True Butterfly
I had an attack of the guilts today. I did something that perhaps I shouldn't have. And for a few moments today, I sat there staring into space battling my conscience.And while at the end of the day I 'did the right thing' the thoughts have been haunting me ever since.
I am proud of what I did. I like what it says about me - that although I hesitate in 'doing the right thing' given time, I do come around, and deep down I am a honest person. I am a good person.
Should I write here what I did? His information, his personal life isn't really mine to tell. Yet I also feel the need to vindicate my actions and feel good about myself. I feel the need to brag. Although perhaps it's not much worth to brag about.
I came across some of my boyfriend's personal papers today. And against my will, well, alright, curiousity got the better of me, and I found myself reading them. And the more I read, I suddenly felt like I was seeing things that I shouldn't be reading - that if he had wanted to tell me, he would have.
And finding out what I did, I suddenly got scared. Because finding out some things by yourself can be pretty scary. You sit there and think, 'he didn't tell me about this.' And you feel like maybe he was trying to hide something from you, and your entire perspective on the relationship changes.
And then you hear footsteps upstairs and know that he's coming back, and you hurriedly put all the papers away. And pretend that everything's ok. Except that everything's not. And after a while, he notices it too, and asks you what the matter is.
'Nothing,' you say.
And while he moves in and out of the house moving bottles to the recycling bin outside, you sit there battling your conscience.
'Should I ask him?'And so the argument went, round and round, and round.
'Maybe I should research this first. He'll tell me in good time. And when he does, I'll pretend that I never knew, and inside I'll be happy that he finally got around to telling me.'
'But that's not very honest. How would you feel if he did something like that?'
'I should be honest and just tell him I found it, and ask what it means.'
'What if he thinks I've been snooping? I shoould respect his privacy. I shouldn't pry. He'll tell me in his good time if he wants or chooses to.'
As he made breakfast for me, I finally got up the courage. Asking him to sit with me for a moment, I gathered up my courage, closed my eyes, told him what I did, and asked him what I had been reading meant.
He was apologetic, explaining he would've told me, but it was just that he was scared. He was worried that I would get scared. He then asked me if I was scared, and I admitted a little. But the more I heard about it, the more I realised I wasn't scared. Once I found it out it wasn't what I had originally thought it was, I was ok with it. And I was actually in fact more hurt that he had originally chosen not to tell me.
For fifteen minutes today, my entire world changed. It tipped on its axis and turned topsy turvy. Suddenly the security and love that I had grown accustomed to started to crumble and collapse - and I wondered how I could get out of the situation I was in. Suddenly I wanted out.
I'm proud of the fact that I was able to be honest with him - telling him what I'd done, and expressing my fears to him. I'm proud that I didn't hide what I had done and pretend that I had never come across the papers in the first place.
And while perhaps they weren't a big deal - arguably not even to him - it was to me. Because for a little while it felt like he had been hiding from me, and the man that I had grown to love, was in fact a person I knew close to nothing about. So much of his past is a black hole to me and I get scared prying. I need to work on that.
But at least I can look back at myself today and think to myself - I was honest with myself. I was honest to him, I was honest to me, I was honest to the relationship. I didn't hide. And I was willing to take the consequences if it had come out that what I had feared most had come true. I would've played with the cards I'd been dealt with.
Things happen for a reason they say. Fate has a way of catching up with you. If it's meant to be yours, it'll be yours. And for a few moments today I choose to adhere to this philosophy a little closer than I usually do. Because to me, I just proved to myself that I can be a honest person. That I will not hide. That I will not pretend. I will be true.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:21 pm
1 Comments:
In my defence, I have to point out that I wasn't looking for his papers specifically. Rather they were in my bag - he'd put them there and hadn't gotten around to taking them out.
I had no idea what it was - it was only after flicking through that I realised what they were. And as I skimmed down the page, realising what it was, I began to continue reading.
And while I agree with you that perhaps I should have stopped right then - well, here's two things.
The first thing I discovered upon reading, was that I found out something about him that he'd never told me before. And it was something that was fairly serious. And the second one, in finding out this information, I began to wonder if maybe he was hiding other things from me as well.
Or do I just sound like I'm making excuses?
Let's say for example, your boyfriend comes back from the hospital and as you clean your bag out, you come across his medical certificates from the doctor. Upon first glance you don't recognise the papers as your own, and you automatically flick through. And just as you realise whose they are, your eye runs across a line that says something like, oh i don't know, "HIV positive: yes."
Being his partner, and never having heard him utter that he ever was before, would you not read on?
I wonder what your take on a relationship is all about. While I agree that mutual respect for a person's confidenditality, etc, is a must, I also believe in openess. Tell me all about you and your history - because I sure as hell am going to tell you about mine.
A relationship to me is based on mutual trust. Mutual trust - not so much about whether or not you want to pry into my past, but mutual trust in each other to tell each other about the things that matter. Anything else, well, who cares whether I come across it or not?
The only way in my mind to have a healthy relationship is to be open. If we're going to be in a serious relationship, in order for me to be there for you, I need to know all about you. I shouldn't need to accidentally open something and come across nasty surprises.
By all means confidentiality has its place in relationships (I mean, it's not like I went and read his diary) - but not when they can potentially affect others.
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