Jealous Butterfly
Jealousy comes short and sharp. It shuts you down and closes you off to emotion. It wells up from a place inside and starts to take over. It infiltrates your mind, placing the thoughts that started those emotions in a continuous loop. And all the while your heart shrivels up like a dried up prune, shrinking ever so slowly squeezing out all the love and emotion, leaving a little black spot in your chest.For me, all it takes is for him to mention a past girlfriend. All it took for me this morning was a passing mention that he's brought other girlfriends to family functions before, and that's all it took. I sit here with a deadline due in six hours and I can't focus. All I feel is the griping inside. All it took was a reminder that I have not been his only one. That I am not that special or privy to his attentions. That's all it takes. And there I immediately stand, hurt, wounded, jealous and reactionary as a cat who's gotten it's tail stepped on. Hackles up and defences drawn. Hiding within. Hoping that he will know or seek to find out what has made me withdrawn, but terrified and ashamed that he will find out at the same time.
No amount of reassurance seems to put those ghosts of girlfriends past to rest. I can't do it. I don't know why. I know he's had his run, his fair share, but for whatever reason I can't bring myself to let it go and accept it as a reality. All I seem to do is feel the shrivelling and the pain. And of course, the insatiable jealousy. The hurt. The more I think about it, the stronger that wall grows. I don't want to know. I don't need to know. All it does is hurt. Hurt and hurt and hurt.
Of course the irony is that it probably cuts both ways. If I mention an ex or whatever. But then again, I haven't had the same number that he has. And I also know that those boyfriends past mean nothing. His girlfriends past may also mean nothing to him. Yet the knowledge that I am not the first still gets me. Still picks up me and shakes me up inside.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:11 am
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