Resentful Butterfly
Why is it that money always makes people miserable? Too much of it and you end wondering if people like you because of your money or if they like you for who you really are. Too little money, and you end up scrimping and accusing other people of taking away the little money you have.We had a 'talk' this morning. He's no longer (not that he ever did) going to help out with mum. He's not happy to help me share the burden that is my mother. In fact he's starting to resent that she has any power over our money at all. He hates the fact that he's poor. He's got a point. After all, she's not his mother. She's mine.
At the same time though, I feel like I've been left alone. Set adrift on the ocean and unable to float. It's like he's left me to sink. I feel all alone.
My salary is like this: 592 a week. 300 of that goes to mum, leaving 292. Of that 292, he expects me to pay 150 rent - leaving 142. Then there's the 50 for groceries. That takes it down to 92. On top of that, I'm going to be expected to pay for our visa bill. Which accounts for another 150 - or maybe just however much I can afford. And suddenly I'm in the red. I can't afford anything. No lunch, no dinner, no food. On top of that I have bills to pay.
But I can't complain to him. Because he tells me it's my choice. My decision. I hate the fact that I feel like I want to be walked over. But what does it matter?
He says that he's starting to resent my mother - but instead I find that I'm starting to resent him.
It was my decision to move out, despite my mother's constant warning that I couldn't afford it. I guess I didn't think it through properly, and I've always been easily pressured, to the point where I'd just prefer to have someone else make all the decisions for me.
I really am feeling very sorry for myself. I want to pretend that I can do this. That I can be strong and save and scrimp. But truth of the matter is, I can't. And I can't tell anyone about it. No one will have any sympathy for me. He's like a wall. You have choices. And you need to understand that if you do one thing they can affect other things. Easy for him to say when he earns a hell of a lot more than me. Alright not so much more, but two hundred is still a lot.
Sometimes I just wish I could go back home. Where it's easy. And I'd sit there and put up with all of mum's angry diatribes in order for me to be at home. I don't really want to go out there and live my own life. I'm too scared of doing right - like now for example.
Why was I so stupid to leave? Why do I always think the grass is greener on the other side? Why am I even here?
My cousin tells me that money shouldn't matter. She tries to guide me, asking me what is it I want, and am I happy? If money wasn't an issue, yeah, I'd be happy. But right now all I feel is alone. All I feel is that I'm left out on my own. Once the visa bill gets paid off he can be happy and secure in his money. I can't. And while he points out that I can - all I have to do is stop paying mum so much, it's easier said than done. He doesn't have the family obligations that I do.
His family has never asked anything of him. My culture expects the young to take care of the old. And mum's just not reasonable enough to talk to. Or maybe I'm just too scared to talk to her about it.
Wherever I look, all I find are closed doors - even him. He once said to me that he didn't need to understand.
..is money really worth breaking up over? It all just seems so hard. At the same time, am all I going to do in this life, is just run away?
We're buying a printer. For me. For Christmas. 565. I am so tempted right now to just say no. After all, how often am I going to use it anyway? I don't really want anything.
I'm feeling all morose and sorry for myself. I want to be perfect I want to feel the bitter taste of martyrdom.
He wanders around like everything is ok. And I can't rationally do anything. I have to have reasons for my outbursts otherwise he just starts up and then we have these huge arguments where I end up being wrong. I'm tired of being wrong. For once, I just want to be right.
I don't think I'll ever find anyone who will properly understand. I wonder sometimes if this relationship is even as cracked up as I'd like it to be. Do I even understand what love is all about? I don't think so.
I can't expect him to take care of me - not the way I want to, and I have to accept that he has his own feelings. He is an individual and not someone I can control or expect from. I have to stand on my own two feet.
But at the same time I get the feeling that I might well have to starve in order to stay here. I want so much to hold onto my pride and dignity and not ask anything of him. At the same time, I know my situation.
He is a hard taskmaster.
Sometimes I just wish I could be mean. I have it in me. I can see all the arguments that people can hold against me. Hell, you could just call me a money-mongering whore if you wanted to. All I ever used him for was money and sex. Sometimes I really don't understand what love is.
He's always got the moral high ground and I'll never have enough confidence to believe that I might be right.
Misery. All I feel is misery.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:56 am
1 Comments:
Money is always a problem to those who lack it.
Hope that life is kinder to you.
Zan
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