Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Irritating Butterfly

Really irritated this morning. Can't really fathom why. Was walking to work and just wanted to scream and punch something.

She wanted to argue this morning and I stopped her. This wasn't the right time.

What I hate is how unreasonable she can be when she tries to pick a fight. Always says STUPID things to try and push my buttons and whatever else. It's just ridiculous. Saying extreme things that JUST DO NOT COMPUTE.

How the hell can you expect anything to be done?

I was yet again reminded by her this morning that my actions belied the idea that I actually wanted to talk to her. I do want to talk to her. It's just that ... I don't know. I think I need time to sort myself out and figure out what exactly is wrong with me.

There are days like yesterday where I think that I am a fairly well-adjusted person. Who is reasonable and logical with her head set straight. Then there are moments like this morning where I begin to doubt where my priorities lie. Deep down, am I really happy? Am I just sweeping things under the rug like I seem to do with everything?

It's just that nothing ever seems like it's resolving itself. I've got the boyfriend on one side constantly wishing I could spend more time with him. But I can't, not if I'm supposed to go by mum's idea about what it means to be a 'dutiful' daughter. I've got family on another, making things so awkward. Just when I think things are looking up in that respect they continually keep on ballooning into epic proportions. And on top of that I've got work with it's two week deadlines and accusing boss and executives constantly out to put me on the death stand.

I know that often I am taking a lot of things onto myself. My sense of duty, responsibility and belief that I am responsible for everyone's hurts and pains makes it difficult for me to live my life. Yet I never really sit down and seriously think about what it is I really want. I guess the fear of one day feeling regret is what's holding me back from trying to be my own individual and live my own life. Or even to grow up and be an 'adult.'

All I know is that I'm really irritable today. I want so badly to punch kick and scream someone or something. Just lash out and forget about all the stupid consequences. Really, really, REALLY irritable.

All that seems to happen is that I'm getting in trouble with EVERYONE. There's nothing that I can do right by ANYONE. There's no place that I can go to to feel better about myself. No place that I can go to where I haven't offended someone. Yes I can't please everyone, but right now I can't even please someone.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home