Tempting Butterfly
He contacted me the other day. Found me on Facebook of all places. I couldn't believe it. Although I have also been guilty of looking him up every once in a while. I've never found him though.We bought a house about 4 months ago, and I am ironically closer to him than before. I have driven close by his house, when I go to work (it's a shortcut when the traffic gets bad), and I use the same train station that we used to frequent when I was at uni.
So I guess it goes without saying that he passes through my mind every once in a while.
It's strange. I always thought I'd never ever want to talk to him again. If I saw him in the street, I thought I'd be torn between totally ignoring him, being civil, or simply being rude.
Since this has been over 3 years now, you'd think I'd just let it go. But there's something in me that tends to hold grudges.
Being told that he never loved you enough to make an effort to keep you tends to hurt a girl's ego a lot more than you'd imagine. Or maybe I just have a big ego. =)
Most girls would probably just get over it. But after seeing his Facebook msg, I couldn't help but inspect. He's single - thank god. And he looks a little worse for wear. In comparison, I look pretty good, if I do say my vainself so. LOL.
He's been on my thoughts lately. I've been uhmming and ahhing abt whether or not I should say hi back. He didn't add me. Just msged to say hello. A hi, how are you? Hope you are well. The same kind of thing he's been saying to me the few times he's tried to contact me. And most times I've been quite gleeful in ignoring him.
But lately... I've been tempted. Should I rekindle this? Am I just playing with fire? I have a stupid tendancy to.
The last time I played with fire I ended up ending another relationship over it. And this time, there's a lot more at stake.
Am I just being stupid?
I think part of the problem/issue/thing is that there is that ever hovering spectre of "what could've been". We did get along famously. The only problem was that he was slightly immature. If you give a guy another chance, will he learn?
But what about my own partner? He's going to propose one day. He's been talking abt kids. We've been together for nearly 3 years now. We bought a house. It's pretty serious. Am I stupid enough to do this, when I have a stable relationship? A loving one?
Or maybe I should really be asking myself - am I even capable of love? I know for a fact that he cares more for me than the other way round.
Yet...
Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe this will all go to nothing. Maybe if I cave into my temptations, I'll just start something I don't want to start. And maybe even if I say hello, nothing will come of it.
But I must admit, I feel a curiousity about him and his life that I haven't felt in a long time. Maybe because he made the first move. Maybe.
I wish I was steadfast in my feelings. I wish I still harboured the hatred. But it seems to have been draining away from me lately. Probably due to the curiousity.
I've been updating my facebook constantly, as if imaginging him keeping tabs on my life. As if I wanted him to know how happy I was, and how I've gotten on with life. Petty, isn't it?
I wish I could wash him away.
But maybe, it might also simply be a chance for me to stop this bitterness. I hold grudges. For a Long Time.
I broke off a friendship of over 7 years because of one email. And I haven't really spoken to her since.
I saw her once at a store. I was shocked. She was civil and pleasant. I was standoffish.
I will admit. I have an ego the size of Kilamanjaro.
But back to the subject.... I am tempted. Very tempted. If only just to say hello.
But I'm scared too. Do I want to rekindle something? Even if it's only a friendship? My partner knows of him - has seen him in fact. So there's no real way I can incorporate him back into my life.
Unless I did it on the sly.
How can I think such horrible stealthy thoughts?
If my partner did this - I would be so hurt. I would block him out. Is it even worth risking? I feel so stupid even considering it. Yet, I'm still tempted...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:20 pm
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