Pained Butterfly
sms phone wars. rehashing old arguments and going around in circles costs twenty dollars in sms.gah....
all the same ol same ol issues that keep on getting brought up. nothing you can change, therefore nothing you can do, therefore don't worry about it.
the more this comes up, the more likely I feel that one day this is going to end. and not pleasantly by any means.
i miss you so much. i love you so much. yet it's like family has unobtrusively driven a wedge between us. one that i cannot break right now. because i tried and suffered the consequences.
i really hate that i can't give you what you and i want. because i know that i can't hurt family any more than i already have. sometimes i feel so confused. maybe space for the both of us would be the best.
i just don't wall to pull you any deeper into this than is necessary. i'll have to psych myself up though before i talk to you. and perhaps brave the ugly side of work relationships and be totally honest. which means that there may well be a period when we will not be 'together' but still have to work together.
you tell me that you're going to reduce the level i'm at. that you will no longer place me at the highest priority. and i'm scared that that means that you will no longer love me. because everything that you've done so far, I've loved. I don't know how to handle change in relationships, love and loss of. Sometimes it just seems like it's all black and white. If only on the outside, while inside I'm all a mass of grey.
I need to be able to show to the world, my outer persona of love or die. No in between. Either you love me or you don't. If I change in levels, that means that you no longer care. Yet, inside we know that there are levels of love. But it's always easier to accept and trick each other if those acknowledgements aren't said out loud.
I love you. I can't help myself.
Sometimes I wonder if the longer I immerse myself in you, the worse it will get, and the darker and bleaker life will be after you get out of it. I'm a little scared to just take it all as it comes, even though at the end of the day that's all I ever do.
The only thing that I can think about right now is how to protect myself. I don't want to be hurt again. And I really am terrified that you will come to me one day and say, "i'm sorry but i can't hack it." and leave. and i will be left regretting my actions of not putting you first. I don't want to go through all the self-revelation, self-doubt, personal hurt and self-inflected flagellations. I don't want to open up. I should never have succumbed to your temptations and stood strong.
I'm an idiot, what can i say?
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:25 pm
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