Bridging Butterfly
Friends are funny entities. The romanticised version is that they're supposed to be there through thick and thin. The ones you can always rely on. Almost like family. They keep you company, help you through the bad times, and ride the waves with you during the good times.They're supportive, another shoulder to cry on. Helping you dissect that weird date, or untangling your feelings about a guy.
We'd been friends for close to 12 years. And suddenly it's in tatters. Insensitive words were all it took. And suddenly I can't look at her in the same way.
After I came back from my holiday, I decided to give it another go. But I tell you - mending bridges is hard. It feels so awkward. So strange. And I no longer harbour as much sympathy or goodwill towards her. I wonder sometimes if I'm doing this for the wrong reasons - stubborness, pride.
She doesn't seem that receptive. And I can't really blame her. Her decisions aren't based on what I think and feel. She has a right to her own feelings too. Although she did admit that she felt she had become a much angrier person. A mean girl. Which is all fine and good. Except that what I feel is that she's become a lot more judgemental. And I don't like that. Especially when I make a point of never judging. Or if I do, at least never revealing my judgements. And it hurts to be judged - especially by your closest friends. They should accept you as you are.
While she repeats that all she wants is my happiness, somehow the words sound hollow to my ears. Things just don't seem to be the same. Things just are no longer as they seem - not that they ever really were in a way I guess.
I always knew there were areas in our lives that would never overlap. But after such a debacle as this, it is hard. And after all that soul searching, all it takes for a friendship to renew is, 'friends again?' Somehow that seems so juvenile. So kindergarten-esque. We're not in the school yard anymore.
Does she even realise how much she hurt me?
When her justification was that, "I was really sorry. But my apology wasn't good enough. So I stopped caring."
That's not an attitude that I really like. Obviously it's not enough. And considering I had to pull teeth to get that apology out in the first place? Bad form.
Maybe I'm being too petty? I don't know. I just know that I don't feel right about it anymore. It's more awkward than it is comfortable - and that can't be a good thing.
Friends come, and friends go. But with 12 years worth of history, you'd think it would end up better than this.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 12:35 pm
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