Contemplating Butterfly
Always make sure you have enough money hidden away for an exit, my mother always told me. Never disclose your full financial status. Always make sure you have enough so that if things suddenly go pear shaped you won’t find yourself in too painful a situation.I’m seriously grateful for that advice right now. I’ve got a little stashed away. And as long as I keep my job or find something in the same salary range, I will be able to support myself – even with the car and credit car repayments.
We had an argument this morning. Nothing really major. Just one of those that makes me go into automatic defence mode. I watch myself react to these situations and find it interesting my first reaction is to run. I run away from my problems.
But what’s even more interesting is that it doesn’t really affect me. I wouldn’t be too upset if he left me. Is that a bad thing? The man I threw away my family for – I couldn’t really give (other than general ego and pride) whether or not he chooses to stay with me or not. In fact, it doesn’t even bother me if he tells me that he doesn’t really love me. Perhaps because I know he does. But at the very least it makes me question how committed I am.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. And I wonder if in fact I’ll ever find someone I’ll totally fall for. Where not being able to see him would mean pain to the point of death.
Is it cold hearted of me? Have I done wrong? Am I using him? Possibly. Maybe I’m just looking for a replacement for my dad, like my mother claims. I don’t know. All I know is that as much as he makes me happy, I know I can step away at any moment if I really needed to.
I think I could pull myself together if things went bad. I wouldn’t be able to afford accommodation above $200 a week. I’d have no furniture and barely a life. But I could do it. And pay all my obligations at the same time. In some ways I think I’d like to be able to be forced into that situation. I think I’m pushing buttons to see how long it will take. In the meantime, the happiness and the good times are just bonuses.
Maybe I have an ingrained desire to hurt myself and ruin happy chances and opportunities. I don’t know. Or maybe I just believe I don’t deserve to have happiness like everyone else.
It’s 11. I gotta go check the car and make sure I don’t have another car fine. Food for thought on the way down I guess.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:13 am
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