Treacherous Butterfly
Am I faithful, am I strong
Am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel
And all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
Don't worry
You will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo this
Knowing that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around
In time
I own my insecurities
I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
'til I'm the one that brings you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame
For all this
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you
But I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself, you'll find yourself
In time
The riot in my heart decides
To keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete
I can't deny
There's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go so wrong in loving you
Don't worry
You will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo this
Knowing that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around
In time
Sarah McLachlan ~ Perfect Girl
Home is where you can hide yourself from the slings and arrows of your foes. A protective circle from the outside world. Yet when faced with an opportunity to move homes you jump at the chance and effectively break the fragile illusion of home with your fellow family members. And suddenly you are faced with a tragedy in motion. You stand at the edge, fearful of making that leap, realising that perhaps you are not as prepared as you had hoped, imagined or believed, and suddenly you make the retraction. You slink back apologising, wanting what once was.
Except that upon your return you realise that nothing can be as it 'once was.'
Why? Because you broke the illusion of calm. You broke their trust. And while supposedly your actions are forgiven, at the end of the day they can't be really forgotten. And then you have to bear the burden of knowing that you ruined what once was a perfect little circle.
At the same time you are also faced with the knowledge that you cannot constantly live out two seperate lives. One where you yearn at the bit for freedom, while at the same time desiring to be the 'perfect girl' at home. You can't be both daughter/child and woman at the same time.
He became a catalyst for all of this, and nothing can change that. Yet, what's done is done, and now it's a matter of sorting things through.
I do want to move out, yet at the same time I know I cannot.
And now, everytime mum rages I find myself wishing to be anywhere but here. I don't want 'here' anymore. Thanks to yours truly, home is no idyll. There is no warm and protective circle to enter to brave the fierce winds and angry cries against me. This is all I have - the sanctum of four walls. My room.
Even now when I am at home, every time she rages I feel the distance cut through me. I don't want to be here. This is no longer home. While her attitude towards me has changed from the earlier cold distant demeanour to the previous warm caring mother, there still underlies all her actions and speech a strain of bitterness. "I have no filial daughter. I used to have one, but now I have one no longer."
Everything rests on my brother's shoulders, and I am effectively a judas, betrayer of the family trust, betrayer of the family's love.
At the same time, the relationship that I ran into has no guarantees either. While I am told that I am effectively his, "One" I can't help but be a little sceptical and wary. All relationships can be as strong or start as wonderful. But that doesn't stop the divorces and the break ups from happening. I don't dare put all my trust into this relationship despite my contrary actions.
There are just moments these days when I dislike what it is I am and where it is I am. And I can feel the treacherous little thoughts creeping in. What does it say when I view work as a place of refuge? When I wish for work so that I don't have to be at home? And now that his car is out of commission, my nightly escapades of dinner and a movie, or after work drinks is again taken away from me. And I find that I have to trudge home. Grudgingly.
Home is no longer a place that I can truly call home. It is mine no longer. Yet I am terrified of leaving it altogether. The misery that I've put my family through - I can't put them through it again. That would be stupidity. I can't break her heart again. I've already done it once.
All I can hope for is to apply for a job that will take me interstate and that will allow me to become what it is I want. Perhaps distance will heal these wounds. All I find right now is suffering. She puts on her brave face, grins and bears it. I, on the other hand find it a little more difficult. I have never enjoyed conflict and tend to run away at the earliest chance.
What will happen should this relationship die (be it through my fault or his) and I find myself alone in another place, empty and alone? How will I bear it?
I have effectively one handedly ruined any chance of viewing family as a warm place to be in. Right now all my emotions are intellectual rather than emotional. I cannot do things at home because I want to. I do them because I know that they are right. That in order to salvage whatever is left, I have to do this. And that is not the right way to go about it. Yet there is no other way out.
I hate the fact that I can't wait for the Easter weekend to be over so that I can return to work and spend a few hours forgetting about my home troubles. I hate that I dread going home every afternoon because I have to 'deal' with my mother.
I hate that I rush through dinner in order to run into my room and be myself.
How did a close-knit family turn into such pain?
How could I ruin this so easily? With one argument, a few careless thoughtless words and the world that I once knew no longer exists.
posted by Enigmatic Butterfly @ 1:15 pm
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