Virginal Butterfly
She chucked a fit tonight. Over the fact that I'll be spending one night out with my boyfriend - with cousin in tow. "Why can't you love yourself?" "Why do you always want to spend your time outside of home?"
What am I supposed to say? "Yes I'm sleeping with him. And I want to spend time with him."
I don't dare invite him to my graduation. Even though if he did come she wouldn't really object. I just figured that she would be happier if I didn't invite him. Even though I will only graduate once. "Who is he to be involved in your life with your cousin?"
He's my boyfriend, mother. He wants to be part of my life.
Will he forgive me if I don't invite him?
It never crossed my mind to invite him until he mentioned it.
He wants to be part of every facet of my life. He wants to be involved with me. Yet I get the feeling that my mum would be happier if he wasn't. I guess she wants me all to herself. Because she knows that there will come a day when she will have to let go.
Yet, I can't help but want the best of both worlds. Even though I know that realistically, that can't really happen.
"How can I trust you when all your actions bely my trust?"
Then don't trust me. But even if you don't trust me, you have to admit that my life is my own. You think that I don't love myself. That by sleeping with a guy that means that I've essentially thrown my life away. Tell me, how many 30 year old virgins do you plan to find?? How many guys are happy to marry one? On top of which, I *want* to experience sex. I *want* to
give myself like that. I *want* to love and care about someone and share a part of myself. Something that not everyone can necessarily have.
And while yes, I agree that being in the relationship I am right now, part of me wishes that I had held back on the whole virginity thing until now. Because I would have liked to have given that to him. But I can't. And to be honest, in some ways I'm also glad that I don't have to go through that whole rigamorale all over again.
I guess in a way the whole virginity thing never meant that much to me. And giving it away even to someone who I didn't necessarily truly love didn't mean that much. Perhaps because I knew that to the person I gave it to, it meant a lot. I have been very lucky in a way. All the guys I've dated have been serious about me. Have been genuine in their affection. Have never made me feel cheap, used or unwanted. They have given me the security to feel like it's ok. Like it's right to sleep with them.
Or maybe deep down I really don't love myself. Deep down perhaps I hate what I am, I don't understand what it is I am, and so I throw it all away. Because I have no true feelings about myself I let me be guided by others. Societal norms dictate that sex before marriage is acceptable. Even, expected. The virginal bride is no more. Yet there are still plenty of girls who plead abstinence. Many who fight against it, and say 'no.'
I'm not one of them. Sex does not make me feel ashamed about myself. Sex does not make me feel belittled. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that sex makes me feel empowered. All I know is that I view sex like I view kissing or holding hands. A natural progression in the interaction between a boy and a girl. I've never placed a price on my virginity. Not really. Perhaps I sold myself short, but what is done, is done. And I don't really regret it. Maybe I'm all messed up inside. Maybe I don't love myself like my mother wants me to love myself. But that's just her wish for me. It's not that I'm rejecting family. I want my family. I want their love and acceptance of me taking care of my own life. I want control of my own life.
At the same time, it seems these days that what they want for me isn't what I want. Even though they are only keeping my best interests at heart.
I just wish I could sit down and tell them. Tell them that I'm sleeping with him. Tell them that I want to spend weekends at his house. Tell them that I want to go on weekend retreats with him. Tell them I want to go overseas with him. And tell them that even though I'm going out with him, and even though I'm sleeping with him, that family still matters. That I will still be her daughter, that I am still partial to this family. That I still love them.
I just feel bad that here I am trying to incorporate him into my family, bit by bit by bit, and there I am going to not invite him to my graduation. The only justification that I have is that it might be too difficult for him to get there. Our car will be full. Getting to where my graduation is, is a *pain*. An Absolute Pain. So I have that in my favour. But if I let him in, if I invite him, he might call me on my bluff. And if that's the case, well, better and safer not to do it. I've done and said enough stupid things in the last week. No need to continue staying on a sinking ship.
He was right that evening when it all came to a head. When he confronted me and told me up front that it was impossible for me to chart the middle road when it came to my love life. "Why can't you stay? Why do you have to go home? What's the point of pretending propriety, when it's so not?"
The thing perhaps that we need to constantly remind ourselves, or I need to constantly remind myself, is that it has only been three months. Not even, if you sit down and count it out. two months and three weeks. It'll be three months on Friday. If we have all the time in the world, why do we rush? You have stopped the mad dash. But I'm still on the treadmill. You
suddenly stopped and did a 180 last week. And I want to know why. I want to know what brought about the sudden change. What brought about the understanding. What clicked that suddenly made you so open, or at the very least so willing to compromise?
That last night when I brought myself to ring you to question your decision to move closer to me, you admitted that you chose to be with me. You wanted to. It was your decision to move near me.
I know this relationship is serious.
Mum thinks this is just a passing fling for you. She worries and is anxious about me. She doesn't want me to fall too badly.
And I am still too protective of my inner thoughts and feelings to admit to her that I could ever fall for anyone. I don't want her thinking I am any more vulnerable than I really am.
This dishonesty isn't working. At the same time, honesty doesn't seem to be the best policy. As much as I want it to be.
What's the worst that could happen? She won't disown me. She'll just be unhappy. And it's her choice to be unhappy, not me. Ultimately she just wants me to be happy. That is all. Nothing more, nothing less. The only person I am responsible for is me. Because I have no control over anyone else. I can't win. They have their own thought processes. Their own beliefs. But me, I can win with me, because I am the only person that I have full and total control over. Me.
So I'm not inviting him to graduation. Will he get upset at me over it? That I never really invited him? That I never gave him the chance to say yes or no? While logically, logistically it will be too much of a challenge, the more I think about it, the more I realise it would be wonderful to have my boyfriend there. Although I will admit that I don't know how I would feel about introducing him to my lecturers, my supervisor and all my uni friends. Maybe it's a good thing that I don't invite him. But I don't want to hurt him.
Life just seems so complicated. And while I understand that it's not supposed to get any easier when you grow up, sometimes I wish I had a clue. When I wish that the decisions I made about my life wouldn't have such horrendous consequences. When everyone would just quit going all up in arms over everything that I do.
Yes, I understand that she's upset over me. That she feels rejected out of my life. That she sees me going away and she's scared. At the same time I want to be able to go out with my boyfriend and have her blessing over it all. I want to be upfront, I want to be honest. I want to be able to go away with him. He's not some guy. He's my boyfriend. He loves me. "Who is he, to be spending so much time with you?" "What status does he really have? He's not family."
No, he's not family. But I'd like him to be. I'd like him to be accepted by you. I don't want you to feel threatened, envious or jealous that he takes up so much of my life and time. He makes me happy like you would not believe. The security, the unwavering love and devotion. The reassurance that I am loved and cared for.
He doesn't need to explain himself to other people. People expect us to be sleeping together. My culture does not. He had an ongoing email battle today between his best friend, his brother and his dad. And one of his punchlines was over viagra. "Mine is a 22 year old. And no you can't share her." That line in itself says so much.
Sometimes I wonder if I in fact have class. If I'm just mutton dressed up as lamb. The conservative 'good girl' with the wild girl underneath dying to be let out. Dying for an outlet. Dying to be free. Bound by culture and tradition and family expectations. I can't live and let live. I have responsibility to home and hearth. How many 22 year old girls are expected to pay family bills? To be the breadwinner? Not that many. Most girls have their cars, have their boyfriends, live away from their parents. They are adults in every sense of the word. Me? I'm a wanna-be adult trapped in a little girl's dress. Bound up and coddled. I'm allowed to do anything I want. I have no limitations. Except when a guy comes into the picture. Put a boyfriend into the equation, and it's like throwing a spanner into the works. The entire machinery breaks down.
I want so desperately to be honest with her. But I think perhaps it might be wiser to hold back. Talk it over with my cousin. Ask for her advice. And read a book that was suggested by someone.
She is scared because I represent everything that she wants and can't have. I am throwing it all away. I want the best of both worlds. Is it too naieve of me to wish to have my cake and eat it too? I'm tired of the whole, 'everything has its price.' As if it's a threat. Is it a threat? That I will hurt her? That I will upset her? I love her to pieces. She's all I have. She's the only mother I will ever have. Yet, at the same time, I want something for me. I may not bear to part from family right now, but I want so desperately to be able to spend nights at my boyfriend's house. I want to spend evenings and nights and mornings with him. But she won't allow it.
And then we come to the break down of 'allow.' She can't stop me. She can't disallow me. She has no legal binding over me. Yes I allow her her power. I give it credence. I give it life. But family and culture brings us up to respect our elders. To give them power. In some ways by her disallowing, she is exerting control over my life. She does not treat me equally. Perhaps the problem lies within me. That I do not give her the chance. That I do not sit down and talk things over with her. That I do not sit down and tell her - mum, I want to spend more time with him. I have slept with him. I don't want to lie to you. I know you dislike it. I know you worry or think that I will regret it because men will always want a virgin. They will throw it all back at me one day and say that because I had slept with other men that I'm worthless. And they will use that against me. But I don't believe that. I am happy with this guy. I love him. I just want to spend time with him.
She won't can't disown me. She can't disown me. She just wants me to be happy, right?
I just want to be honest.
I'm sick of all the lies.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:51 pm
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