Floating Butterfly
I'm happier today. I feel much lighter than I have been the last few weeks. And it's all due to one thing. One teeny weeeny eensy thing that in the big scheme of things is like a blip on the stratosphere.Mum told me to take care this morning. I went by her room to let her know I was leaving, and in a calm voice - much similar to the way she used to speak to me before this all blew up.
And suddenly I started floating. It doesn't matter how much you know that someone cares or loves you - it's when they start expressing it in the most basic way - by voice, that it sinks in and impacts. I know there's an argument that actions speak louder than words, but the affirmation by words does so much to emphasise. It does so much more.
And I'm floating.
Meanwhile, I had a nightmare. Similar in content to one I've had before. This time round I dreamt that I was being seduced by a work colleague/executive. And while I refused his advances, this man went to the point of killing my boyfriend. He lay there on a hospital bed getting surgery performed on his skull. Complicated. It was the same feelings of helplessness and loss. And my reading is that yet again I felt like a masculine part of my psyche felt repressed or dead.
I know why I would subconciously think/feel this. I was like a cowed dog around mum last night. We wandered the shopping centre, and I spent the entire evening at her beck and call. I think even she got sick of it after a while and by the end of the night she was forgivingly gruff. I think she felt better that I was trying so hard to please.
I have lots of issues. Self-esteem, in the deepest sense. None of this 'i'm not good enough for happiness' sort of thing. Rather, just a general sense of trying to do things so people will like me. To be honest, I don't think I really know deep down who I am. I am satisifed with myself to an extent, and I do in fact exude a type of confidence. But deep underneath those layers of social politeness, I find myself creating my personality out of those very social mores. I want to be the 'perfect daughter' the 'perfect girlfriend' the 'good girl.' The wholesome down to earth in your face lovable girl. But it's just not possible. And sometimes I wonder if my fault lies in wanting to be perfect.
It makes me wish I could break through all of this. And come out the other side with a true sense of confidence. Much more willing to stand up for myself, and less wanting to not hurt other people. I think I took that adage, 'treat people as you would like them to treat you' a little too much to heart. My boyfriend calls me a sweetheart for doing what I do. Sometimes I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and sometimes this belief has become so ingrained in the way I act, that I can't help it or stop it.
Either way, I feel like I'm floating today. Let's hope it lasts.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:22 am
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