Picking Butterfly
Don't ask me why, but I feel like picking a fight today. I came out of a 3 hour meeting today, faint with hunger, and ready to take a break, get out of the office, and maybe dissect some of what had happened.Instead, I was left to my own devices, and as a result, had to entertain myself. I ended up sleeping in the humidity, desperately shifting to get out of the sun's direct rays.
Now that I'm back I find my boyfriend's written back offering to go to the pub for lunch. Thanks for offering. But what's the point? It's obvious that he wasn't really interested. He's had this huge report deadline for the past week and a half. And he's spent the last week having lunch at his desk. Even when he forgot to bring our lunch in yesterday, somehow we still ended up eating at our desks. I'm sorry. But I'm sick and tired of it.
We went out to eat last night, and part of the things that I've discovered I love about eating out is that for however we long sit out there, an hour, or two, or three, I have his undivided attention. We get to sit and talk. But all he was intent on doing last night was eating dinner and leaving. No downtime. I hid my disappointment, but I tell you, after today, I'm really kind've sick of it.
Rationally you might take his side, that I didn't give him a chance. That I didn't get to express myself properly and wait for his response. But I was tired of waiting around. We'd both just sat there for three hours about a meeting that means imminent change in my work life, and the last thing I needed was to wait for him to reply back. I can't help it that my blood sugar runs low, and I need to eat.
I just don't care.
I really and truly feel like picking a god damn fight.
I'm really angry. And on top of that I feel neglected. If I told him, he'd probably just get exasperated with me, and tell me my arguments had no basis, and he'd probably be right. But I can't help the way I feel. I can't help it, that even though there is no legitimate reason for it, I feel so angry. And even though I have no legitimate claim to this anger, I still feel like I deserve sympathy - which of course I won't get from him.
Sometimes I feel so frustrated. I feel limited. In some ways I feel like I have to live by his values. Which of course isn't true. It's just that if I don't, I have to live with the consequences. I have to accept that he won't be happy with me, and so forth. But I can't. All I seem to do is live for acceptance. And it's hard. Feeling like someone disapproves you. Especially when that person is your boyfriend.
I just feel angry. I feel like punching something and crying my eyes out.
I know part of the reason why I'm so upset. I wrote mum a letter on the weekend setting out that I would only pay her when she came in to see us. But she hasn't replied to me yet. And I've been on edge for the past 4 days. I'm worried that the letter never got to her. So I wrote my brother today via email, to check if he knew she had received it or not. But he hasn't replied.
I also haven't been sleeping as much as I should. I wake up constantly tired. I need to go to bed before 11. But I never get to. And the last two nights, I've gone to bed feeling like I'm sinking into sleep. I feel so exhausted at the end of the day.
Sometimes I feel so selfish and insular. Constantly wanting and wishing the world spun around me. Sometimes my boyfriend caters to it, and I love him for it. But at other times, like today, all I feel is put out. Maybe you can argue that I just didn't give him time. But to be honest, I felt like I was pushing for something that perhaps I shouldn't have to. I don't know. I'm just very Grr.
I know he's stressed over his dumb report. But I'm tired of trying to be understanding - even though I know I haven't really tried to be.
The money thing is killing me too. I don't feel right setting money aside for mum. I'd rather just give it to her. And while he constantly goes on about money being 'ours' I don't feel it. I don't feel like I can take any of his to use. Unless of course he offers to pay. I guess in some ways I still view us as two different entities. Sometimes I just wish I had enough money to not have to care about who uses what. But I don't. I need a second job. I need the extra cash. Not for anything in particular. But just for the security. To know that it's mine.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:03 pm
1 Comments:
i guess that is the part of working life that really sucks big time!
Work literally sucks the life out of you; your energy is sapped and body tired, your emotions get all messed up... you get the point.
Yet many of us just can't simply throw the letter and say goodbye to work, as we all need money to survive. Is that why they say money is the root of all evil?
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