Light Butterfly
I read my horoscope on the weekend, and didn’t believe a word of it. It’s funny how I no longer take horoscopes printed in newspapers seriously. But I’ll still religiously check stars.metwawire.com for my daily forecast fix.Anyhow, according to the paper by the end of the week things on the workfront will look up, and I have a chance to get a new job opportunity or some such. I scoffed and moved on.
Except that this morning my boss – the one responsible for all the pain I suffered last week will be leaving the company this Friday. Imagine my elated joy.
I suddenly feel like a huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. Whereas previously it was my boyfriend who was keeping it from suffocating me, this morning, the boulder has officially lifted.
He also informed me that he had let our previous boss know of my predicament and that most likely it had something to do with the dismissal. He argued that it may well have played a part. And when I pointed out that I wasn’t important enough, he said to me:
“you're well liked by a lot of people baby.
I told you that.
It wouldn't have been all of it, but it may have been part of it”
“you’re well liked by a lot of people” - who’da thunk it. After all that pain, somehow or other I managed to make decent enough contacts to matter. He was reassuring me last week that I was a good person, a nice person. It’s funny though, the things he emphasizes. Like the fact that I’m human and have feelings is a good thing.
In one of those sweet caressing tones:
“You’re a tender little thing, aren’t you?”
I think part of the reason why I feel so relieved and whatnot is also because I never realised the friends I made at work. I suddenly feel a lot more empowered.
I think he pointed out that the office politics going on had to do with the fact that perhaps my boss’s motives were frowned upon. i.e. attacking me was just a way of getting to my boyfriend. Had we not been going out I would have been perfectly safe.
Yet no matter my slight bitterness at having to go through what I did, I don’t believe I’ll ever regret going out with him.
Funny how things work out.
I also find it interesting how my mood swings. When I’m down, annoyed, depressed or whatever, all I want is out. Don’t want his love, don’t want his attention, don’t want his affection. I blame him for all my troubles and hate that I feel trapped. But when I’m happy everything’s great, and I’m thrilled to be with him. The words ‘I love you’ seem to continually pour out of my consciousness and I can imagine being with him always. The world becomes a little clearer, and all I feel is safety and warmth. Like an imaginary blanket is being wrapped around me.
We’re house-sitting this week, and staying at their house, in a different environment, with white walls and spacious clean rooms, suddenly I could picture the rest of my life with him. And suddenly I found myself bringing up the topic about moving in with him.
Y’know there are moments when I wonder whether I should blog in the first place. Whether it does me any good at all, or if it’s just a narcisstic experiment. But I also find that I become unfocused unless I write things out. Writing focuses my troubles and provides an outlet for me. A place to air out my troubles, put them in a little box to put away in order to do other things. Blogging it seems, puts my house in order.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:08 pm
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