Brave Butterfly
It's all false bravado. I tell myself these days that she can say whatever she wants and I'll be ok with it, because I know that she loves me.When in actual fact, deep down I'm absolutely terrified. Terrified of upsetting her anymore than I already have. I turn down work functions in order to gain some normalcy into my life. To reassure her.
But where I am in this whole quandry? Where do I fit in? Where do I sit? How stable am I really? She wants both my feet planted on the ground. She wants me to be to be a 'good' citizen. Someone worthy of respect. Someone who can wield power. I just want to flit around. Stopping every once in a while for a drink. Flying by the seat of my pants. Living an existence that doesn't necessarily require much substance. I just want it all to go by. And I'll join in when I feel like.
I just feel so helpless right now. And I'm not supposed to be. He once said to me that one of the best features about me was that I was sure of myself. That I knew what kind of person I was. And that deep down I was happy with myself. That I don't hold all the insecurities that other people have about themselves.
It's all a facade. Any minute now the bricks will all tumble down, and I'll just crack and crumble.
I can't hold on for much longer.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 3:42 pm
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