Sleepless Butterfly
So I can't sleep tonight. I carried a whole bunch of heavy pots up the stairs that lead to our house this afternoon. I did it partly in spite. Boyfriend would've taken forever to get them up and wasn't really willing to. So despite my bad back I went ahead and brought all 8 terracotta pots up. And now I'm paying the price for my stubborness. I've spent the last two hours lying in bed in pain, with a sore back. And with nothing better to do than lie there and find a comfortable position, I find my mind wandering.Mum's been foremost on my thoughts. All her sacrifices and her silent displays of affection. She was never the 'huggy' type. Preferring to show her love through actions. Making your favourite meal. Driving you everywhere. Staying up all night to keep you company while you struggle with your thesis.
There have been many times in the last six months when I've missed her. Moments when memories flit through my mind and I'm reminded of what a sweet and generous mother she is. I know we both did things wrong two years ago. But I just wish she'd grow up so we could behave like adults. Sometimes I think she acts more like the child than I do. And being her daughter, I think I'm entitled to act more like a child than she does.
Yes, I know that she's been through a lot. And that she's emotionally vulnerable. Probably a lot more so than me. But hey, doe she realise what an impact she's having on my life? I know the phrase goes, 'it's not all about you.' But sometimes I feel like it is. I guess everyone feels it's all about them. And you have to find some middle ground somewhere.
But every time, when it comes to us, it feels like I'm the only one giving ground. She's all about face. Pride. I am the mother. You will respect me. What about my respect? *sigh* I sound so needy. So childish.
Today was the first day of our new year, and for once in my life, I decided against ringing mum. It's a big step for me. And in the back of my mind it's starting to worry me a little.
Here is another chance for her to put a black mark next to my name. Am I worried about it? A little. Is it the right thing to do? Possibly.
I rang her during Christmas and she hung up on me a few times. It hurt to ring her up on the premise of saying Happy Birthday (her birthday's on the same day) and have a curt "well thanks for calling" and the dial tone the minute she finds out who was on the line. Not even a chance to explain.
So I decided last week for better or worse to simply send a card this year. Boyfriend has been very supportive. Which is good.
We ended up having lunch with dad instead. If someone had told me three years ago that I would be spending my new year's with my father instead of my mother and brother, I would've told them to get lost and go find another sucker. I admit though I still felt a little bad, a little odd, like I was betraying my mother.
She did bring me up to be a good girl. With all the polite etiquette in hand.
And she encouraged me a lot. I've started taking up hobbies again. Yesterday I bought a second hand sewing machine that I've been battling with. But I'm imagining all the cool things I can make, once I sort this thing out. I started painting last week. And somewhere down the line I want to start playing the piano again, and maybe write a few short stories. My mother really did encourage me in any and all forms of creativity. And I really am grateful to her for nurturing all these qualities inside me.
She never once put me down. Always told me I had a talent (although talent's a dubious thing).
Boyfriend and his friends and family seem very impressed that I can wield a paintbrush, camera and sketching pencil. But to be honest, I think my efforts are fairly mediocre. They're nothing but learned skills that anyone can try. There are definately a lot more people out there with a lot more talent in their veins. I can tell you that. I've seen it in galleries, and local market stalls.
I guess I just miss her. And I'm unsure how my latest choice of actions will affect our relationship or lack of relationship. I'm waiting for her to ring me. I know it's never going to happen. It's like I've lost an entire side of my family thanks to mum. All her relatives are overseas. And I can't speak to them about it. It's just too hard. I feel like she is a wall, a gateway to my relatives. She tells them how she feels and it would be obvious that they would relate to her more than me. I'm just the Ungrateful Daughter Who Has No Idea What Her Mother Sacrificed For Freedom.
Everyone keeps on telling me to give it time. I will. It's just that in moments like these when you stare out into the darkness and all you've got for company are ghosts of the past, you can't help but feel a bit scared and worried that things might not turn out. As much as you hope they will.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 4:50 am
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