Reflective Butterfly
It's funny how the world goes around. How things come full circle. And how sometimes things that you once thought or believed in, no apply anymore.Despite all the family and relationship angst I'm experiencing these days, I must be honest when I say that I'm on the mend. Despite all the unhappiness, I am happy. Despite all the underlying tension and imperfectness that is my life, I am happy. I came across one of my archived blogs written in November and I am jolted into a different dimension.
So long ago now there were days and nights when I could not imagine how I would get through everything. How certain names would pull at my heart strings and how attention from any male would make me clench up inside. How I craved for attention and would berate myself and put myself through all the heartache and pain.
With a boyfriend in tow who treats me so well, all I feel is a complacency. Others do not matter to me. Those that I craved after two, three, four months ago do not matter. I was woken up last night by a sms from Norway. Three months ago that sms would've spread a warmth through my heart and I would've clutched on like a drowning man on driftwood. Last night, all I felt was annoyance. I don't need him.
Just like I don't need my exes. I don't need a certain Honours graduate to make me doubt myself or to wonder if the way I love someone is wrong. I don't need a flirty and ever-sensitive Norweigen to make me feel any better about myself. I don't need to be wanted. By anyone except by a certain someone. He is all I need.
It's funny how cards fall. How reality checks in, and suddenly all you need is one person. I have no intention of straying. Everything is still new. Everything is still wonderful. Despite the arguments, despite the misunderstandings and differing perspectives on life. I don't know where this will go, where it will end. I know how he idealises it, but if you ask me my honest response to all of that, well, I honestly don't know. All I know is that right now I'm happy just being the wanted, desired, and loved girlfriend. I'm making the most of everything that I can right now.
And the adage, 'all the time in the world', applies so aptly for everything. He will not stray. We will give it time. No matter how close we feel with each other right now, you have to remind yourself every once in a while it's only been 2 months, give or take. If you want to be pernickity, it's coming on three. Slow down time and sort things out. This may still all end in tragedy. Sometimes I wonder if I'm here simply to stroke my ego and nothing else. How much of it is true honest love? He says it's up to me. I don't know. All I know is that he comforts me. And reassures me that I am everything that he ever dreamed of and more. And right now, that's enough for me.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:26 am
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