Unfaithful Butterfly
So I was away for a work do this weekend for 4 days and 3 nights - the longest time I've been away from the boyfriend for over 2 years. It's funny how much you can miss a person. The nights were the worst - having no one to cuddle with.I met someone there. A photographer, whose face seemed to light up whenever he saw me. Albeit, I was with another work colleague who is so much more dashing than I. Tall, beautiful and much closer to this guy's age. Either way, his face lit up whenever he saw either of us, and he'd spend time chatting to us.
We bonded over photography and gardening. And woke up on Monday night to a bizarre dream about kissing him.
I know I have someone I love. I know that I am happy with my life. But the idea and the temptation of something new is quite enticing.
I'm sure he's not interested in me, and if anything he's more interested in my work colleague, even though she's married. i.e. I'm just someone who he's finding interesting enough to talk to. That or being a photographer on the road is a fairly lonely occupation.
So most of this 'unfaithfulness' is just me daydreaming. Just me being silly and making big mountains out of teeny weeny molehills. Just me imagining things that aren't there.
Hopefully it will be out of my system after I blog this out for good. Because I'm not about to ruin something great over something that doesn't even look like it's ever going to begin.
The boyfriend jokingly said to me last night if I was going to dump him for this photographer (I'd told him that this guy had at one stage offered to sell me his second hand slr - I'm in the market) and of course I said no. But for a moment there...
I think part of the reason why I missed him so much was because I constantly needed him there so I could not think about anything else. Is this bad? Does this mean I don't love him enough? Does this mean I'm just 'settling'?
We've bought a house. We're moving in on my birthday. And after that we're going on a month long holiday overseas. My work colleague reckons he's going to propose while we're away. We'll see. But I don't want any warning whatsoever. I just want to be surprised.
And little unfaithful thoughts like these where my imagination runs wild with the unknown, are just that - based on imagination - i.e. they're not real. Not concrete. Right? Or am I just fooling myself? I don't want to play mind games with myself over this. I refuse to ruin something good just for the sake of hypothesising. I guess I just watch people's lives unfold and I see mine as a pretty straight line. No major upheavals from hereon out. House, marriage, kids... I mean, you can't blame me for wishing for a bit of excitement right?
But every once in a while, I see the singles out there, and I don't want to be them. I crave sometimes for the freedom that independence (i.e. singledom) brings, but I think I crave the stability of a relationship more. I don't know. My mind's never been clear cut. But I just hope I don't get tempted. Because if anyone's going to stuff up, I get the distinct feeling it will be me. And I will have to live with that. Knowing that I threw away something that's so wonderful. Only me to blame.
*sigh*
No mind games. No temptation. Just keep your eye on the prize. No distractions. No love affairs. I know that half of it's just ego and nothing more, a case of "Ooo, this guy could be interested in me - how flattering!"
It's not a basis for a serious relationship, and quite honestly he can't be half as good as what I have now. A man who has stuck by me, despite him being the most stubborn man on the face of this earth.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:02 pm
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