Comfortable Butterfly
When things change too slowly, we get bored. When they change too fast, we grow anxious. Just as we need to strike a very particular balance with the temperature of our bathwater, we are equally fussy about the tempo of our lifestyle. You now have the ability to adjust the intensity of a particular situation. Don't kid yourself that someone else is in control. Just do whatever you have to in order to be comfortable.
That was yesterday's forecast. But it seems to fit so aptly for what exactly happened last night. Brother spent the evening out with friends. I took the opportunity to have dinner with boyfriend.
Have you ever been kissed to the point where you step away in an absolute daze of bliss and nirvana? I left the platform, wandered onto the train and two stops later realised that I was on the wrong train....
And so began a comedy of errors that ended with my mother shouting at my brother for ignoring her at the station. Because we tried to hide it from her that I'd missed my train. He was just trying to protect me. The strongest feeling I have is remorse that I had to put him through that. I messed him up. I'm a bad sister. Sisterly angst aside, the thing that I dealt with last night was taking another road to happiness.
I can talk to her now. Tell her that I'm on the mend and that sooner or later I'll be the 'good girl' that she wants.
What I essentially came to terms with last night was what everyone has been telling me is in fact true - and does in fact, apply to me. I can be happy, do what I want, and still have a loving family. I do have a lot of freedoms that I never acknowledged before.
Whereas I used to think that if mum disapproved I wasn't allowed to do it - that in fact is not the case. The reality is that even though she may disapprove and be unhappy about my decisions, this does not mean that I can't do them. I just have to accept that she will be unhappy. But that doesn't mean she'll stop me. I have to grow up sometime, and deal with the consequences of my actions.
She told me last night that if I moved out and lived with my boyfriend that I would hurt her. Break her heart again. I've been thinking a bit about moving out. I think that ideally that would not happen for at least two years. And if I do end up changing career paths like I plan to, well, that may well become an ideal opportunity. And this time around I will sit down and talk to her reasonably about it. I think that I need to start growing up. I need to start maturing. I need to start learning to become adult. I need to become responsible for my own actions. And I need to take other people's feelings into account. Stop being so self-absorbed. Try to find that delicate balance between what I want and what other people want.
At the end of the day, all that matters is whether I am happy. Can I live with my decisions? Can I be happy about what is my life? If I don't, no one else is going to make it better for me. Only I have responsibility for my own actions. No one else. Everyone always looks after themselves first. No one else. And even though mothers sacrifice for their children - well, even so, there's only so far that you can live your lives for them. They can't live through you. You have to pick your own paths.
So maybe weekends away aren't so impossible. I know that she will never have a problem with me going with boyfriend and friends in tow. But I wonder if she'll let me go with him on my own. I think if I wait a year and then bring it up, it won't be so bad. He's also suggested I go skiing with him and his family. That should be ok.
It seems in some sense that he's come around a little. The other night I received a sms that told/reminded me that we had 'all the time in the world.' It reassures me to know that he's willing to wait. It also makes me wonder if he has in fact come across this blog. He's seen a page of this surreptitiously a long time ago, and he noticed a blog titled and made a passing joke about it. I wonder if he put two and two together and went searching. Because that line, 'all the time in the world' was in a post just last week. And I didn't receive that sms until early this week. Which then leads me to wonder - if he did in fact read this, how I would feel about it. Would it bother me that he had access to all my inner thoughts and insecurities? Would I ever willingly tell him that I kept a blog? An ongoing diary of my internal angst over current and failed relationships? Would I be brave enough to let/allow him to read it? It's one thing for him to stumble across it on his own, or actively look for it and read it without my knowledge. It's another to know for certain that he's reading it. Because then I have to make the choice - do I let him continue reading it, or do I ask him to respect my privacy?
I lay in bed last night thinking about the past three months. So much has happened. It seems like we've been together forever. Yet it's only been a short while. A very short while.
I think that things will all work out in the end. I hope so.
All the time in the world...
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 9:21 am
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