether or not I should say hi back. He didn't add me. Just msged to say hello. A hi, how are you? Hope you are well. The same kind of thing he's been saying to me the few times he's tried to contact me. And most times I've been quite gleeful in ignoring him.
But lately... I've been tempted. Should I rekindle this? Am I just playing with fire? I have a stupid tendancy to.
The last time I played with fire I ended up ending another relationship over it. And this time, there's a lot more at stake.
Am I just being stupid?
I think part of the problem/issue/thing is that there is that ever hovering spectre of "what could've been". We did get along famously. The only problem was that he was slightly immature. If you give a guy another chance, will he learn?
But what about my own partner? He's going to propose one day. He's been talking abt kids. We've been together for nearly 3 years now. We bought a house. It's pretty serious. Am I stupid enough to do this, when I have a stable relationship? A loving one?
Or maybe I should really be asking myself - am I even capable of love? I know for a fact that he cares more for me than the other way round.
Yet...
Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe this will all go to nothing. Maybe if I cave into my temptations, I'll just start something I don't want to start. And maybe even if I say hello, nothing will come of it.
But I must admit, I feel a curiousity about him and his life that I haven't felt in a long time. Maybe because he made the first move. Maybe.
I wish I was steadfast in my feelings. I wish I still harboured the hatred. But it seems to have been draining away from me lately. Probably due to the curiousity.
I've been updating my facebook constantly, as if imaginging him keeping tabs on my life. As if I wanted him to know how happy I was, and how I've gotten on with life. Petty, isn't it?
I wish I could wash him away.
But maybe, it might also simply be a chance for me to stop this bitterness. I hold grudges. For a Long Time.
I broke off a friendship of over 7 years because of one email. And I haven't really spoken to her since.
I saw her once at a store. I was shocked. She was civil and pleasant. I was standoffish.
I will admit. I have an ego the size of Kilamanjaro.
But back to the subject.... I am tempted. Very tempted. If only just to say hello.
But I'm scared too. Do I want to rekindle something? Even if it's only a friendship? My partner knows of him - has seen him in fact. So there's no real way I can incorporate him back into my life.
Unless I did it on the sly.
How can I think such horrible stealthy thoughts?
If my partner did this - I would be so hurt. I would block him out. Is it even worth risking? I feel so stupid even considering it. Yet, I'm still tempted...
Unfaithful Butterfly
So I was away for a work do this weekend for 4 days and 3 nights - the longest time I've been away from the boyfriend for over 2 years. It's funny how much you can miss a person. The nights were the worst - having no one to cuddle with.
I met someone there. A photographer, whose face seemed to light up whenever he saw me. Albeit, I was with another work colleague who is so much more dashing than I. Tall, beautiful and much closer to this guy's age. Either way, his face lit up whenever he saw either of us, and he'd spend time chatting to us.
We bonded over photography and gardening. And woke up on Monday night to a bizarre dream about kissing him.
I know I have someone I love. I know that I am happy with my life. But the idea and the temptation of something new is quite enticing.
I'm sure he's not interested in me, and if anything he's more interested in my work colleague, even though she's married. i.e. I'm just someone who he's finding interesting enough to talk to. That or being a photographer on the road is a fairly lonely occupation.
So most of this 'unfaithfulness' is just me daydreaming. Just me being silly and making big mountains out of teeny weeny molehills. Just me imagining things that aren't there.
Hopefully it will be out of my system after I blog this out for good. Because I'm not about to ruin something great over something that doesn't even look like it's ever going to begin.
The boyfriend jokingly said to me last night if I was going to dump him for this photographer (I'd told him that this guy had at one stage offered to sell me his second hand slr - I'm in the market) and of course I said no. But for a moment there...
I think part of the reason why I missed him so much was because I constantly needed him there so I could not think about anything else. Is this bad? Does this mean I don't love him enough? Does this mean I'm just 'settling'?
We've bought a house. We're moving in on my birthday. And after that we're going on a month long holiday overseas. My work colleague reckons he's going to propose while we're away. We'll see. But I don't want any warning whatsoever. I just want to be surprised.
And little unfaithful thoughts like these where my imagination runs wild with the unknown, are just that - based on imagination - i.e. they're not real. Not concrete. Right? Or am I just fooling myself? I don't want to play mind games with myself over this. I refuse to ruin something good just for the sake of hypothesising. I guess I just watch people's lives unfold and I see mine as a pretty straight line. No major upheavals from hereon out. House, marriage, kids... I mean, you can't blame me for wishing for a bit of excitement right?
But every once in a while, I see the singles out there, and I don't want to be them. I crave sometimes for the freedom that independence (i.e. singledom) brings, but I think I crave the stability of a relationship more. I don't know. My mind's never been clear cut. But I just hope I don't get tempted. Because if anyone's going to stuff up, I get the distinct feeling it will be me. And I will have to live with that. Knowing that I threw away something that's so wonderful. Only me to blame.
*sigh*
No mind games. No temptation. Just keep your eye on the prize. No distractions. No love affairs. I know that half of it's just ego and nothing more, a case of "Ooo, this guy could be interested in me - how flattering!"
It's not a basis for a serious relationship, and quite honestly he can't be half as good as what I have now. A man who has stuck by me, despite him being the most stubborn man on the face of this earth.
Sleepless Butterfly
So I can't sleep tonight. I carried a whole bunch of heavy pots up the stairs that lead to our house this afternoon. I did it partly in spite. Boyfriend would've taken forever to get them up and wasn't really willing to. So despite my bad back I went ahead and brought all 8 terracotta pots up. And now I'm paying the price for my stubborness. I've spent the last two hours lying in bed in pain, with a sore back. And with nothing better to do than lie there and find a comfortable position, I find my mind wandering.
Mum's been foremost on my thoughts. All her sacrifices and her silent displays of affection. She was never the 'huggy' type. Preferring to show her love through actions. Making your favourite meal. Driving you everywhere. Staying up all night to keep you company while you struggle with your thesis.
There have been many times in the last six months when I've missed her. Moments when memories flit through my mind and I'm reminded of what a sweet and generous mother she is. I know we both did things wrong two years ago. But I just wish she'd grow up so we could behave like adults. Sometimes I think she acts more like the child than I do. And being her daughter, I think I'm entitled to act more like a child than she does.
Yes, I know that she's been through a lot. And that she's emotionally vulnerable. Probably a lot more so than me. But hey, doe she realise what an impact she's having on my life? I know the phrase goes, 'it's not all about you.' But sometimes I feel like it is. I guess everyone feels it's all about them. And you have to find some middle ground somewhere.
But every time, when it comes to us, it feels like I'm the only one giving ground. She's all about face. Pride. I am the mother. You will respect me. What about my respect? *sigh* I sound so needy. So childish.
Today was the first day of our new year, and for once in my life, I decided against ringing mum. It's a big step for me. And in the back of my mind it's starting to worry me a little.
Here is another chance for her to put a black mark next to my name. Am I worried about it? A little. Is it the right thing to do? Possibly.
I rang her during Christmas and she hung up on me a few times. It hurt to ring her up on the premise of saying Happy Birthday (her birthday's on the same day) and have a curt "well thanks for calling" and the dial tone the minute she finds out who was on the line. Not even a chance to explain.
So I decided last week for better or worse to simply send a card this year. Boyfriend has been very supportive. Which is good.
We ended up having lunch with dad instead. If someone had told me three years ago that I would be spending my new year's with my father instead of my mother and brother, I would've told them to get lost and go find another sucker. I admit though I still felt a little bad, a little odd, like I was betraying my mother.
She did bring me up to be a good girl. With all the polite etiquette in hand.
And she encouraged me a lot. I've started taking up hobbies again. Yesterday I bought a second hand sewing machine that I've been battling with. But I'm imagining all the cool things I can make, once I sort this thing out. I started painting last week. And somewhere down the line I want to start playing the piano again, and maybe write a few short stories. My mother really did encourage me in any and all forms of creativity. And I really am grateful to her for nurturing all these qualities inside me.
She never once put me down. Always told me I had a talent (although talent's a dubious thing).
Boyfriend and his friends and family seem very impressed that I can wield a paintbrush, camera and sketching pencil. But to be honest, I think my efforts are fairly mediocre. They're nothing but learned skills that anyone can try. There are definately a lot more people out there with a lot more talent in their veins. I can tell you that. I've seen it in galleries, and local market stalls.
I guess I just miss her. And I'm unsure how my latest choice of actions will affect our relationship or lack of relationship. I'm waiting for her to ring me. I know it's never going to happen. It's like I've lost an entire side of my family thanks to mum. All her relatives are overseas. And I can't speak to them about it. It's just too hard. I feel like she is a wall, a gateway to my relatives. She tells them how she feels and it would be obvious that they would relate to her more than me. I'm just the Ungrateful Daughter Who Has No Idea What Her Mother Sacrificed For Freedom.
Everyone keeps on telling me to give it time. I will. It's just that in moments like these when you stare out into the darkness and all you've got for company are ghosts of the past, you can't help but feel a bit scared and worried that things might not turn out. As much as you hope they will.
Contemplating Butterfly
Always make sure you have enough money hidden away for an exit, my mother always told me. Never disclose your full financial status. Always make sure you have enough so that if things suddenly go pear shaped you won’t find yourself in too painful a situation.
I’m seriously grateful for that advice right now. I’ve got a little stashed away. And as long as I keep my job or find something in the same salary range, I will be able to support myself – even with the car and credit car repayments.
We had an argument this morning. Nothing really major. Just one of those that makes me go into automatic defence mode. I watch myself react to these situations and find it interesting my first reaction is to run. I run away from my problems.
But what’s even more interesting is that it doesn’t really affect me. I wouldn’t be too upset if he left me. Is that a bad thing? The man I threw away my family for – I couldn’t really give (other than general ego and pride) whether or not he chooses to stay with me or not. In fact, it doesn’t even bother me if he tells me that he doesn’t really love me. Perhaps because I know he does. But at the very least it makes me question how committed I am.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. And I wonder if in fact I’ll ever find someone I’ll totally fall for. Where not being able to see him would mean pain to the point of death.
Is it cold hearted of me? Have I done wrong? Am I using him? Possibly. Maybe I’m just looking for a replacement for my dad, like my mother claims. I don’t know. All I know is that as much as he makes me happy, I know I can step away at any moment if I really needed to.
I think I could pull myself together if things went bad. I wouldn’t be able to afford accommodation above $200 a week. I’d have no furniture and barely a life. But I could do it. And pay all my obligations at the same time. In some ways I think I’d like to be able to be forced into that situation. I think I’m pushing buttons to see how long it will take. In the meantime, the happiness and the good times are just bonuses.
Maybe I have an ingrained desire to hurt myself and ruin happy chances and opportunities. I don’t know. Or maybe I just believe I don’t deserve to have happiness like everyone else.
It’s 11. I gotta go check the car and make sure I don’t have another car fine. Food for thought on the way down I guess.
Mourning Butterfly
Under the cover of darkness:
“It feels like he left me. We had a deal him and I, and he just got up and left me.”
“It wasn’t really his choice.’
“But I’d prefer if it had been.”
Those words touch my heart and haunt me more than anything else he’s said in the last 24 hours. Our dog died yesterday. Hit by a train. Still alive, until the vet rang us up and got permission to put him down. There was nothing else we could’ve done. He’d been hit in the head, and I think there was some mention of his spine being broken. When I saw him, I was gently reminded that his head had been hit pretty badly.
We drove to work today.
And as I got in the car, I saw all the dog hair spread across the back seat of the car from Sunday when we went on a nice long walk along the beach. There’s still sand everywhere, and just behind the driver’s seat, two perfect imprints of dog paw prints.
He can’t make those anymore. He’s buried in the backyard. A poor heavy body, stiff from death, bloody from his wounds, and his tail down. It’ll never wag again. It always waved side to side so furiously whenever he saw either of us. My partner in particular. It always wagged the hardest when he saw him.
It’s cut him pretty deep. And I don’t blame him. Our dog was the sweetest most innocent dog you’d ever met. And to meet such a violent death. To have to suffer so long. He came into this world discarded by his mother. My partner found him mewling in the streets. I hope this life was worth it. That the in-between times of birth and death made up for the anguish he had to suffer to arrive and depart from this earth.
I can’t even bear to clean up the living room. He was a reknown hair shedder. Everywhere he went, he shed hair. There’s going to be no more of that. I’m tempted to sweep it all up and put it in a jar. How morbid, I know.
The house seems so empty without him. Even when he’s not home it felt empty. But we always knew he’d come back. He won’t be coming back anymore. Sometimes I almost imagine seeing him there wagging his tail. Telling me that that dog I saw wasn’t him. It was some other dog. And here I am. Come scratch me!
But then I stand beside his grave and see his body there and I know it’s him. So hard to believe, but it’s him. His red collar. His cauliflower ear, with the velveteen fur on his head. It’s him. Without a doubt.
We saw him at the vet last night, an epic train journey home to see him one more time and assess the damage. When I was led in, I stood at the table and found myself petting his head, all the time whispering in my mind, "Silly puppy. Silly puppy." Too busy sniffing the rails to see the train. Silly puppy.
There’ll be no more laughter at his guilt-inducing looks. The wide eyes, the patented ‘I can’t believe you’re leaving the house without me’, the ‘if I don’t look at him, I’ll be able to get away with sitting on this rug.’
And in the back of my mind I always knew there was a chance he’d get hit. I’d lock the doors in the mornings, because I didn’t want him crossing that road, or finding the trains. I still remember the morning I discovered him sniffing the middle of the road and after I screamed at him to get off the road, he followed me down the hill prancing around thinking I would take him for a walk. And forcing me to walk all the way up that steep hill so that I could tie him up for 12 hours. He stayed around the house for a week after that. Poor thing.
It's been close to 24 hours since he died. They rang us at 3.30 yesterday. But he could've been hit earlier than that. That was just when they found him.
There’s so many things I wish I could’ve done more of. But I know we tried our best. We were hardly home. It wouldn’t have been fair to tie him up for 12 hours a day, five days a week. But as my partner says, “We fed him. We tickled him. That’s all he ever really wanted.”
I hope he knows how much he was loved, and how much he is already being missed.
Ex-Butterfly
I’ve been thinking about him on and off in the last few months. Every once in a while he enters into my thoughts. It’s pretty obvious that he’s already over me, and I’ve made it pretty clear that I won’t stay in contact with him. Perhaps it’s the ego. Perhaps it’s the pride. Wishing and wanting someone to constantly be after me. But as in most cases, people get over each other and move on.
I believe he’s moved on.
Yet every once in a while, whenever I’m in the city, visiting old haunts (for my own sake – not to reminisce), I’ll think of him, and wonder if perhaps I might see him. What would happen if we did cross paths? Have we in fact crossed paths, and he chose not to say hello? Would I say hi, or would I make a point of pretending he didn’t exist?
I wonder how he’s going with everything. Did he end up getting a job, or doing that teaching degree he’s been thinking about doing, last I heard from him? I lost the long email he wrote to me to apologise for his behaviour. It went missing along with my email server. It’s probably for the best.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my boyfriend dearly. It’s just every once in a while, I get that niggly feeling. Wonder what he’s doing with his life now? I know that there’s no real point in mending bridges. That it’s best for us that we’re apart. Well best for me. But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder sometimes.
I took a nap in the Gardens yesterday afternoon, and couldn’t help looking across the lawns seeing if I could spot a short redhead. I noticed a guy lying there with his girlfriend, and I wondered how I would feel if I found out that he had found someone new to replace me.
I think I would be a bit upset and angry.
It’s funny how the mind plays tricks and tries to insinuate that life is better on the other side. When all along you know that what you have now is good.
But I can’t seem to help it, every time I wander around the city, he pops up every once in a while. Especially when I’m wandering on my own.
I don’t mean to be constantly on the lookout for him. But every once in a while he crosses my thoughts. A fleeting admission that I would be interested in seeing how he is these days, if only to justify to myself that I’m the one better off.
Sometimes Butterfly
"Here I am and I want to take a hit
Of your scent coz it bit
So deep into my soul.
I want you."
Third Eye Blind ~ I Want You
Even after we argue I come away knowing that I love him. While we’re arguing, and while he’s being callous, I wonder if I have done the right thing, being here. Leaving a former life behind.
But after things are patched up, all I feel is the love blossoming deep within.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m lucky. If I’m more lucky than I know, to have someone who I know loves me. So many people go about their lives looking for someone. And here I am, lucky on practically the first go.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m here because it’s easy. If I’m trying to compensate. If it’s because he’s the first one who’s been really serious, and he’s considered fairly acceptable. And then, here I am just cruising along. Is it ‘real’ love? I don’t know.
But then again, do we ever know? Am I about to throw it all away just because I’m not sure? I don’t know.
We went and saw ‘wah-wah’ last night. I loved it. Portrayed how quirky life can be to a T. Seemed to say to me this is what life is all about. The ups and downs, the happness and sad moments, the tears and the laughter.
And then I wonder why can’t my life be like that? Or perhaps it already is. Perhaps when I look back, I’ll feel that same sort of nostalgia, and I won’t remember any of this uhhming and ahhing. Who knows.
I didn’t get my communications job, and I’m pretty sure I failed my exam for the other job I wanted.
We’re moving out of the city in July. Goodbye urban lifestyle. Hello again to 1 hour train rides. *sigh*
Oh well. You win some, you lose some.
Sometimes.
Preceding Butterfly
Tomorrow’s my birthday. 24.
It’s a good number. It will be a good year. After tomorrow, there will be no more major dramas between myself and my family until the end of the year. I won’t be able to attend my brother’s birthday because I’ll be down at the snow. And mum’s isn’t until Christmas Eve.
Sunday was good. Intimate group of friends. In fact, it was a group that I’ve never had before. My boyfriend and myself were the only ones who’d been to any others. And I myself don’t count.
Mum told me she was ‘busy’ – too busy to celebrate my own birthday. So tomorrow night we’ll just have a quiet dinner. I’m wondering what I’ll get for my birthday. I’ve got a suspicion it might be clothes or something. Boyfriend went down to the big outlet centre on the weekend for a “secret mission.” Or so he says anyway. It might just be a big red herring. But he’s not sneaky or untrusting enough for that.
I have my DFAT exam this Saturday. A bit nervous. I did the sample test questions and came out with a measly 64%. Meanwhile, the other job that I applied for, they sent me an email yesterday thanking me for applying, and telling me someone will be in touch soon to let me know whether or not I’ve made it to the next stage. Bunch of bureaucratic bullshit if you ask me. Why waste the time and effort? Just send me a letter to let me know whether or not I got in. Thanking me for applying can be done with email. Sheesh. Talk about wasting money on postage and labour hours. =P
What else is new? I’ve becoming an ebay junkie, binging out on cheap specials, like 99cent auctions on ebay for black mineral makeup eyeliner, and $2 sample packs. My best buy has been the $18.95 (incl shipping) miessence mascara. Tested it out last night, and it seems pretty decent. I just have to make enough time to let the things dry. Not sure if they’ll smudge or anything yet. Since the organic stuff isn’t waterproof.
I quit out on yoga today. Just can’t bring myself to be cheered up. I’m always so grumpy after driving to work. I know it’s not my boyfriend’s fault, but I hate doing stuff wrong. I wanted to go through a red light today, because I was in the middle of the road. And he insisted no. He comments when I don’t drive in a straight line, or if I don’t see a car. And they’re good warnings. He means well, and is obviously trying to help. But it just makes me mad. I guess I’m just a bit too much of a perfectionist, and I hate being in situations where I’m not in 100% control. Or at least competent. I always walk away feeling so incompetent.
My manager is giving me my performance review on my birthday tomorrow. Talk about Birthday Presents. *sigh*
Anyhow, I may as well make the most of my lunch break and do some more surfing. It’s too F%$*ing cold to go outside today.
Emerging Butterfly
So tell me, how did it get to May? It’s my birthday next week. I’ve organised a birthday lunch/dinner thing on the weekend. I’m tempted to ask my family to celebrate with me. But I’m not too sure. I know my boyfriend’s got or wants to have plans. And they definitely do not involve family.
I was good and rang mum for Mother’s Day. I even rang her to ask to celebrate with me. But of course, she said no. I feel bad. She has it in her head that I’ve basically cut off all ties. And perhaps I have. But maybe I just don’t like being told I have. Either way, I feel bad that I can’t celebrate with them.
But I don’t think she will volunteer any of her time with me. She will just wait and see if I ring her and ask her to celebrate with me. *sigh *
I think I’ve finally got the hang of the mineral makeup. It took forever to get there, but I wore it the other day, and it seemed to look nice. And I no longer feel as much buyer’s remorse as I did the week before, when I realised I’d spent about $120 on make up brushes and foundation, eyeshadow, blush etc. Meanwhile, I’m back on the organic skin care binge. I still haven’t decided what I want to settle on. And then there’s all these websites offering free international shipping and handling…
Looks like I’ll be living off sample sizes for a little while longer.
Boyfriend tried to be ‘manly’ the other night. Decided to cut up all the twigs that were dying from the bushes that the dog had killed, and test out our fireplace. To cut a long story short, we learnt the hard way that our chimney is blocked. And on top of which, we managed to set off the fire alarm. On a Sunday night. Nice…
Now the house stinks of smoke. Or as a friend told us today, ‘what are you guys cooking? Smoked ham? Fish? It was kinda appetizing in a strange way’
Yeah. Double smoked.
=P
In other news, I’m now the official Community Director for my Rotaract Club. Yaay! I get to organise charities for us to donate money to. And then there’s the annual lawn bowls charity. But at least I’m told we’re always guaranteed $2,000 from a local sponsor. So that’s good.
I’m on a bit of a ebay/retail therapy binge also. Just bought myself some miessence mascara for $19 off ebay. Followed by a set of $2 samples of different coloured mineral makeup – which I won’t be able to pay for until Wednesday. Can you imagine? There’s not even enough money in my account to pay for $2 samples. *sigh*
Work is boring as per usual. I just finished applying for another job, so we’ll see if I can make it. There are opportunities here, they just don’t seem like they’re anywhere in the near future. We have a new manager come in in mid June. This will be my fifth manager in as many years.
Talk about old school.
I had 4 photographs put up this weekend. And yet again I was proven right that my name can be spelt a myriad of ways. Only this time not only did they get creative with my first name, they also got to experiment with my last name as well.
Ah well.
There’s a competition on this week for a ‘sense of los or sadness’. I’ve been digging in my archives all week. Happily printing away. Only to find out I’m only allowed 4 photos. D’oh! So now I have to cull and decide. Fuuuun. Especially in a smoked filled house.
One of these days I’m going to get carbon poisoning. Ha!
We also went by Ikea on the weekend. I really want to make our house a home. Make it all comfy and hospitable. With ‘real’ furniture. There was a bed selling there for $95. I also want a credenza for my study to put all my junk in and make the place look neat and tidy.
I want colour schemes and accessories like vases and sculptures. I want photoframes and prints. I want coloured silk cushions and luxurious Turkish rugs. God, I’ve turned into a homemaker. Haha.
Right, well I think that’s all the catch-up I’ve got to share.
Angst is at a bit of a low these days. If only because I’m trying not to wallow so much and just get on with life.
I’m trying to share some of my excitement in life. Although I admit I’m still dreading my birthday a little. I just know she’s going to say ‘you never invited us or wanted us involved in your birthday.’
*sigh*
Watery Butterfly
“Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time” (Blink 182 – I Miss You)
I had a strange dream this morning, where we went down south to a famous landmark of two blowholes in the rock along the shore. I dreamt that my family and I went down and watched the water – it was a rough day in the surf. And slowly the water began to rise. My family and I scrambled up the cliffs, as the water kept on rising. It was like it was alive, creeping up and dashing you. At one stage I turned to see all the swimmers who I’d seen down at the beach frolicking, now look at me in fear, telling me there was no point going towards them to avoid the water, or even to save them.
It was like a tsunami, but it wasn’t. It was like the water was playing games with me. And the waves were spectacular. I kept on wanting to take my camera out and capture the shots. The few that I managed to get, I showed my family members, but stopped after a while, hoping to conserve the batteries for later shots.
I remember being dashed up against a wall, with the water coming at me, and trying to put my camera at arm’s length to save it from being drenched and ruining it. And as it happens in dreams, it worked. I was dashed up against the wall from the waves, but my camera made it.
As I wandered away dazed, I looked through my camera lens and it felt like I was following a spirit of sorts. An ethereal presence, flighty and translucent. And I followed it in the hope of capturing a few pictures.
It began to get dark.
In the eventual melee I lost track of my family. When I found them again, everything was over and I found out that my mother had drowned. She hadn’t gotten away in time.
As I wandered back past where I had once run terrified from, I noticed body bags lined up neatly against the park fence. And eventually we got to my mother’s. And I welled up in tears.
Strangely though, as I knelt by her body she somehow came back. Coughing and spluttering, it seemed she’d only been dazed and lost consciousness for a time. It’s strange how dreams can make someone die, and then bring them back to life.
But the dream itself puzzles me. I’m worrying about a lot of things lately. Money. Family. Loss of Time. Absence of down time. Incompetence in driving. There’s a lot on my mind.
Mother’s Day is coming up too, and I have to face that. And then there’s wondering how I’m going to break the news to my brother that we’ve just bought a car.
*sigh*
My boyfriend tells me that I just worry too much. Perhaps. And they’re just manifesting themselves in my dreams. I've been dreaming about my family a lot lately. I just find it strange, dreaming of water as a living entity, indifferent and malicious at the same time, rising up metres and metres to take over people’s lives. Randomly coming in from all sides, dashing itself up against walls and buildings. Creeping up and then retracting.
And even after everything was over, when I was leaving the area, looking back on a much calmer sea, suddenly it felt like the water was rising again.
And strangely enough, the water was always clear.
Drunk Butterfly
I met some of his American cousins tonight. They seem to like me. I'm on one riesling and a vodka and cranberry. I haven't had a vodka and cranberry in a long time. So I'm a bit hyped.
In a bout of drunken honesty, I told him that I was scared about the relationship. That I was scared that I was too young, and that I wondered if this was the right thing for me to do. And then bizarrely I found myself telling him that no matter what, despite all my fears, I still wanted to be with him.
And suddenly, in a flash of cliched lightening, or in a bolt of self awareness/enlightenment, I discovered that if he had asked me to marry him there and then, I would've said yes.
I told him that I did in fact want to spend the rest of my life with him, despite all my fears. And the more I sit here and think about it, the more I think it's true.
I think I was so shocked in telling him the honest truth before I even managed to rationally process it, that on the train, I found I was pulling back up the defences. I asked him if he was more honest when drunk. And he gave me a bemused smile. I think he knew why I was asking. And he told me yes and no. That sometimes he was more honest, and sometimes he ended up just bullshitting more.
So who knows. I think perhaps time will tell. But at the very least I've admitted it out loud now, that I can in fact see the rest of my life with him. I never thought that would ever be the case. If anything I was more resigned to it than looking forward to it. I always saw it as a bit of a trap. So this is a very big change. And I think internally I'm still dealing with it.
But let's assume that I am in fact being more honest in my drunken state, I think perhaps I really can spend the rest of my life with him.
I've never felt this state of peace before. After and as I was telling him, I found the tears spring forth unbiddingly. And as we walked back to the station, I felt like I was floating. And the whole time I knew I was walking in step with him. They always say that couples who walk together exactly (left foot together, right foot together) are mentally/emotionally/whatever in tune together. And I've never really felt like we were. But for a few moments tonight I felt like we were in tune. Like I'd found a frequency where we were both together. We were on the same wavelength, thinking the same things.
It felt like I was floating. Not in a vodka haze, but more just in an emotional desire to be honest with him and myself.
And perhaps all my fears have just been that - fears. And not inner truths. Who knows.
Time can only tell if my 'honesty' is in fact reality.
Weekend Butterfly
I had a lovely weekend, one where I completely forgot about everything.
Saturday afternoon was spent at the races, where every horse I bet on came third. But since I only bet $1 each way, all I won back was 30 and 50 cents. Basically I lost money.
Saturday evening was at the Spanish Club, drinking sangria and making new friends, and of course dancing my little heart out. To which one of the cutest guys in the room told me he had watched me dancing and I was fantastic on the dancefloor. I’m gonna make sure I get to know him well…
Yesterday afternoon boyfriend and I trekked down to have lunch a suburb away, and took the dog with us. Italian was on the menu, and despite sitting outside in the restaurant’s shadow, it was a lovely peaceful afternoon. I felt restored. It reminded me of the excitement that I felt when we first started going out this time last year. Some of the magic of that afternoon is still hanging around.
As we walked back home, we decided to take a look at some cars (since we’d been talking about it for a while now) and ended up taking a little astra for a test drive. Power steering I think was my favourite feature. The car was fairly nice. Although boyfriend has a few reserves about it being a 98 model. But it’s nice. Acceptable. I could see myself driving it down the south coast. And suddenly the world opened up for me again. Despite getting my driver’s licence, I never ever felt like the world was my oyster. I only got to drive intermittently, and only to places pre-destined by my mother. I never knew what it felt like to just hop into the car and drive somewhere. So now with this steering wheel in my hands, I’ve gotten very excited. Suddenly the world unfolds itself to me. And I can go places, no longer bound by train lines, bus routes or pedestrian walkways.
I’m hoping we can get the finance for this car. He’s trying to sort it out this morning. It would be nice to be able to go places. And the car is nice. Not my dream car, but very very acceptable. It’s pretty roomy despite its size. And we could fit everything we ever needed in there. Already I’m picturing big shopping sprees in places that were once considered ‘out of the way.’
We can buy furniture. We can buy big items. No longer will we be bound by how much we can carry! And on the weekends when we want to go south, we can take the dog with us.
Now that we have a bit of cash back up our sleeves, it won’t be so bad. The extra that we’ll get from paying mum less, we can now use to buy ourselves a car. And in between, we can put a bit more into the credit card *crosses fingers *
Have been having strange dreams of late. All containing my brother. The first had him disappearing into a coma for three nights because my grandpa (who passed away close to 10 years ago) ‘needing him.’ The second dream had my brother crashing into me at the shopping center and offering to give me a lift to the station, only to make a detour to pick my mother up as well. And of course, the minute she gets in the car, arguments ensure. Meanwhile, my phone battery was dying and I couldn’t get through to my boyfriend to let him know where I’d gone.
I’d say the synopsis of these dreams is that I feel like my family is driving my destiny and I can’t communicate this properly to my boyfriend.
Anyhow, daylight savings has kicked in. Time to face the real world again. Sigh…
Marathon Butterfly
Grey dawn filtered through the cedar blinds. Every once in a while the noisy sound of a car or bus zoomed by. Slowly her eyes opened, and rolling over, she happily discovered he was still there. He had stayed the night. Looking up, she watched as his eyes opened to look at her sleepily. She smiled.
He rolled over to face her and she happily snuggled in. This was heaven.
~ * ~
I’ve been looking back through the last few posts I’ve made. All I seem to be doing lately is talking about money.
I went to see Syriana last night. Came away with mixed feelings. There were parts of it that made me think and appreciate. But the whole movie in general seemed a bit hotchpodged. Not like capote, which felt like a whole film. Syriana was basically a story about a large canvass with lots of different players, whereas capote followed one person.
I don’t know. Mixed feelings is the best I can come up with for that movie.
This week is a little better money wise, but only because we chose not to pay off some of our credit card.
The sky’s a bit grey today, and I think it matches my mood. I think subconsciously I’m still dealing with the implications of my letter to mum. While I went out and had a nice dinner (African) and a movie, followed by a divine dessert cake with a side of ice cream, mum was probably bemoaning the loss of her daughter, security and finances, while my brother miserably looked on.
Boyfriend’s in a foul mood over his broken wrist. I don’t blame him. It stops him from sleeping. It stops him doing normal things like zip up his own pants, or iron his own shirt.
Co-worker leaving for a journalism job. I bought a mango-coconut cake from my favourite cake shop and lugged the heavy thing back in wretched humidity.
I ate well last night. Sometimes I wish my diet and life weren’t so tenuous.
As I was hugging him this morning, I felt a little removed. It’s strange that this is my life now. It all seems like such a dream. It’s like I’m just going through the motions. Whereas, when I was at home, it was like I was floating in a bubble. Home was like the womb – and I was floating in my own little sac of ambiotic fluid. That sounds weird, doesn’t it?
Whereas now I’m out in the big wide world, I kind’ve feel a bit like, is this all there is? Is this really happening?
I guess I’ve got the grass is always greener syndrome. I know that I’d miss him terribly if I left. I am a lot luckier than some. And I know that. I’ve got a work colleague right now he’s going through the same misery I was going through a year ago.
It’s actually hard to imagine that it’s been close to 2 years since I first met the guy. And things that meant so much to me, no longer matter so much. Sometimes I find myself thinking about him. But I think I got over him by having my current boyfriend, who effectively swept me off my feet.
Except that sometimes I wonder if I’m just in this for the sprint, and not the marathon.
Sisterly Butterfly
I gave my brother the letter and told him I would pay him less starting from next week. And suddenly I feel bereft. I feel so foul and guilty and miserable.
He’s my only brother, and I feel like I’m abandoning him. Off to a life of carefree existence, while he and mum are stuck in a hole. Barely scraping by and living a wretched existence.
I could make it so much better for them. But I chose not to. And now I feel awful.
He’s the only brother I have.
I’m sitting at my desk at work, and I’m struggling not to cry.
Treading Butterfly
Let’s see. What’s going on in my life lately?
The biggest news is I’ll be paying my mother less (yes, I know, again) starting Thursday week. Boyfriend had a discussion with me, and basically pointed out we would need to move houses, if I didn’t start paying her less. Right now we’re basically treading water.
Not very happy about it, but at least we get to stay at where we’re living now, if I only pay mum $100 a week. It feels a bit like the ‘coward’s way out’ but it’s not like I can have a rational conversation with her right now anyway. So letter writing it is.
Work has been a shitfight all week. Y’know, I never used to swear until I started going out with my boyfriend.
I had the best kebab this afternoon. The best I’ve eaten in a long, long time. Every bite was divine.
I went to a discussion on foreign policy last night, and am ashamed to admit that I fell asleep halfway through it. $10 that could’ve gone towards a decent dinner, wasted. For half a glass of sauvingnon blanc, some salmon sandwiches, and a lecture by a Harvard professor, I spent $10 and got a nap on top.
* sighs*
I’ve been very thirsty of late. Not sure what that’s about.
Did I tell you? I got a haircut too. The hairdresser had to basically hold my hand in the process but it was worth it. I’ve got nothing but compliments since it’s been done. I’ve got myself a fringe – although not exactly what I’d planned on, I’ll admit that it doesn’t look too bad.
My boyfriend’s loving it though, so that’s gotta be a good thing.
His wrist is still a wreck.
My nose has been playing up in the last week. Continual sniffling in the mornings.
For once this week is relatively quiet. Boyfriend’s going back to the hospital for a check up tomorrow. I’ve got a rotaract ball to go to on Saturday night, and we’re taking boyfriend’s dad out to dinner on Friday night because he bailed us out this week. Dumb credit union billed our money twice. So now we’re broke until Wednesday evening.
One of our work mates got kicked out of his house on Thursday night. His relationship broke up, and he seems to be in a terrible state. I don’t understand it myself. But then again, it’s really his business, not mine.
Had a great afternoon at yoga today. Came away feeling rejuvenated, and a lot more stable.
And that’s all I’ve got for today. Random crap about what’s been going on lately.
I can’t wait for the weekend.
Unfair Butterfly
Not very happy at work today. They took me off a report I was looking forward to working on. Something I’ve done before, something familiar, something that I could get lost in for a few days. I’m not happy about it, but I can’t really voice/express my concerns. Just generally unhappy.
Instead, he’s put me on this complex ‘numery’ report. Colour me thrilled.
At least I have a good dinner to look forward to – boyfriend’s gone and bought pasta and salmon for tonight. That’ll be nice.
Anyhow, I’m getting over my disappointment. I probably should try and do something about my unhappiness, but whatever.
Just got back from lunch – had thai to celebrate co-worker’s birthday. Feel a bit more content now. Amazing what a good lunch can do.
Right, back to work.
