Thursday, March 17, 2005

Vindicated Butterfly

A cardboard inner-city
Has found its way to me
It's out, and it's out, and it's out
Making me cry

I think that I will not move
I'm too scared to leave my room
But I won't be defeated, oh no

What if cards don't go my way?
Then it's sure to spoil my day
But in voices loud and clear
You say to me it's only superstition
It's only your imagination

It's only your other things that you feel
And the things from which you can't escape
Keep clean for the thousandth time
Stand still and wait in line
So nobody's better than others, oh no

What if cards don't go my way?
Then it's sure to spoil my day
But in voices loud and clear
You say to me it's only superstition
It's only your imagination
It's only your other things that you feel
And the things from which you can't explain

And it's making me cry
And it's making me cry
And I'm slipping away, love I'm slipping away

It's only superstition
Only your imagination
It's only superstition
Only superstition

Only Superstition ~ Coldplay



Only Superstition. Always hoping for things to turn out right and always desperately doing whatever we can within our little realms of control in order to try and manipulate the universe to align and make our lives turn out the 'right' way. The way we'd like and want them to be.

I received an email today from the ex who has given me so much grief in the last six months. The ex who was responsible for making me start this blog in the first place. The ex who put the 'angst' in 'love and angst.'

I won't publish the email out here, at the most I'll take out the little excerpts that mean or resonate the most with me.

By writing and sending that email, he has essentially provided closure for me. Something that I kinda already had. But to be honest, I'm a little thrown by it all.

The most important thing, when it comes down to it all right now, is that I have to remind myself that currently I do in fact have a boyfriend. One who adores me. Who today in an email told me specifically that I was the four points of his compass. He loves me. It's genuine. It is without a doubt. And while I hesitate and umm and ahh it all, deep down there has to be something there, because I've already told him that I love him. Countless times in fact. So the thing that I need to remind myself when reading this email from my ex is that I love my boyfriend. That I choose my boyfriend over my ex.

Perhaps what is most reassuring in that email of his is the last line: "I just hope that this letter actually gives you a bit more insight, and lets you know that finally, if only too late, that I get it."

After six months of pounding my head against your thick brick wall of a skull, yes, you finally get it.

I had a sms war with you yesterday. Least I think it was yesterday. It might have been Tuesday. Anyhow, you had sms'd me demanding to know whether or not we would be speaking to each other at graduation. And I had replied 'no.' You had stupidly replied back with, 'thanks, just needed to know' to which I said, 'there's nothing left to say' and you came back with, 'if that is your decision then I respect that 100%.' I was so incensed over your patronising tone that I immediately dared myself to send back the reply, 'you have no choice.'

And today, with your 5k email, the longest I have ever received from you, I continue to feel that small sense of accomplishment. That I, have effectively, won. I won the war. I may have lost the battle, but sure as hell I won the war.

Sure, there's that treacherous twiggling inside that says to me, 'you can still be nice, you can still try. This thing might still be salvageable.' But seriously, are you mad? Are you insane? You have a boyfriend now. One who is so set on you that he has told you upfront that come one day he may well ask you to marry him.

Don't throw this away because of one piddling email.

Seriously, what's the point of pursuing this? There is no point. Yes, the email provided me with insight, yes the email made me feel a lot better, it vindicated all my actions and made me feel that this was in fact the right thing for me to do. Perhaps all I'm really blogging about is that twiggling feeling inside. That treacherous little worm that says, 'let's go back and salvage things.' All the while forgetting that I'm in a relationship.

My ex writes and tells me that I have the last laugh. I most likely do. And come August, I may well be sitting on a plane flying to Japan to attend an international conference, boyfriend in tow. Life has *gotta* look up from here.

And mayhap I should actually hope that come graduation my ex will not be there. Because him seeing me happy will only spoil things. Bad person that I am, I am so revelling in your misery. Those last few words are still resounding in my head: "finally, if only too late, I get it. I get it."

What makes it interesting though, is that even though you tell me that you 'get it' sometimes I don't think that you've really fathomed out how much I in fact cared for you. Despite my anger and vindictiveness at you, all I ever wanted was for you to love me. That's all. No more. And it probably still does kill me, and still may well kill me one day to know that you will have found someone to replace me.

When you tell me that you just want to mend things so that I don't run you down one day if I see you in the street - honestly? I don't hate you that much that I would do that. I say this now with a clearer mind and more mended heart than six months ago, but I'd like to think that never once would I have done that - mowed you down. I probably would have waved at you and smiled. You truly was someone that I wanted to spend time with.

To be honest, you are the only one I have ever voluntarily said 'I love you' to. You are the only one who has ever made me want to give and give and give, and never held back upon. You are the only one who I have willingly wanted to take upon my shoulders all your burdens in life. I wanted it all and more. I wanted to save you. I wanted it all. Even now with my current one, I hesitate to ask, I hestitate to offer too much in case I bite off more than I can chew. And I never respected the one before you enough. But you, you I respected. You I believed, you I wanted and desired more than anything. Maybe because deep down I knew that I couldn't have you, so I went ahead and let myself go, because I always felt that I would be safe, protected behind a wall of knowledge that we would never work out. Not properly.

As much as I would like to respond, when I look deep inside myself, all I find is emptiness. Hollowness. Whiteness and greyness. Bland. Within your first few lines you have already said that you didn't want me to reply, because all we'll go around in circles and attack each other. Yeh, whatever. Even in your apologetic modes, you're still an arrogant jerk with an inborn ability to patronise.

You're messed up. So messed up. I hope you don't turn up to graduation and I hope you will spend years getting over me, hoping that I'm happy but not brave enough to ever meet me and find out for sure. You're a loser in the worst sense of the word. I want you to sink into that abyss weighed down by guilt and misery. Yes you deserved to be punished, and I hope that you and I will never meet again, because to be honest? I am so much better than you. And I want you to regret this forever. I want you to always sit and wonder. I don't want to alleviate your guilt, sorrow or remorse in any way.

You have fallen buddy. And I'm gonna make sure that no one will ever want to pick you up.

posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 10:37 pm

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