Dysfunctional Butterfly
Feeling kind've tired and exhausted. Mentally anyway.Emotionally, I'm all colours of 'blah.'
Today's forecast says:
You feel driven and determined. You are almost manically motivated. You have a point to prove, an obstacle to overcome, a battle to win and a test of strength to triumph under. Is it possible that you could be expending more effort than you need to? Neptune's opposition to your ruler suggests a degree of fantasy or delusion. You are right to think that you can be successful. You are wrong, though, to imagine that your enemies are particularly powerful or that it will take your every last ounce of energy to achieve your desired result.Home life is bland and dry. Mum doesn't talk to me.
The thing I noticed on holiday was how much I missed my family. There no longer is a family at home. I miss knowing and experiencing their love. It's funny how it's the people that make a family. A family isn't just one, because that's what they are. It's the individuals.
I ponder sometimes on the fact that things have gotten so bad at home. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I'd be in a situation where my mother writes me off. Where she dismisses me out of hand.
I won't be home for the majority of next week. It's my boyfriend's birthday. And we're moving to our new home on Sunday evening. I get the feeling that mum's going to take it bad.
Looking back there were so many moments when perhaps in hindsight, I realise I should've tried more, harder, or whatever. But right now, in the heat of the moment, I just can't be bothered.
What does it mean when you can't be bothered? I seriously don't see this getting any better. She won't budge. And I can't see myself budging either.
My boyfriend pointed out to me once, that perhaps I've just gotten lost in what she has spent 23 years telling me I should feel, when I can't help the feelings I have.
I never ever imagined that I'd become part and parcel of a dysfunctional family. A family that is a family, and isn't at the same time.
But there it is. And here I am.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 5:43 pm
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