Unsettled Butterfly
Sometimes I wonder if I really know what I'm doing.What on earth am I doing with you?
"I love you more and more each day."
"You are everything I want and more."
"You. Are perfection."
"I love you so much."
"I am the luckiest man alive."
"You make me believe that there is a God."
"You are the best thing that's happened to me."
"You make me feel the most happiest I have ever felt in my life."
Yes, but you're 34, and I'm 22. There are so many better looking, potentially better prospective men out there. Why am I settling on you?
We fit together so well. But I can't help but wonder sometimes if I've settled for the wrong guy. Yes you love me, and yes, I guess you could argue that I love you also. The physical intimacy, the physical affection is all there. We fit so well with each other.
Yet, at the same time, I wonder what it is that truly holds us together.
"I am an imperfect man."
"I'm far from perfect either."
"Yes, but you're a lot closer to perfection than I am."
You act so silly and childish.
You are so thoughtful and kind. I teach you how to count to ten in myy language and three weeks later you can remember from 1 to 9. You remember how to say my name. You actively go and find out how to say "I love you" in my language. You slip it in when I least expect it. You whisper sweet nothings in my ear and you can drive me absolutely wild. You make me laugh.
You love me for me. For all that I am.
What am I going to do with you? Do I honestly want to settle down with you? Are you in fact, truly, and i mean, honestly, deep down raw honestly, what I want?
No, you're not.
Then what am I doing wasting each other's time?
You treat me well.
Perhaps given time we will know for certain whether we are in fact meant to be. You are terrified that I will leave you. That I will wake up one day and discover that you are not what I want, and I will fall for someone far more richer, better looking, and younger than you.
I am afraid that I will wake up one day and break your heart. That I will look beyond the love and devotion that you can give me, in order to pursue a greener horizon, only to be disappointed. And then, upon losing my green horizon, return to find my fields not fallow or fertile, but languishing in neglect, beyond repair.
Confusion reigns. Twisted logic. Unforeseen circumstances.
Yet I still feel that emotion that comes from within. The one that prompts me to say to you, "I love you". Perhaps all it really is, is that I'm moved by you.
Your hugs are so sweet and comforting. Your kisses perfect. You make me shiver and shudder and muster up armies of butterflies in my stomach. Your touch sends me into paroxyms of desire.
What happens though when we no longer have work in common? When suddenly we will not see each other daily? Our fragile lifestyle is already becoming threatened. Our actions questioned.
I love you more than I can say, and the emotion billows out in sickening streams like an overflowing sink of water. Dribbles of emotion pouring out. Yet so often I hesitate, wondering if I am right in doing this? If I am right to 'throw my life away' on you?
"Take care of him" your brother tells me.
"I love this girl, she laughs at all my jokes" he says.
"What are you doing with him? You have poor taste in men" says your father and my mother.
"He's too old for you" a part of your mind says.
"I'm too young for him" the other half says.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 11:33 pm
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